Crushed

[GDJ]

You got that right.

I have nothing against faith and religion, but this sounds like a person that would rather make up excuses than take responsibility for her actions.

God told her to do it, - I mean where do you take the discussion from there, when the highest authority has already weighed in?

I've also had personal experience losing a girl to God.
Probably why I'm an Atheist. God and I are not on speaking terms.

 

[MaxQ]

I've also had personal experience losing a girl to God.
Probably why I'm an Atheist. God and I are not on speaking terms.

That has to be really frustrating.

I've had several awesome girls break up with me but they all were straight up about the reasons, and I had to respect that.
In hind sight they weren't so awesome after all, and in each case they looked me up several years later, but the ship had long sailed.
The last one actually called me at work and I didn't mind at all telling her I was happily married.

 

[GDJ]

That has to be really frustrating.

I've had several awesome girls break up with me but they all were straight up about the reasons, and I had to respect that.
In hind sight they weren't so awesome after all, and in each case they looked me up several years later, but the ship had long sailed.
The last one actually called me at work and I didn't mind at all telling her I was happily married.

Frustrating and hard to deal with, since you have no idea who to be angry at. I was kind of left in limbo.
The girl I lost was probably only a few weeks away from being asked to be my Fíance, so that made it worse.

BUT, this thread really isn't about me.

As for the OP, I would have to ask whether or not she's holed up in her room and does she talk on the phone alot?

 

[DizWolf]

I've also had personal experience losing a girl to God.
Probably why I'm an Atheist. God and I are not on speaking terms.

I've lost a couple to Jack Daniels. We still talk on the weekends, but it's just not the same.

 

[GDJ]

I've lost a couple to Jack Daniels. We still talk on the weekends, but it's just not the same.

Probably why I stick to beer.

 

[tmacklin]

It's been said "laughter is the best medicine". I hope you get a laugh from this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDdujWzpNrw

 

[luke strawwalker]

I've dated some oddball women, and this does not seem normal to me, even by oddball standards. My wife would never have pulled this kind of BS---we are more direct with each other, and "God told me to do it" would not work for either of us. We have a FANTASTIC marriage!!! It's based on love and respect and quirky, fun-loving personalities, not bogus drama!

While I'm not of the same faith as these young people, I am a person of faith and try to stick to the scriptural tenets of physicality between men and women, both inside and outside of marriage. SO, I can understand some of the misgivings and concerns that she voiced... While I don't agree with the belief that God "tests" us in the ways described-- but I can understand that they believe it.

At any rate, I dated a couple girls with similar "reservations". One girl was insistent on our keeping an "official distance" in public, even though she was pretty unreserved when we were alone... and she admitted to doing a lot worse, some really "sinful" things in her past, even from my somewhat more "relaxed" perspective, and which would have CERTAINLY been extremely offensive to her family that shared her religion. I could forgive and did, but I found the "double standard" rather humorous in a way. One set of behaviors in public, another set behind closed doors or alone. I'm talking about "high collar to ankles covered" in public, where even "holding hands" was considered "forward" or rather "randy" behavior... But when we were on a date, out together in my truck, well, things were more interesting, though we certainly didn't go "all the way", by mutual agreement.

I had another girlfriend who was much the same way... she was closer to my faith, but very much "inhibited" by the strictures of "appearances". When we were in her apartment, she enjoyed a lot of things I did for her, and while she was enjoying them they were "okay". The next day she would be embarrassed or feel guilty and insist we "not do such improper things" again ("second base" activities, just to be clear). I could respect that and live with that limitation, out of respect for her...BUT, of course, within a couple days, she would be feeling frisky and lead things directly back to "those activities", and thoroughly enjoy them again... This became a repeating pattern...

