A joke worth sharing...

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A man and a woman had been married sometime when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of women before. How many were there?"

The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."

The wife continued to beg and plead.

Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

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Shouldn't all these jokes, which happen to have a picture posted along with them, be in the joke thread? These posts don't really qualify as pictures that make you lol do they? It's more like, here a joke and just to try and be on topic I'll add a picture which kind of goes along with the joke if you need it to.
Yea, probably.
 
Shouldn't all these jokes, which happen to have a picture posted along with them, be in the joke thread? These posts don't really qualify as pictures that make you lol do they? It's more like, here a joke and just to try and be on topic I'll add a picture which kind of goes along with the joke if you need it to.
Searching for a joke you want to remember (and share) is easier in a thread dedicated to jokes, rather than the LOL picture thread which has thousands of posts.
 
An oldie but a goodie....

It was the World Series, and the teams were tied at three game each. In the seventh game, the Reds were forced to put in a rookie releaver. It was bottom of the ninth, tied at 2 - 2, with no one on and no one out.

The Reds sent out rookie reliever Mel Famie. But he was so nervous about pitching in such a clutch situation that he drank a Schlitz beer!

He walked the first batter, ran into the dugout and drank another Schlitz! Walked another batter and drank another Schlitz! Finally he walked the bases loaded and drank another Schlitz!

By this time he was so drunk that walked the fourth batter, and the Yankees won the series. After the game, a reporter asked a Yankee player what kind of beer the pitcher was drinking. He said, "Don't you know? That was the beer that made Mel Famie walk us!"
 
Not a joke, but once I finished up a job at an Air Force base near the JD distillery, and the fellow I was working for (we were a sub) asked if I'd like to take a tour. So we get there and most of the tour people are young kids, probably working through college for the summer. But they didn't have enough so they told my small group of leftovers to wait over there... and shortly this fellow, must've been 6' 4" and at least 300 lb, bib overalls, bandana around his neck, 15 gallon hat, chew in his mouth and the most wonderful drawl, and we had the tour of tours - he knew everyone, he was funny, knew the history, the back room stories - he was slated to do some sort of TV thing for them apparently. Something I'll never forget (and no Joseph, I didn't have anythin' to drink!).
Have been on that tour quite a few times! Lynchburg is not far from Huntsville...
 
An oldie but a goodie....

It was the World Series, and the teams were tied at three game each. In the seventh game, the Reds were forced to put in a rookie releaver. It was bottom of the ninth, tied at 2 - 2, with no one on and no one out.

The Reds sent out rookie reliever Mel Famie. But he was so nervous about pitching in such a clutch situation that he drank a Schlitz beer!

He walked the first batter, ran into the dugout and drank another Schlitz! Walked another batter and drank another Schlitz! Finally he walked the bases loaded and drank another Schlitz!

By this time he was so drunk that walked the fourth batter, and the Yankees won the series. After the game, a reporter asked a Yankee player what kind of beer the pitcher was drinking. He said, "Don't you know? That was the beer that made Mel Famie walk us!"
Hmm. I remember his name being "Milt Famey". But as long as you can make the connection with Milwaukee it's all good!
Have been on that tour quite a few times! Lynchburg is not far from Huntsville...
So have you ever had the big guy for your tour? My understanding is that he's worked there for a very long time.
 
Not a joke, but once I finished up a job at an Air Force base near the JD distillery, and the fellow I was working for (we were a sub) asked if I'd like to take a tour. So we get there and most of the tour people are young kids, probably working through college for the summer. But they didn't have enough so they told my small group of leftovers to wait over there... and shortly this fellow, must've been 6' 4" and at least 300 lb, bib overalls, bandana around his neck, 15 gallon hat, chew in his mouth and the most wonderful drawl, and we had the tour of tours - he knew everyone, he was funny, knew the history, the back room stories - he was slated to do some sort of TV thing for them apparently. Something I'll never forget (and no Joseph, I didn't have anythin' to drink!).
So, I have to ask, what was the job on an Airforce Base, that the crew of a Navy two man miniature submarine crew were needed to accomplish?

You did say that you were a sub......... (anybody groaning yet?)
 
We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.
 
A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
"Oh my goodness," moaned the mother,. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
 
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A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

Teddy
 
ANGER MANAGEMENT



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.


A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"


Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.


I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.


When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.


Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.


I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.


I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" "My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole."


Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.


Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.


So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.


"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.


"Yeah," I said.


"Stop calling me," he screamed.


"Make me," I screamed back.


"Who are you?" he demanded.


"My name is Don Burgemeyer."


"Yeah? Where do you live?"


"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE!


It's a yellow house, with my black beemer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."


I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."


Then I called Asshole #2.


"Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said...again, without hanging up.


He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"


"Yeah, you'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.


I answered, Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.


Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.


There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.


NOW, I feel better.


Anger management really works!!!
 
Note to self: Never piss off Onebadhawk 🤣
Hahahahaha..
This thread made me go back into some really old folders..
I haven't seen that in over a decade..
I didn't even read it now,
I saw it and remembered laughing so hard it was difficult reading near the end..

Teddy

Ohhh,
Some seriously cool ones in a poetry / Quote folder too..
 
Hahahahaha..
This thread made me go back into some really old folders..
I haven't seen that in over a decade..
I didn't even read it now,
I saw it and remembered laughing so hard it was difficult reading near the end..

Teddy

Ohhh,
Some seriously cool ones in a poetry / Quote folder too..
We have been warned... 🤣
 
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Spray is $3.50."
 
This just happened: I go to the grocer's and grab two things. Cashier asked if I wanted a bag. I respond with a smile, " No thanks, I married one" Old joke. He then says (looking at my beat up NASA hat) "Know what the salesman asked the engineer"? Umm, no...
"So when are we going to the moon again?" The engineer responds "If I told you, I'd have to kill you". Salesman sez "Okay, just tell my wife". Baddaboom! True story.
 
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!
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Teddy
 

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.​

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean.

So’s the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married!”
 
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