Planted some chillis, a sweet leaf bush, and a mulberry bush.
What I did today -instead- of Rocketry.
- Thread starter Charles_McG
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flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
I can’t replace her. Mia had special things that she did that I have never seen in a cat ever before. She would do the most unbelievable things. I can’t list them all because of too much writing but I will never have that again or would want to. It was her thing and it wouldn’t be fair to another cat because I would be expecting one to be like her, impossible. She was beyond smart and knowing she was there when I was sick wouldn’t be the same.
You get use to 18 years of having something and you know what to expect every time and that’s gone. Most cats sleep on an average of about 20 hours a day. Not her. She was up most of the time with me and took afternoon naps but the rest of the day she hung around me. Did you ever see a cat that loved trains under the Christmas tree? When I stopped them for the night she would mope and look at me to run them again. The next night she would stair at them then me to run them and when I did she got excited. It’s to heart braking for me to even think about it now.
18 years is a long time for her but to short for me. Her last morning being alive she was so weak from not eating in a few days and couldn’t stand. She was not in pain. I was on the floor petting her keeping her comfortable and when I walked away as weak as she was she found enough strength to turn herself around to watch me. If she could have walked she would have followed me like she always did. Knowing she couldn’t hit home. I will always remember her look at me that morning not sure what was happening to herself. I just remember looking into her eyes that last morning and it hurts to remember that. She looked at me as if she was looking for help. I will never have this or have the feeling I had with Mia and her with I ever again. She was one of a kind. She was Gods special gift to me.
I wouldn't begin to suggest that you could replace her. I'll never replace all the animals that have touched my life so deeply.
I'm just hoping that you will eventually recover from your loss and let a different little one come into your life. You might just be the one human that one is searching for.
flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
I should have giver her one more chance. She surprised the vets twice in 8 years and she could have given them one more surprise. If I had put her carrier back on that exam table like I did many other times she would have went back into it knowing she was going home. She didn’t know what was about to happen to her that she wasn’t going home with me anymore. That still upsets me everyday. I should have told the vet give her another shot of fluid under her skin and see what will happen.
I know there are great cats out there needing a good home. Mia was one of them when she was a kitten at a rescue center. I had three cats throughout my entire life before Mia that always will have a special place in my heart. Mia was the one that attached herself to my heart and soul for ever. I sure do miss her. Life will never be the same without her. This was Mia’s home and domain and bring in another one I just can’t do it. I just can’t.
I don’t want another Cat Scan. I don’t want to know anymore if the Cancer is back just like I didn’t give Mia that last chance either. She wouldn’t live for ever but a final push would have helped. That Damm stroke didn’t help her. If it wasn’t for that chances would have been better. It was a mild stroke and I read that she could have made a full recovery in about two or three weeks. Just one more chance could of made a difference.
flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
You really had to have known Mia to know what I’m talking about. Every day around 4:30 and 5:00 she had dinner then went upstairs to lay on the bed. Ever day around 5:00 I get a shower before I eat dinner. Because of the Maple trees in the back not much sun would shine through the back windows on the bed but what little there was she would find it and bask in it for the warmth. Every day I would go in the bedroom after my shower to visit her before I went downstairs to eat. She would follow me down to eat her second dinner with me.
Today I still go in that room after a shower. I still see the sun shining in the windows on the bed and she’s not there anymore to enjoy it. It’s leaves a great big hole in my heart not seeing her laying in that sun. There is such an emptiness in that room with no life anymore. I tried to let go but that sun will always be there to remind me of her. That’s tough to see every day. If she wasn’t so special I wouldn’t be writing this. I know people reading this might be getting a little annoyed with me but if my cancer is back, we’ll you can be relieved from this stuff.
Today I still go in that room after a shower. I still see the sun shining in the windows on the bed and she’s not there anymore to enjoy it. It’s leaves a great big hole in my heart not seeing her laying in that sun. There is such an emptiness in that room with no life anymore. I tried to let go but that sun will always be there to remind me of her. That’s tough to see every day. If she wasn’t so special I wouldn’t be writing this. I know people reading this might be getting a little annoyed with me but if my cancer is back, we’ll you can be relieved from this stuff.
