That was kind of my thought when I jumped in here, I wanted to talk about something that would have been very easy to do differently, not limited by my knowledge, skill, maturity, or environment. Grief, guilt, depression, self-hatred and regret are often concurrent but they are eminently distinct from one another.You should forgive yourself for that one. That‘s a if-I-knew-then-what-I-know-now mistake, and you should not blame yourself for those kinds of mistakes, because you didn‘t know then what you know now, and you relied on the advice of an expert. It’s ok to be sad and regret the outcome, but it sounded like you feel guilty, and that’s not fair to yourself.
I think part of the reason I have few regrets in life is that the things that have mattered to me have been relatively consistent, so I wasn’t half-assing decisions in the past that I’m kicking myself for now. I did my best and I was as successful as I could have been.
Of course, that doesn’t solve or prevent every conceivable problem. I do struggle with grief and self-hatred, and I’m currently seeing a therapist in the hopes that that might help. I don’t expect to cast off my past, but I’m hoping that I can at least get to a point where I can think about, be reminded of, or discuss it without it controlling my mood, my relationships, and my life. “Put it to bed,” if you will, in the sense that it’s still there, but inactive and not bothersome.