Crushed

[Jmhepworth]

I come to the forum when I'm looking for help with rockets. This ain't the place to get marriage counseling or legal advice. And some of what I've seen here strikes me as really bad legal advice. Go to jail bad. It's the rocketry equivalent of the newbee who wants to tell the experts how to put a satellite in orbit. Express support. But perhaps we ought to leave advice to the experts.

Joe

 

[luke strawwalker]

Okay, I'm going to clear a few things up before everybody assumes I'm a paranoid jerk that likes to cause trouble.

A number of years ago I was going out with this woman and for 2 years it all looked great. She was a devout christian, I wasn't, but I went to church with her anyway. She was my girl, and I did what I was supposed to do: Support her.

We moved in together, and we did have a couple of minor arguments, but nothing serious. Mostly about what bill to pay first, where we were going to thanksgiving dinner, etc. Minor stuff. 99% of the time it was pretty much fun times and laughter. I even picked out a ring and I had it 1/2 paid off (nice one too!)

Then one day, right out of the blue, I came home from work, and there she was, sitting on the couch. Her luggage was at her feet. I asked her what the heck was going on. She said that "She was having trouble figuring out who she loved more: God or me". She said that she was going to move back to her parents place for a short time to figure things out.

Well, this hurt, but I loved her. I wanted to be the supportive boyfriend, so I said "Well, okay. I don't like this, but if you feel that this is what you have to do, then okay. Just keep in touch every couple of days, just so I know that you are alright. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough." Taxi came by, she got in, and she was gone.


Fast forward a week. No word. I left a message on her phone and on her parents phone, just for her to give me a shout.

Nothing. Not a word.

I did this about twice a week for about a month. Then one day I was having a coffee/dinner gathering with a few of my friends and guess who walked in?
My Girlfriend. With another guy. I guy I met and knew a bit when I first met her.
They saw me, turned around and left. Never heard or seen them again. I even left a message to her parents requesting that they pick up her stuff. Nothing.
I ended up packing her stuff up and leaving it all outside her parent's door.

So, I guess my posts to Doug were a bit cynical. I admit it, and you all are probably right that I shouldn't have posted them.
BUT, I didn't post them to hurt Doug. Nor was I posting them to generate mistrust to his lady (or at least with that intention).

I was offering support, but a warning to not sit down and wait like I did. Waiting on this kind of thing is far more painful than seeking your own answers out and finding out on your own what the truth is.

I really hope that this girl is just figuring things out. I really do. I hope that she is being straight-up and honest about all this.

But my girl took advantage of my feelings, my heart, and she threw 2 years away like trash, all in the name of GOD. She used GOD as a convenient excuse. She used GOD to justify what she was doing because she was a coward and didn't have the guts to tell me straight out that she wasn't happy and she didn't have the guts to fix things.

I don't want Doug going thru this.


Anyways, that's my soapbox story, and I'm off.


Ps. I've been married to a wonderful woman for the last 10 years, and have 3 beautiful daughters. It's not perfect, and she does go to church, but she's a straight-shooter and tells me right off if she isn't happy about something. We work together to solve problems. That's what I would have wanted with the other girl.

Sorry to hear about this and that this happened to you. You must have cared about her a lot, because you sound SO angry about it! She must've really hurt you.

I'm very sorry for you that you've decided to blame "God" for your troubles. Perhaps her motivations were as you say; perhaps she was unhappy or confused or scared or whatever, and used her beliefs as a convenient excuse to move on... BUT, then again, maybe she was being truthful, and you've projected your interpretation of her motivations onto the situation and convinced yourself "it must be so". If she was as "deeply religious" as you said, then perhaps her church family, her minister, or her family talked to her and convinced her that her living arrangements were improper or sinful. Most faithful Christians would not condone living together before marriage, as the Bible prohibits a sexual relationship before marriage. Perhaps her own conscience over the situation got her to thinking, and she finally realized she should be on a different path....

Whatever the motivations, does it REALLY MATTER?? I don't understand people, male or female, who get bitter and cling on to someone after they've cut you loose... I mean, WHO would want to be with someone who DOESN'T WANT THEM?? When the woman didn't call, it's pretty clear she had no intention of renewing the relationship... so it's best to move on. Yeah, it hurts... been there, plenty of times. But it's pointless to sit and mope, and even more pointless to brood and get angry and fixate or obsess over the other person. Either they'll change their mind or come back, or they won't. If they DO come back, you still have to be careful, IMHO, because they've proven that they can change their mind, not once, but twice... such a "flighty" person may drop you again at the drop of a hat for whatever reason... and IMHO life is too short to waste on someone who cannot figure out what they want or make up their mind.