At any rate, it's just one of those "women things"... For instance, I once dated a girl who shared with me that she'd been sexually abused as a child... and that would require "taking things slow" in our relationship, which I was certainly okay with... But, she wanted me to stay over at her place and watch movies, which we did... and she wanted to cuddle up, which we did... and I tried very hard to be "non-threatening" in my behaviors-- not to move suddenly, be careful how I held her or touched her, etc... to be respectful of her feelings and needs... she would doze off, and wake up jerking and twisting away, lashing out, and so forth... like she was being molested... Still, she INSISTED we cuddle and hold each other, and kiss/pet lightly, which of course I was fine with... yet she'd still "freak out" repeatedly... I suggested we "back off" and she'd get mad, insisting "she had dealt with what happened to her as a kid, she was 'over it' and everything was okay"... Well, this went on and on... I suggested she speak to a counselor, or a minister, or someone specialized with helping with the issues that arise from such abuse... she insisted she "didn't need help" and got downright mad at me for even making the suggestion... This went on and on, and I got tired of the continual strain of wanting to be physically close, and being WANTED and ENCOURAGED for me to be physically close, yet constantly being rebuffed by these visceral reactions, and feeling like I was somehow doing something to abuse her... All I really wanted to do was help. I knew that as long as she was having this sort of reactions, that a "normal" relationship between us would be impossible. I stuck by her as long as I could, but the more I gently suggested we seek "help" or counseling, either jointly or individually, as she wished, to help our relationship, the more incensed she became. We finally called it quits pretty much in agreement. I really liked her, she was a sweet person, a good person, and we enjoyed each others company and had a lot in common, she was physically VERY attractive and an EMT, and I was recently graduated from the police academy (and her being an EMT means she certainly didn't lack for potential suitors in fit young police and firemen, and with her looks and kindness she'd have her choice, and probably had). BUT, her reactions kept torpedoing any relationship she tried to have... (I wasn't the first relationship that hadn't worked out, and for much the same reasons). It was sad, but it wasn't meant to be... She was a wonderful, beautiful woman, and I was very sad those things happened to her, and I certainly hope that she finally made peace, by whatever means, and managed to move on and enjoy her life and a wonderful relationship.

Later! OL JR

 

[luke strawwalker]

as you get older you will tolerant a lot less. You'll have plenty of women that you dated under your belt so of speak and know exactly what you DON'T want. All game playing goes out of the picture when they reach they mid 40's so you have a ways to go

HA! Oh brother don't bet the farm on it!!! I've got a buddy of mine who's 68, never been married, and still dates... he was dating a woman in her mid-late 40's... one with a perpetual hatred of men due to her first marriage... while she and he enjoyed bedroom activities frequently, she was generally hostile and hard to get along with on frequent occasions and generally dismissive of him... They'd go out together, go to antique car shows, and stuff... and have a good time... but she'd either be hot or cold... either warm and friendly or cold and b!tchy... no in between... They'd have their romantic romps, in which she was very willing to initiate, but then act all "used" afterwards... this behavior pattern got worse and worse as time went on, and finally my buddy had a bellyful of it... and finally dumped her...

So, yeah, with a "normal" person, the game playing should stop with a little maturity and "real life" experience, depending on the person usually by the mid-20's to the mid-30's, although some people mature because of their experiences and demeanor MUCH sooner (like my sister-in-law who had to look out for her autistic baby brother and work on her family's farm operation from a young age, which led her to a much more mature attitude than most of her peers). BUT, for every "normal" person, there are at least ten "head cases" that will play games until the day they die... So beware!

and hopefully in time and lots of time you will find someone special. Enjoy the process. I bet you dollars to donuts before two weeks are up you will have some contact with her. She will text you or call you just to see how things are going. It's a game and that's all it is. JR nailed it with what he said. It's Merry-Go-Around and as long as you are in contact with her you will be on it and sometimes that thing gets spinning pretty fast and it's hard to jump off. And when you do you get hurt more each time. Right now you pretty much were able to jump off it and land on your feet, but when it picks up speed good luck...you'll get scraped up and bruised .....

Good advice...

You have a lot of guys on here with a lot of experience, but remember this the most. A woman will truly love you for who you are. You respect her for who she is and love everything about her good and bad and hopefully she'll do the same for you.

Absolutely... and "settling" for someone who does less than this is selling yourself short... and only leads to problems and heartaches down the road...

It takes time and effort to find someone with their head screwed on straight who holds similar beliefs as yourself, but it's certainly worth the effort... IMHO better to wait and find someone who's "right" than "settle" for someone who's a head case or doesn't love and appreciate you...