Please don't talk like that, like anyone would be relieved that you die. No one wants you to die just so we don't see Mia posts. As long as it helps you to write these, keep writing them.
As for the cancer, please don't give up on yourself. It's a tired cliché to say "you have so much to live for," and I know you don't feel like you do. But the thing is, there are things, you don't see them now, and you can find them if you'd only let yourself.
You've said you plan to see a phych doctor next month, once Medicare kicks in. You'll probably start on an antidepressant, most likely an SSRI like Lexapro or Zoloft (but I'm no doctor, so don't set your expectations by my guesses). Those medicines can make a huge difference, but you need to be receptive to that help. Please, have faith that there is a possibility of things looking up, even if you can't see that possibility now. Don't block yourself off from help (chemical or otherwise). Don't refuse improvement when it comes knocking. Which it will.
flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
I have no one to talk to about it. My wife is like she was getting old and she’s gone now, time to move on. Some people take it better than others. My wife felt it for a few weeks not seeing Mia in the mornings to fed her breakfast. My wife said she’s gone and is in a better place. YEA where’s that? It’s not here. Where is she now?
I can’t talk to my sister because she is very sick and dying from cancer herself. So I won’t burden her with my problems. My mother don’t understand because she’s going to be 101 in November. I can’t talk to my friend because his mother just passed in July. Now waiting for Medicare to talk to a stranger that didn’t know Mia or myself but for money you have to paint a picture for them just to tell me something I already know. Life is just grand. Without Mia now I’m definitely on my own, alone. Why dose it have to be this way? Death is so permanent not seeing her anymore just In images and memories is not what wanted. I wasn’t ready neither was Mia.
Someone else said it better that I can, a long time ago.
"Now, I don't pretend to tell you how to find happiness and love when every day is just a struggle to survive, but I do insist that you do survive. Because the days, and years ahead are worth living for."
-- Edith Keeler
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A while ago you were asking for hope that she was in a better place. I sent some to you in PM. Where is this attitude coming from now?
This is a completely unfair characterization and is clearly sheer bitterness talking. Someone I was close to needed counseling, and it helped them immensely. Do not discount it until you have tried it. These people absolutely can and will help you.
Death comes for us all, and "ready" doesn't enter into it. That's how life in this fallen world is. I wasn't ready either to see my grandmother die, or before that, the German teacher in high school that I really liked. Nothing in this world is permanent and being able to let go of things and people and deal with loss in a healthy way is a vital life skill. Again, a counselor can help you with that.
flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
I just keep thinking I let her down and that is one of the reasons why I can’t move on.
I would always promised her I was here to protect you and that I would always protect you. She was doing so good after the vet visit on June 9th you can see it in her. She was Mia again that Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. She started getting sick on Wednesday June 14th again not eating but still using her litter box and still drinking water. Like us some days you just don’t feel like eating but I could tell something was wrong again. I pet her on the floor that afternoon and repeated the same thing to her. I am here to protect you.
Thursday morning June 15th she was laying on her stomach by her water dish and my wife said I think she’s dying and not eating or drinking water. She did finally drink water and used her litter box. She followed me upstairs and sat on her box by the window where I was petting her as always.
That day I had to attend a high school graduation for my Godson and had to leave at noon. Thinking she was dying I should have never left her. After graduation there was a late lunch but I couldn’t eat anything thinking about Mia. I had to call the vet for an appointment on Friday that she might be dying and may need to be put down but not without the exam by the vet. Everyone at the table knew I was crying on the phone outside and you can hear a pin drop at the table.I left the restaurant a 1/2 mile down the street and was supposed to go back to my friends home for my God daughters 8th grade graduation at 6:00. I stopped home at 4:00 to check on Mia and when I got to the bedroom she was in the middle of that terrible stroke. Trust me you will never ever want to see a cat having a stroke. It’s heart wrenching.