I don't know what your background is or your motivations for feeling the way you do about God; that's your business... but if it's because of this sort of thing, this broken relationship with this woman and other similar situations, well, I hope that you can let go of the hurt and gain peace and come to a fuller understanding of who and what God is. I really feel sorry for you that you feel the way you do.

Basically, if things are meant to be, they will be, and if they're not, we're better off to move on and find something that's RIGHT and GOOD rather than trying to "make" something work that is a poor fit or unsustainable.

Good luck to you! OL JR

 

[luke strawwalker]

The cellphone-snooping (or intercepting email or snail mail) idea is real bad for several reasons:

1) First, obviously, if your 'suspicions' are correct.

2) Second, if you find nothing, that proves nothing -- she might have been using another cell phone (a 'burner') or communicating with her sweetie some other way.

3) If you find nothing and are convinced everything is on the up-and-up and then she finds out you snooped on her (and you know she always will), about 87.5% of the time she will explode at your invasion of privacy and lack of trust and tell you to get the hell out once and for all, and this time make it stick.

No upside and massive downside.

She could be totally innocent and end up busting it off with you simply because of your snooping. If she is cheating it will come out sooner or later on its own.

+1...

And what is a relationship with no trust worth anyway?? Nothing IMHO...

I know I wouldn't stick with someone who was this distrustful... for one thing, as you said, it's too easy to figure out ways that you couldn't find out anyway... and for another, if your heart and mind tells you that you can't trust the person you're with, then why bother trying to keep the relationship alive?? It's pointless...

At any rate, as you said, this is the perfect way to poison whatever possibility the future might hold.

The best advice I can give ANYBODY, is, NEVER, EVER ignore that little voice in the back of your mind that tells you something is wrong, that something isn't right, isn't kosher, whatever... It's hard, especially when you're with someone you really care about, have a lot of fun being with, etc... BUT, it's also extremely easy to fool ourselves into thinking everything is great and ignoring the potential problems that subconsciously we pick up on, but which addressing would "spoil the party". Whether you choose to call it "intuition" or "God speaking to you" or "providence leading you" it's NEVER a good idea to ignore that voice that tells you something's not right...

Think about things, consider things... listen to your heart, listen to the reasoning of your mind, and pray about it... then move forward-- in whatever direction...

Later! OL JR

 

[majordude]

As a friend once said to me, "Women are like buses,(trains, planes, ect...)..."

So that's why we always stress when they are late!

 

[krusty]

I was dating a woman who, as it turned out, was jealous to the point of delusion.

She ended up going through my phone while I was in the shower, reading text messages and writing down all the phone numbers of my friends.
She also figured out the password to my email and went back though 5 years of message, reading and deleting things as she went. She went as far as 'monitoring' my email remotely (gmail) when I wasn't with her.
She started contacting my friends and threatening them - via phone, text and email - to stay away from me.

I only found this out because I started getting 'WTF' messages back from them.

She never did find the 'smoking gun' she was looking for, but this was enough to end our relationship. The infidelity she suspected only ever existed in her head.

Two years after the end of our relationship I received an email from her - she had sought help. She was contacting me to apologize and to seek forgiveness; she had finally realized that it was her unfounded paranoia that had destroyed what she thought she was trying to protect.

I guess that not finding what she was trying to find reinforced her belief that I was hiding things from her.

Krusty

 

[luke strawwalker]

I was dating a woman who, as it turned out, was jealous to the point of delusion.

She ended up going through my phone while I was in the shower, reading text messages and writing down all the phone numbers of my friends.
She also figured out the password to my email and went back though 5 years of message, reading and deleting things as she went. She went as far as 'monitoring' my email remotely (gmail) when I wasn't with her.
She started contacting my friends and threatening them - via phone, text and email - to stay away from me.

I only found this out because I started getting 'WTF' messages back from them.

She never did find the 'smoking gun' she was looking for, but this was enough to end our relationship. The infidelity she suspected only ever existed in her head.

Two years after the end of our relationship I received an email from her - she had sought help. She was contacting me to apologize and to seek forgiveness; she had finally realized that it was her unfounded paranoia that had destroyed what she thought she was trying to protect.

I guess that not finding what she was trying to find reinforced her belief that I was hiding things from her.

Krusty

Sad... goes to show though... you can't prove a negative...

Later! OL JR

 

[powderburner]

I cannot add much to what has been posted. I know it doesn't do much good to post a statement-of-the-obvious,like "You aren't going to marry every girl you date, so you shouldn't be surprised if every relationship does not fully blossom." It still hurts when this junk happens.

What I would like to post is this: I commend all who have contributed here (and counter-contributed) for being able to keep all this friendly and - hopefully - helpful. It would have been very easy for this thread to turn into a God-v-no God bashfest, or probably several other negative directions, and everyone has managed to play nicely together here. Well done to all.