Later! OL JR

PS... It may be that it's just not the right time... sounds like she's got some growing up and maturing to do before she's ready for a relationship... There IS such a thing as "the right person, but the WRONG TIME."

 

[luke strawwalker]

The reasons why are irrelevant. When a woman says she's done, just walk away. Maybe she'll come back maybe not. But chasing back after her is a waste of time and pushes her away.

Be happy being you.

Absolutely... +1...

Later! OL JR

 

[n3tjm]

There are still a couple cultures left that live and die by the sword, especially in the region of the country Doug lives in. I'm going to make a guess that the ex-lady in question is of the Mennonite faith/culture, a *slightly* less traditional culture than Amish. Very devout, very traditional, very conscious of the social and religious mores that are to be followed.

We are not Mennonite but our faith is conservative, live by the sword and are very conscious of the social and religious mores that are to be followed.

 

[n3tjm]

As for the OP, I would have to ask whether or not she's holed up in her room and does she talk on the phone alot?

No, she is very active around the school campus, and does not talk on the phone much except to her grandma, or mom.

 

[GDJ]

No, she is very active around the school campus, and does not talk on the phone much except to her grandma, or mom.

Another red flag.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is despicable, even to me. This will answer most if not all your questions and hopefully help you to heal.
When she's in the shower, bath, or otherwise engaged and if she has a cellphone, look on it if you are able and look at the last numbers dialed out or received. Any numbers that you do not recognise dial it or text it from your phone and see what the response is.

I think you know what I'm thinking, and I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong.

 

[DizWolf]

Meh. Having been there, even if she is talking to someone else, best not to know right now. Look forward not back. I've wasted too much good time in my life on someone that was going nowhere

 

[chadrog]

We are not Mennonite but our faith is conservative, live by the sword and are very conscious of the social and religious mores that are to be followed.

Sorry to have assumed so.

 

[n3tjm]

Another red flag.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is despicable, even to me. This will answer most if not all your questions and hopefully help you to heal.
When she's in the shower, bath, or otherwise engaged and if she has a cellphone, look on it if you are able and look at the last numbers dialed out or received. Any numbers that you do not recognize dial it or text it from your phone and see what the response is.

I think you know what I'm thinking, and I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong.

I'm pretty confident she wasn't cheating on me and/or interested in someone else.

 

[Tarasdad]

In my faith we are taught to listen to the promptings of the spirit and pray for guidance if we are unsure. Sounds to me like this is what she is going through right now. If so there is nothing you can do but let her do hat she needs to do.

 

[n3tjm]

In my faith we are taught to listen to the promptings of the spirit and pray for guidance if we are unsure. Sounds to me like this is what she is going through right now. If so there is nothing you can do but let her do hat she needs to do.

I know. That's what I believe in. Still does not make it easy. I just got to pray about it. And to be smart about it.

 

[troj]

I know. That's what I believe in. Still does not make it easy. I just got to pray about it. And to be smart about it.

It never is, Doug.

Hard as it is, she made a decision and you're respecting that. Keep your chin up. It'll get easier with time.

 

[JStarStar]

Another red flag.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is despicable, even to me. This will answer most if not all your questions and hopefully help you to heal.
When she's in the shower, bath, or otherwise engaged and if she has a cellphone, look on it if you are able and look at the last numbers dialed out or received. Any numbers that you do not recognise dial it or text it from your phone and see what the response is.

I think you know what I'm thinking, and I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong.

I can't really imagine too much good coming out of this course of action in any case, and a lot disastrous.


As many many others as well as I have said, step back, take some time to take stock, do some enjoyable and relaxing things, and see what happens.

If there are good reasons for you to get back together, you probably will. If not, it's just as well you both find that out.

Life will go on. It'll be a different life than you imagined, but that might end up being a good thing.

 

[troj]

Another red flag.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is despicable, even to me. This will answer most if not all your questions and hopefully help you to heal.
When she's in the shower, bath, or otherwise engaged and if she has a cellphone, look on it if you are able and look at the last numbers dialed out or received. Any numbers that you do not recognise dial it or text it from your phone and see what the response is.