I always worry about everyone else or what they will say if I don’t show up. I left her again in her condition in the middle of that stroke. My wife said there’s nothing we can do and we should get going. Thats twice I made two mistakes in the same day and now I am blaming myself for leaving her twice. I was her friend and I should have been there for her. When you tell a friend you will always be there for them then you better keep your word to them. I didn’t and I let her down. Some friend I supposed to be.
I would always promised her I was here to protect you and that I would always protect you. She was doing so good after the vet visit on June 9th you can see it in her. She was Mia again that Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. She started getting sick on Wednesday June 14th again not eating but still using her litter box and still drinking water. Like us some days you just don’t feel like eating but I could tell something was wrong again. I pet her on the floor that afternoon and repeated the same thing to her. I am here to protect you.
Thursday morning June 15th she was laying on her stomach by her water dish and my wife said I think she’s dying and not eating or drinking water. She did finally drink water and used her litter box. She followed me upstairs and sat on her box by the window where I was petting her as always.
That day I had to attend a high school graduation for my Godson and had to leave at noon. Thinking she was dying I should have never left her. After graduation there was a late lunch but I couldn’t eat anything thinking about Mia. I had to call the vet for an appointment on Friday that she might be dying and may need to be put down but not without the exam by the vet. Everyone at the table knew I was crying on the phone outside and you can hear a pin drop at the table.I left the restaurant a 1/2 mile down the street and was supposed to go back to my friends home for my God daughters 8th grade graduation at 6:00. I stopped home at 4:00 to check on Mia and when I got to the bedroom she was in the middle of that terrible stroke. Trust me you will never ever want to see a cat having a stroke. It’s heart wrenching.
I always worry about everyone else or what they will say if I don’t show up. I left her again in her condition in the middle of that stroke. My wife said there’s nothing we can do and we should get going. Thats twice I made two mistakes in the same day and now I am blaming myself for leaving her twice. I was her friend and I should have been there for her. When you tell a friend you will always be there for them then you better keep your word to them. I didn’t and I let her down. Some friend I supposed to be.
With all due respect, I don't think that's true. Blaming yourself isn't why you can't move on, blaming yourself is because you can't move on. You're stuck, and groundless self-blame is where you're stuck. I think, as a completely lay observer, that why you can't move on is at least in part neurochemical. Which is good, because that means it can be treated.
That's harder. Because maybe you're right that it would have been better to stay. Not that you could have saved her; you couldn't. Maybe you could have been a comfort to her. And that's a real, undeniable, legitimate regret. Regret, too, is something that we can learn to accept, learn to forgive ourselves, and learn to move on. Not forget, not stop regretting, but stop berating yourself. Like the loss, it's not something you'll ever get over, but it's something you can, eventually, live with.
Get the counselling. See a psychiatrist (who may or may not prescribe as I've guessed). Allow yourself to get better.
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Built a roof rack over the weekend with parts from tnutz.com. Still need to build the front faring for noise reduction. As a bonus though, if you stand the vehicle on it back end you have not one but two launch rails!
Ken
From the first pic it looks like you meant roof rack in the literal sense…
Went to the cigar shop just to get out of the house.
flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
Yes I am really holding on to this because I feel like I abandoned her when she needed me the most. Like I had said I worry to much about what other people around me might say or think. Well that’s not going to happen anymore. She need me that day. As a friend, friends supposed to be there for each other and that day I wasn’t now it’s to late. I was mad at my wife and Im still mad at her for this. Like I told her if someone is having a heart attack you don’t say we’re going out for a little while and we will be back to check in on you later. WRONG!!! You get them help! Mia needed my help and my comfort and I wasn’t there as I always promised her. It’s not like you get a do over. It’s a one shot deal and I feel like I failed her that day not once but twice. This is why I feel like I want to give up. I loved Mia and I still do but I hate myself. Everything now has no more meaning without her. My everyday things I use to love to do I just don’t care about anymore. Like my rocket hobby. One day I just wanted to go in that room and smash every kit I have. The fun times and good times are gone forever with Mia. A lot of people in here has really tried to help me but it hurts not having her knowing I will never see Mia again or pet her or look into her eyes or even play when she wanted to.