And there are other fish in the sea. Sharpen your hook--

 

[closet astronaut]

On our way to the German consulate in Miami today I heard a song on my i-pod that reminded me of this thread. It's from the Hair of the Dog album by Nazereth. This whole album is is about a woman, some of the titles...Lover Hurts, Whiskey Drinking woman, Changing Times, Beggars Day, Rose in the Heather and the one I'm referring to for this thread...

Miss Misery

If this song doesn't tell it like it is...nothing does. I've included one with the lyrics


[YOUTUBE]f3jzOn__YnY[/YOUTUBE]

 

[jmight]

Similar experience recently. Dated this girl for about three years, she broke it off without giving me a clear understanding of why. She since recanted. But you know what I've learned through all of it? You have to be selfish and take care of you. The most important thing to do is be authentically you, and nothing more! We can't possibly know or foresee the future, so why bother? Live in the present. Do what makes you feel better now. Be who you need to be now. Surround yourself with friends and family, and I promise the love and caring they give you will help you heal one day at a time. I went from feeling like the world ended to realizing just how great my friends and family are, and it took heartbreak to fully understand and appreciate how big their hearts are.

I still love her, but when she recanted, I told her that all I could do is be true to myself. For me, despite the love I have for her, I came to understand that I couldn't possibly go back now, as easy as it would be.

Find your direction, find your friends, and most importantly: find yourself! You'll often be surprised and grateful for what you discover. Healing is a process, never occurs overnight, but no matter how cliche it is, every day is a day closer to being a better you.

 

[BigRiJoe]

" Frailty, thy name is woman." 2) My dad's definition of marriage: Come, let us become better strangers. Find yourself a friendship like Damon and Pythias had.

 

[n3tjm]

Figured I post a follow up since its been a while. Its over. Don't want her back. Don't think I want her back in my life even as a friend. She became very hostile towards me even though I gave her a lot of space. And the sad thing is I believe she enjoyed tormenting me, maybe even toying with me. Well the good news for me is she quit school, and left for home. I don't plan on ever contacting her, and I don't know what I will do if she tries to contact me. I don't want to give her fuel if she is indeed toying with me.

As far as the Rissa Rocket is concerned, I put it in storage. I would like to repaint it and rename it, and fly it again since they messed up the launch and I did not get any decent flight pics or videos of it (maybe the dvd has vid). However, this has been a very hard year on my money wise, I do not have the money for another motor. So unless someone generously offers to provide a motor, I don't think that will happen anytime withing the next couple years.

 

[AfterBurners]

Sounds to me like you are moving forward, Stay optimistic and in time things will work themselves out. I'm sure you'll come into some money soon, which will allow you to paint your rocket and launch it. Hobbies are good to have. For the most part they allow you to focus on other things and take your mind of the stuff that bothers us the most. I'll be into rockets, maybe not at the extent of people on here, but I know my limits and stay within them so I can afford this hobby.

Anyway good luck to you and hang in there!

 

[closet astronaut]

Take a lesson from the A-TRAIN! Put you head down and PLOW FORWARD!

[YOUTUBE]5usOCipPq4k[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Donaldsrockets]

Figured I post a follow up since its been a while. Its over. Don't want her back. Don't think I want her back in my life even as a friend. She became very hostile towards me even though I gave her a lot of space. And the sad thing is I believe she enjoyed tormenting me, maybe even toying with me. Well the good news for me is she quit school, and left for home. I don't plan on ever contacting her, and I don't know what I will do if she tries to contact me. I don't want to give her fuel if she is indeed toying with me.

I'm really glad to hear this Doug.

I knew it would work out over time. Sure, it was painful at first but I'd say you handled this really well.

Also, I think it would be best to avoid any further contact. If she tries to contact you, just ignore it and maybe block her too.

 

[BABAR]

I have no words of wisdom for you, just wanted to say:
We're all pulling for you, and glad you seem be be working through this positively.

 

[luke strawwalker]

Sounds like this was for the best... you discovered some things about the REAL person you were dating, and not just the "public face" they showed you most of the time. This is very valuable information, though getting it is often very painful. We've all been there at some point.

Sounds like you're moving on, and have realized that she wasn't doing right by you. Best thing you can do is just move on... get back on that horse. Find a nice, sweet girl and take her out... spend some time on your hobbies when you can afford to. Life is too short to waste on females who like to play games, or toy with you, or use you, or don't know what it is they want out of life or who they want to be with... or figure out how to treat other people. Sounds like she's got some growing up to do. I dated a girl who was much the same way, and thankfully it ended the same as well... good riddance!

Later and good luck to you! OL JR

 

[fyrwrxz]

The important thing is that you are still here, Doug, and we all benefit from that.

 

[Onebadhawk]

The important thing is that you are still here, Doug, and we all benefit from that.

+1 to that.......
That's the truth,,,,,,,,
And a very nice thing to say........

Teddy