I think you know what I'm thinking, and I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong.

Sorry, but I don't see the red flags you do. Doug has already explained their beliefs, and what she has said and done follows in line with their beliefs.

What I see in your post is a lot of cynicism, and a fundamental lack of trust. I don't see how leading Doug down that particular path does him any favors, nor does it help him through a difficult time.

-Kevin

 

[GDJ]

Fair enough.

Doug, I wish you well.

 

[Onebadhawk]

Another red flag.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is despicable, even to me. This will answer most if not all your questions and hopefully help you to heal.
When she's in the shower, bath, or otherwise engaged and if she has a cellphone, look on it if you are able and look at the last numbers dialed out or received. Any numbers that you do not recognise dial it or text it from your phone and see what the response is.

I think you know what I'm thinking, and I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong.

I am a quite person myself.
I feel terrible for you Doug.
Time will heal this, that does not make it easier now.
I would never have posted this in public like this.
At first I thought you would surely regret posting this.
Especially when you had stopped posting but everyone else still was.
Then for quite a while I was so pleasantly surprised,
you were answering, and most of what was being said was so heartfelt and kind.
It really seems you have begun to enjoy this, talking (typing) about it, I think it's helping you, I hope.
You BOTH seem to be such nice, quite, religious people.
I'm sure she's having a hard time with this too.
Doug, this post I've quoted, to me, is the reason I wouldn't air this here.
You shouldn't have to read something like this.
Doug, I wish you both all the best the world has to offer.
Just be patient.
I will promise you something.
You absolutely wouldn't believe what faith will get you through.
And that I say from experience.
Teddy

 

[GDJ]

Okay, I'm going to clear a few things up before everybody assumes I'm a paranoid jerk that likes to cause trouble.

A number of years ago I was going out with this woman and for 2 years it all looked great. She was a devout christian, I wasn't, but I went to church with her anyway. She was my girl, and I did what I was supposed to do: Support her.

We moved in together, and we did have a couple of minor arguments, but nothing serious. Mostly about what bill to pay first, where we were going to thanksgiving dinner, etc. Minor stuff. 99% of the time it was pretty much fun times and laughter. I even picked out a ring and I had it 1/2 paid off (nice one too!)

Then one day, right out of the blue, I came home from work, and there she was, sitting on the couch. Her luggage was at her feet. I asked her what the heck was going on. She said that "She was having trouble figuring out who she loved more: God or me". She said that she was going to move back to her parents place for a short time to figure things out.

Well, this hurt, but I loved her. I wanted to be the supportive boyfriend, so I said "Well, okay. I don't like this, but if you feel that this is what you have to do, then okay. Just keep in touch every couple of days, just so I know that you are alright. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough." Taxi came by, she got in, and she was gone.


Fast forward a week. No word. I left a message on her phone and on her parents phone, just for her to give me a shout.

Nothing. Not a word.

I did this about twice a week for about a month. Then one day I was having a coffee/dinner gathering with a few of my friends and guess who walked in?
My Girlfriend. With another guy. I guy I met and knew a bit when I first met her.
They saw me, turned around and left. Never heard or seen them again. I even left a message to her parents requesting that they pick up her stuff. Nothing.
I ended up packing her stuff up and leaving it all outside her parent's door.

So, I guess my posts to Doug were a bit cynical. I admit it, and you all are probably right that I shouldn't have posted them.
BUT, I didn't post them to hurt Doug. Nor was I posting them to generate mistrust to his lady (or at least with that intention).

I was offering support, but a warning to not sit down and wait like I did. Waiting on this kind of thing is far more painful than seeking your own answers out and finding out on your own what the truth is.

I really hope that this girl is just figuring things out. I really do. I hope that she is being straight-up and honest about all this.

But my girl took advantage of my feelings, my heart, and she threw 2 years away like trash, all in the name of GOD. She used GOD as a convenient excuse. She used GOD to justify what she was doing because she was a coward and didn't have the guts to tell me straight out that she wasn't happy and she didn't have the guts to fix things.