I tried to talk myself into moving on like she was getting old or she wasn’t going to pull out of that stroke. I tried to think about reality with her but when I walk past that bedroom and I see the small amount of sun shining on that bed she’s not there laying in it. That’s becomes my reality.
My brother has started chemo today. Doing well so far.
Received a 5C collet set for my lathe I had ordered.
This lets me hold cylindrical pieces (3-26mm diameter) in the lathe with much more precision than using my 3-jaw chuck. It is fitted to the spindle Morse Taper, in place of the chuck. I had a job recently that I had to resort to using the more inconvenient 4-jaw chuck to get runout on the work piece sufficiently small (sub 10 micron). Been going to order one of these for ages but kept forgetting how useful they are.
Received a 5C collet set for my lathe I had ordered.
This lets me hold cylindrical pieces (3-26mm diameter) in the lathe with much more precision than using my 3-jaw chuck. It is fitted to the spindle Morse Taper, in place of the chuck. I had a job recently that I had to resort to using the more inconvenient 4-jaw chuck to get runout on the work piece sufficiently small (sub 10 micron). Been going to order one of these for ages but kept forgetting how useful they are.
- "I feel like I want to give up."
- "I hate myself."
- "Everything now has no more meaning."
- "My everyday things I use to love to do I just don’t care about anymore."
- "The fun times and good times are gone forever."
- "Yes I am really holding on to this."
You Are In Danger!
PLEASE, get medical help. This is way beyond grieving, and the help you need is beyond grief counselling. (Grief counselling is probably a big part of a thorough treatment plan.) I feel like I should forward these messages to the social services department where you live so they will send someone to see you, even though that may be overstepping what's my business and is probably not really a practical possibility anyway.
agree+1
I went to the cigar/pipe shop so that I could get away for the day.
Spent most of the day looking for a variable frequency drive for the optical coating unit I am completing at work. Not much space in the control cabinet left, so I am really scratching to find something that will fit. Found a few extra millimeters this afternoon, so I have an option or two to choose from now. Not entirely inexpensive with the smaller footprints though.
Completed filling holes in tiles and drywall in the bathroom I am renovating. Holes were filled with epoxy putty, then sanded back. I had a couple of divots in some so I added a smidge of West Systems 105/206 over the top to get everything properly filled. Close to having tiles and shower base painted now. Waiting on quotes for that.
Attended our local American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics meeting, via Zoom. Listened to a presentation on destructive flutter on aircraft wings and flaperons.
Completed filling holes in tiles and drywall in the bathroom I am renovating. Holes were filled with epoxy putty, then sanded back. I had a couple of divots in some so I added a smidge of West Systems 105/206 over the top to get everything properly filled. Close to having tiles and shower base painted now. Waiting on quotes for that.
Attended our local American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics meeting, via Zoom. Listened to a presentation on destructive flutter on aircraft wings and flaperons.
flyingeagle
Well-Known Member
I’m not myself anymore. I use to come in here reading the posts about rocketry and the neat techniques people come up with. Now I sit typing about my loss and struggle with the death of my friend and companion. The fall is coming and the leaves will be falling from the trees letting more sun in that back bedroom. Mia loved laying in the sun for its warmth and was comfortable. The sun is still there around 5 o’clock but she’s not.
18 years and the past 3 and a 1/2 I was home from a permanent work injury with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Our bond became very strong. Now there’s nothing except memories and heartbreak. I know death is a part of life but this time it got to me. I use to have a normal day but without Mia I’m so lost and there’s nothing to look forward to. Honestly do I want to live like this anymore, NO but that’s why I don’t want to be here anymore either. What’s the sense.
I can’t seem to please people around me anymore. No one wants to talk to me about Mia dying or my feelings about it.At least in here people are willing to listen. Hell even venders not meaning to bring it up but Bad Boy Rocketry won’t even sell to me anymore. Things aren’t what the should be. It’s like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong.
