A joke worth sharing...

[K'Tesh]

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

Wearily, she raised her head, and said;

“You idiot, I meant my dress size.”


The moral of this story is:
When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

 

[Bat-mite]

The moral of this story is:
When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

"If a man speaks in a forest where his wife can't hear him, is he still wrong?"

 

[SILVERFOX]

ALWAYS

 

[K'Tesh]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said, ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do?!”

He said, “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.

“Yes, I do remember that shop….” she replied.

“Well I am in the bar next to that.”

 

[K'Tesh]

 

[jqavins]

The moral of this story is:
When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Nope. If she said "I'd love to be six again", and not "size six" or even "a six" then it's her own damn fault.

On the subject of Christmas shopping, there's an old Cathy strip I wish I could find. Cathy and Irving are sitting in a car, arriving at the mall. The whole strip is thought balloons. I don't remember it word for word. It goes something like this.

Cathy: We're here bright and early to start our shopping adventure.

Irving: We can get a great parking spot.​

We can browse and think so carefully about the exact perfect gift for each of our friends.

With no crowd we can get from one store to another in no time.​

With each gift we choose, we'll gain new insights into each other's thinking.

It'll be the easiest Christmas shopping we've ever done.​

What a great day this is going to be.

We can be out of here in 45 minutes.​

The last line is exact; that's the one that really stuck with me.

 

[Peartree]

We can be out of here in 45 minutes.​

Noob.

 

[Bat-mite]

A woman was late for an important appointment. She really needed a parking space right by the entrance, but the lot seemed full. As she headed for the front of the lot, she prayed, "Lord, if you get me a good parking spot, I swear I'll serve in the church nursery for a year!"

Before she finished the last word of her prayer, a car started backing out of a space right by the front door! So she prayed, "Never mind, Lord, I found one myself."

 

[K'Tesh]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said,

“Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,

“Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her,

“Barb, Barb!”

“Who is it?”, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly.

“Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me…Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose.

“I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!

So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Tuesday.”

 

[jqavins]

Three old ladies took a bottle of gin to a baseball game. In the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

 

[Cape Byron]

St Patrick's Day was yesterday and because I'm Irish my wife makes me have two shots of Irish Whiskey for breakfast.

Thank God that was yesterday, so I can go back to four shots this morning.

 

[Onebadhawk]

A FOUR-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAYCHECK

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little four-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's four-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a $10 check. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
"I will, if those asXhoxxs at Home Depot ever deliver the fxkix' drywall."

Teddy

 

[boomtube-mk2]

What happens when lawyers take Viagra?

They get taller.

 

[Onebadhawk]

What happens when lawyers take Viagra?

They get taller.

I'm really sorry..
And I'm old enough to know there are some questions I just shouldn't ask..

I dun get it..

Teddy

 

[jqavins]

Well, I assume that you know what Viagra is; it makes a particular part of a man's body grow larger, particularly in length. Viagra, the joke states, has the same effect on a lawyer's entire body. Thus, the lawyer is humorously stated to be a personification of said body part. It thus suggests referring to the lawyer by a profane term for said body part.

It's often said that if you have to explain a joke you've ruined it. I hope I have ruined this one adequately.

 

[Onebadhawk]

Ok,
I totally get it..
Eeehhhhhhhhh..
If that's funny, keep your day job,, lol..

Teddy

 

[boatgeek]

Ok,
I totally get it..
Eeehhhhhhhhh..
If that's funny, keep your day job,, lol..

Teddy

[puts rules goblin hat on] I'm pretty sure the thread title is "jokes worth sharing" not "good jokes" or "funny jokes".

 

[Onebadhawk]

[puts rules goblin hat on] I'm pretty sure the thread title is "jokes worth sharing" not "good jokes" or "funny jokes".

I kinda think a good joke or a funny joke is the one worth sharing.. lol..

Teddy

 

[K'Tesh]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

''Is your daddy home?'

'Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden,'

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'

'Yes she's out in the garden too''

The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'

Again the 'No'.

'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,' Is anybody else there?

''Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.

'Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ... 'ME'

 

[K'Tesh]

 

[Bat-mite]

Reminds me of the man who woke up one Sunday morning and told his wife that he wasn't going to church. She asked why not.

He said, "Because the sermons are boring and the hymn selection is terrible."

She said, "But, dear, you have to go -- you're the pastor."

 

[Onebadhawk]

View attachment 518121

Hahahahahahahhaha..

Dat was a goodie..

Teddy

 

[K'Tesh]

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are arrested during the French Revolution for the crime of being rich and are sent to the guillotine.
The executioner brings the doctor up the steps first.
“How do you wish to die Monsieur?”
“I wish to die with honor” replies the doctor. This means that he goes into the guillotine head first with no blindfold, so he can face the blade that will end his life. So in, face up, he goes.
The executioner pulls the cord, the blades falls… and stops halfway down. The executioner being a superstitious man exclaims, “Monsieur, God must want you to live. We cannot execute you. You are free to go.”
Next comes the lawyer. “How do you wish to die Monsieur?”
“I wish to die with honor” replies the lawyer. So in he goes, no blindfold, face up.
The executioner pulls the cord, the blades falls… and again stops halfway down.
“Monsieur, God must want you to live. We cannot execute you. You are free to go,” says the executioner.
Next comes the engineer. “How do you wish to die Monsieur?” The engineer, being no fool, replies, “I too wish to die with honor.” And so, in he goes, no blindfold, face up.
The executioner reaches for the cord, unsure what will happen next, when the engineer says, “Wait! I see the problem.”

 

[afadeev]

 

[K'Tesh]

 

[Blast it Tom!]

View attachment 522546

Not a joke, but once I finished up a job at an Air Force base near the JD distillery, and the fellow I was working for (we were a sub) asked if I'd like to take a tour. So we get there and most of the tour people are young kids, probably working through college for the summer. But they didn't have enough so they told my small group of leftovers to wait over there... and shortly this fellow, must've been 6' 4" and at least 300 lb, bib overalls, bandana around his neck, 15 gallon hat, chew in his mouth and the most wonderful drawl, and we had the tour of tours - he knew everyone, he was funny, knew the history, the back room stories - he was slated to do some sort of TV thing for them apparently. Something I'll never forget (and no Joseph, I didn't have anythin' to drink!).

 

[B4096]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

 

[B4096]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first."

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"

 

[B4096]

A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.

“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.

Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down.”

He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?”

“I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”

 

[Mushtang]

A Jesuit was out

Shouldn't all these jokes, which happen to have a picture posted along with them, be in the joke thread? These posts don't really qualify as pictures that make you lol do they? It's more like, here a joke and just to try and be on topic I'll add a picture which kind of goes along with the joke if you need it to.