I don't want Doug going thru this.


Anyways, that's my soapbox story, and I'm off.


Ps. I've been married to a wonderful woman for the last 10 years, and have 3 beautiful daughters. It's not perfect, and she does go to church, but she's a straight-shooter and tells me right off if she isn't happy about something. We work together to solve problems. That's what I would have wanted with the other girl.

 

[Pem Tech]

Hope you are doing a bit better Papa Elf.

 

[scsager]

... Hard as it is, she made a decision and you're respecting that. Keep your chin up. It'll get easier with time.

Troj has Excellent advice -really!!!

Here's an old proverb/prayer that also fits your situation "God, give me strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

One thing is for sure, you have TONS of rocketry friends that think the world of you. Hang in there Doug!!!

 

[CPUTommy]

Hello All who are reading this.

I need to chime in here.

To Papa Elf , I can only say thank you for taking the time to put down what you did, I to am dealing with a situation that is different than yours specifically, but overall, its similar to me.

Yes, It does suck, and I know id rather lose all my birds than to have to deal with this, but it is what it is.

The only thing I have learned is that "life" as I know it , sure isn't easy. Add to that work, your own family and your extended family and things don't seem ok or easily fixed, In simple terms, There isn't anything, or anyway to make it all go away except to keep moving forward for YOU.

Keep your head up, and above all, Take care of your self, if you don't make your self "happy" then you have no chance of spreading that happiness to others.

Keep your head up as mine is only up due to your original post.

From me to you, Thanks for letting me know im not the only one dealing with these dam bumps in the road.

Tom

 

[n3tjm]

Then for quite a while I was so pleasantly surprised,
you were answering, and most of what was being said was so heartfelt and kind.
It really seems you have begun to enjoy this, talking (typing) about it, I think it's helping you, I hope.
You BOTH seem to be such nice, quite, religious people.
I'm sure she's having a hard time with this too.
Doug, this post I've quoted, to me, is the reason I wouldn't air this here.

Thanks. Yeah this is helping me. Today I talked for an hour to a mutual friend of ours. Pretty much her best friend besides me. She felt Rissa needed a break to sort things out. According to my friend something is happening on the 15th. We not sure if she has something planned or its just simple she'll allow me to speak to her. But I'm going ignore her in a nice way, give her space, and let her do the first move. It's going be hard "ignoring" her, but shes the one that broke up with me and I do want to give her space.

 

[JStarStar]

The cellphone-snooping (or intercepting email or snail mail) idea is real bad for several reasons:

1) First, obviously, if your 'suspicions' are correct.

2) Second, if you find nothing, that proves nothing -- she might have been using another cell phone (a 'burner') or communicating with her sweetie some other way.

3) If you find nothing and are convinced everything is on the up-and-up and then she finds out you snooped on her (and you know she always will), about 87.5% of the time she will explode at your invasion of privacy and lack of trust and tell you to get the hell out once and for all, and this time make it stick.

No upside and massive downside.

She could be totally innocent and end up busting it off with you simply because of your snooping. If she is cheating it will come out sooner or later on its own.

 

[luke strawwalker]

Another red flag.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is despicable, even to me. This will answer most if not all your questions and hopefully help you to heal.
When she's in the shower, bath, or otherwise engaged and if she has a cellphone, look on it if you are able and look at the last numbers dialed out or received. Any numbers that you do not recognise dial it or text it from your phone and see what the response is.

I think you know what I'm thinking, and I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong.

This is kinda sick thinking IMHO...

What's the use on spying on her when she's already broken up with him... move on and be done with it... either she'll come back around, or not. Nothing he can really do about it anyway...

Spying on her is just extremely pathetic and asking for trouble IMHO...

Move on... living well is the best revenge...

Later! OL JR

 

[troj]

Okay, I'm going to clear a few things up before everybody assumes I'm a paranoid jerk that likes to cause trouble.

I didn't think you a paranoid jerk; I kinda figured you had been burned somewhere in your past, and you obviously have. Sorry to hear you had to go through that -- to me, that's one of the lowest things you can do to someone.

-Kevin