I refilled my lighters.
That's... really odd. Have they told you "No we won't sell to you", or are they just not responding to orders? Have they told you why? I can't imagine a business turning away sales because the customer is depressed over a loss.
Waiting for news on Younger Daughter's surgery, she went in an hour or so ago. Thank the FSM she isn't getting the Whipple procedure [which would have meant removal of gall bladder, part of stomach, part or all of pancreas(!!), duodenum; six hours of surgery and months of recovery]. Instead they're removing the gall bladder and doing some internal plumbing, rerouting ducts and what-have-you. Should be in the hospital a couple of days, plus recovery at home for a couple of weeks.
Geniece is there in St. Louis right now. I have a Dr appt tomorrow in Paducah and will head up after that so G can return to work Friday or Saturday. Tag-team nursing care.
Geniece is there in St. Louis right now. I have a Dr appt tomorrow in Paducah and will head up after that so G can return to work Friday or Saturday. Tag-team nursing care.
Cl(VII)
Chris Bender
Just watched the race video from Ironman for the World Championship. This is the first thing I've seen that does the course, city, volunteers and overall experience justice...one of the coolest (and most brutal) days I've ever had. Also, I'm way too happy about being part of the Mark Allen narrated pre-race montage (38-40 sec, bearded guy in Roka swim skin), even if it is my "what have I gotten myself into" face. I look much happier toward the end of the video when I've long finished, am in the crowd and cheering in the final hour finishers.
This isn't my last race for sure, but feels like the completion of a major goal. At the end of 2019 I decided I had to get healthy as it felt like my health was at the point it was going to start to spiral if I didn't get a grip on it. I accomplish things by setting insane goals and then working as hard as I can toward them. Sometimes I just can't get there, but then you still end up in a good place with the progress made. Along that line, 6'1" 260-ish lb me said "I'm going to do an Ironman." It took almost 3 years, but I did complete IM Waco, and was fast enough in the process to qualify for World Championships, which was this race. Along the line I lost 80 lbs, dropped my resting HR to 45 from 85, got off blood pressure meds and can now physically do anything I realistically want to. It wasn't a smooth process and I have the surgical scars from crash repair to show for it, but I'm still better off than I would have been.
I fully endorse setting crazy goals, publicly. The public part adds an aspect of accountability that is helpful, at least to me. Therefore, the next goal is to complete Tour Des Stations Ultrafondo cycling race [150 miles, 29029 ft cumulative climbing (height of Everest), in under 17h]. I'm genuinely not sure if I'll be able to do this one, but I'm gonna try.
I imagine some folks get sick of the race and training related stuff from me, but this is part of the public accountability aspect of what motivates me. Sorry, but I'm using you to push myself...thanks.
This isn't my last race for sure, but feels like the completion of a major goal. At the end of 2019 I decided I had to get healthy as it felt like my health was at the point it was going to start to spiral if I didn't get a grip on it. I accomplish things by setting insane goals and then working as hard as I can toward them. Sometimes I just can't get there, but then you still end up in a good place with the progress made. Along that line, 6'1" 260-ish lb me said "I'm going to do an Ironman." It took almost 3 years, but I did complete IM Waco, and was fast enough in the process to qualify for World Championships, which was this race. Along the line I lost 80 lbs, dropped my resting HR to 45 from 85, got off blood pressure meds and can now physically do anything I realistically want to. It wasn't a smooth process and I have the surgical scars from crash repair to show for it, but I'm still better off than I would have been.
I fully endorse setting crazy goals, publicly. The public part adds an aspect of accountability that is helpful, at least to me. Therefore, the next goal is to complete Tour Des Stations Ultrafondo cycling race [150 miles, 29029 ft cumulative climbing (height of Everest), in under 17h]. I'm genuinely not sure if I'll be able to do this one, but I'm gonna try.
I imagine some folks get sick of the race and training related stuff from me, but this is part of the public accountability aspect of what motivates me. Sorry, but I'm using you to push myself...thanks.
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