A joke worth sharing...

[Onebadhawk]

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.

so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

[jqavins]

Saturday afternoon, a rabii is on the links playing a round of golf. One of the angels notices, and goes to tell God. "Look at this outrage", it says. "He should be home resting on the Sabbath, not out playing golf. And him, of all people, a rabbi; look at what an example he's setting for your people!"

God says to the angel "Don't worry, I got this." The two of them wait until the rabbi prepares to tee off on the next hole. During the swing, God reaches out his hand, the club strikes the ball, and the ball takes off in a beautiful arc, straight toward the green. It lands on the green, bounces once, and roll directly into the cup.

The angel is confused, as near to outraged as it is possible for an angel to be with God. "What are you doing, Lord?" he asks. "This man, your servant, charged with being an example to others he breaks your commandment and you give him a hole in one?"

God looks at the angel and says "Who can he tell?"

 

[Onebadhawk]

A father passing by his son's bedroom…
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

 

[Onebadhawk]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,

“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,

“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,

Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral:

Never Bulla Shita your Mama.

Teddy

 

[boatgeek]

Not exactly a joke, but definitely an object lesson in how a librarian can commit murder without raising their voice...

We were riding down the interstate with my mother-in-law and family. A stupid modded Subaru buzzes past zipping between lanes so they can go 10 mph faster than the flow of traffic. It has the ugly spoiler, tuned exhaust, canted wheels, carbon fiber stickers, the works. “Why do they even do that to their cars?” MIL asks. My daughter pipes up from the back, “They’re trying to pick up chicks.”

A few miles down the road, the Subaru is broken down on the shoulder. MIL looks over and says, “I don’t see a line forming.”

 

[Antares JS]

Not exactly a joke, but definitely an object lesson in how a librarian can commit murder without raising their voice...

We were riding down the interstate with my mother-in-law and family. A stupid modded Subaru buzzes past zipping between lanes so they can go 10 mph faster than the flow of traffic. It has the ugly spoiler, tuned exhaust, canted wheels, carbon fiber stickers, the works. “Why do they even do that to their cars?” MIL asks. My daughter pipes up from the back, “They’re trying to pick up chicks.”

A few miles down the road, the Subaru is broken down on the shoulder. MIL looks over and says, “I don’t see a line forming.”

 

[Donnager]

View attachment 617894
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.

so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

First three toed hoofed ungulate I've seen, but I suspect CGI is a participant.

 

[kuririn]

"What does the yellow light on a traffic signal mean?"

"Slow down".

"What...does...the...yellow...light......"

 

[jqavins]

A truly classic scene.

 

[Onebadhawk]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,

and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

 

[Onebadhawk]

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.

Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?

Me - excuse me?

Her - you are wasting our bags!

Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.

Her - that's not my job!

Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.

Her - why are you using two bags?!

Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.

Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.

*10 seconds of me just staring at her.

Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.

Her - exactly.

Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.

Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.

*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.

Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.

Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.

*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don't get it.

And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

 

[teepot]

Personally, I think we should get some kind of discount for ringing up and bagging our groceries. 10% off the total would work for me.

 

[terryg]

I do not do self checkout!
Ever!

 

[jqavins]

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don't get it...

One can't blame stupidity on any particular curriculum. Curricula come and go, but stupidity is forever.

I do not do self checkout!
Ever!

I liked self checkout when it started, when there were a couple of kiosks and plenty of regular registers open. It was nice to have the option of checking out my own one or two items, but I would go to a cashier with any significant quantity of stuff. Now that things are reversed, plenty of kiosks and only one or two cashiers, it's a bad system.

 

[Donnager]

One can't blame stupidity on any particular curriculum. Curricula come and go, but stupidity is forever.


I liked self checkout when it started, when there were a couple of kiosks and plenty of regular registers open. It was nice to have the option of checking out my own one or two items, but I would go to a cashier with any significant quantity of stuff. Now that things are reversed, plenty of kiosks and only one or two cashiers, it's a bad system.

If you ever went to Home Depot with some 8' fluorescent tubes when there were no cashiers, you probably left the tubes on the floor by the registers. At least, you would have back when they actually used the load cells on the bag station.

Seems that part (product weighing) is less rigorous these days. If you could set an 8' long cylinder on an 18" tilted scale covered in bags, without it rolling off.......

 

[Onebadhawk]

A pastor asked an older farmer, decked out in bib overalls, to say grace for the morning breakfast.

"Lord, I hate buttermilk", the farmer began. The visiting pastor opened one eye to glance at the farmer and wonder where this was going.

The farmer loudly proclaimed, "Lord, I hate lard." Now the pastor was growing concerned.

Without missing a beat, the farmer continued, "And Lord, you know I don't much care for raw white flour". The pastor once again opened an eye to glance around the room and saw that he wasn't the only one to feel uncomfortable.

Then the farmer added, "But Lord, when you mix them all together and bake them, I do love warm fresh biscuits. So Lord, when things come up that we don't like, when life gets hard, when we don't understand what you're saying to us, help us to just relax and wait until you are done mixing. It will probably be even better than biscuits. Amen."

Within that prayer there is great wisdom for all when it comes to complicated situations like we are experiencing in the world today.

Stay strong, my friends, because our LORD is mixing several things that we don't really care for, but something even better is going to come when HE is done with it. AMEN!

 

[jqavins]

What's the punch line?

 

[tsmmiller]

The Matador Special
A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks?
"The Matador Special, Senor," the waiter replies.
What meat is it?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious.
In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"The Matador Special, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects, "I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."

 

[Donnager]

The Matador Special
A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks?
"The Matador Special, Senor," the waiter replies.
What meat is it?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious.
In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"The Matador Special, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects, "I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."

Better if you read it with a spanish accent....

 

[tsmmiller]

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?"
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."