There may be a down side. too much of a good thing?
INTERSPACE TELEX FROM SPACE COMMAND
URGENT: You have been ordered to take IMMEDIATE command of the Uranus Explorer II.
BACKGROUND: In the first half of the 21st century, concerns on Earth mounted regarding global warming. While there was a great uproar about changing human behavior to combat this menace, the problem solved itself in the second half of the century. While the well-meaning efforts of the "Greens," as they came to be called, may have had some impact, the finite supplies of fossil fuels expired by 2075. In addition, to fight the obesity epidemic, the fast food enterprises were vilified by the population. Ronald McDonald was hung in effigy in several countries. Since beef hamburgers were the main stock in trade for these restaurants, the demand for beef largely expired with the fast food franchises. The final major source of greenhouse gasses, the cattle farms, also went the way of the dinosaur. The global warming scare was over.
The loss of cheap fuel and fast foods led to a progressive sense of dissatisfaction among the people of Earth, who attempted to drown their sorrows in entertainment. VCRs and DVD players gave way to IPods, Androids, Playstations, Wiis, and other devices, all of which shared two features. First, they required electricity. Second, they were a mindless waste of time.
To replace the fossil fuels, the people of Earth maximized their use of renewable energy sources, including Wind, Geothermal, Hydroelectric, and Solar. The first three were largely limited by geography. Solar, however, was only limited by surface area. By the year 2125, solar "farms" had sprung up over much of the Earth’s surface, including Antarctica, and floating solar "mats" covered much of the oceans. Low Earth Orbit solar satellites created a virtual "traffic jam" in the skies, to the chagrin of terrestrial astronomers. Looking up at the sky at night, more stars "moved" than remained in once place.
The combination of the loss of greenhouse gas generators and the impact of solar collectors shading much of Earth’s surface as well as filling the skies had an effect that should have been anticipated--- the Earth's climate was heading for a second Ice Age. Temperatures plummeted.
Many different plans to restore the greenhouse gas "blanket" were attempted. A nationwide chili marathon was probably the most grandiose. It had little effect on the global atmosphere, but resulted in numerous hospitalizations throughout the state of Texas dues to the accumulation of noxious gases. In desperation, the people of Earth looked to the skies for help. The United States, once an importer of fossil fuels, now developed a plan to import greenhouse gases from space.
Of the four planetary gas giants, the highest concentrations of methane are found around Uranus, at roughly 2% of the atmosphere by volume. While further away than Saturn and Jupiter, manned expeditions to Uranus in 2186 found the planet had a rocky core with numerous central caverns. Concentrations of methane within the caverns approached 75%. Unlike Saturn and Jupiter, the caverns could be sealed, cleared of the methane, heated, and pressurized. In other words, there could be life inside Uranus.
Drilling operations began in 2192, and the planet was formally colonized under the leadership of Admiral Ezekiel Koli in 2199. The fecundity of E. Koli's descendents became legendary, and within 5 years the colonists had spread throughout the bowels of the planet. Methane gas generated within the rocky core was diverted to natural "vents" on the planet surface. This gas was collected in Surface Repositories (dubbed "SuPositories.") The SuPositories were then harvested by tanker ships and the gas was transported to Earth. The effort has been thus far successful. Earth's temperatures have stabilized and are gradually returning to 21st century levels. The only casualty was the state of Utah, which seceded from the Union when the restoration of "normal" temperatures forced them to abandon plans for year-round skiing.
During the drilling operations on Uranus, miners discovered rich deposits of Amodium. Existing in two chemical isomers, the "L" or levo form and the "D" or dextro form, Uranian Amodium was predominantly in the D isomer. Valued for its medical properties, Amodium-D is extremely useful in the treatment of dysentery. Earth's Amodium supplies were exhausted in the early 21st century in a vain attempt to stem the tide of large fecal outflows from Washington, D.C. Uranus produces 80% of the pharmaceutical grade Amodium-D in the solar system. The only other major supply of Amodium-D is in the asteroid belt. Tanker ships, notorious for poor hygiene, were plagued with dysentery and the production of Amodium around Uranus rivaled the methane mining operations in profitability.
The growing population inside Uranus yearned for the same amenities and distractions as their distant Earthly cousins. Entrepreneurs, ever anxious to make a credit, established venues on the Uranian satellites, including a Disney Theme Park, "Part of Your World," on the satellite Ariel, a Lane Bryant Woman's Clothing outlet store on the satellite Titania, and a romantic bed and breakfast getaway, "A Quiver of Love" on the satellite Cupid. By 2250, Uranian commerce had established a respectable amount of regularity.
Unfortunately, the hygienic habits of the Tanker ship crews did not improve. Due to failure in interspace decontamination procedures, one or more tankers have carried a type of "animal fungus" from the asteroids to the surface of Uranus. These vile creatures reproduce rapidly and are incredibly adherent to the rock and ice surface of the Uranian core. They are particularly attracted to the relative heat around the vents of Uranus. Dubbed, "Cling-Ons" by the colonists, the invaders have destroyed the SuPositories and have multiplied to the extent that they are now obstructing many of the methane outlets. The buildup of pressure behind the vents is reaching dangerous levels, producing dyspepsia, nausea, and vomiting among the population of the planet. Mining operations of Amodium-D have ground to a halt. Because there is no local supply, an outbreak of dysentery on the satellite Oberon has required importation of Amodium from the asteroid belt. This has put an incredible load on an already strained interplanetary supply system.
The situation is now CRITICAL.
We have deployed Remotely Operated Infrared Detectors (ROIDs) within all the major vents to monitor the situation. The ROIDs will detect focal temperature increases which herald obstruction. Additional SuPositories have been prepared to replace those destroyed by the Cling-Ons. The Jovian and Saturnine Fleets have been redirected to assist in the emergency.
The initial scout ship, the Uranus Explorer, was mothballed in 2195. It has been recommissioned for the rescue effort. The previous BVD-1 subspace engine has been upgraded to the BVD-2. The ship has also been augmented by 4 Procto and Gamble Sharmin "Ultra" outboard engines to give it interplanetary capability at 0.25 light speed.
Your mission is as follows:
- Rendezvous with the USS Colon Powell (commanded by Admiral Sigmoid Koli) and guide the Fleets in the evacuation of Uranus.
- Scour Uranus and wipe out the Cling-Ons.
- Monitor the ROIDs. At any hint of sensitivity, insert the replacement SuPositories to relieve the obstructed vents.
- Restore Amodium-D mining operations, to reduce the frequency and urgency of the runs between the asteroids and Uranus.
Addendum: On successful completion of this mission, you and your spouse are authorized a 30 day furlough at the "Quiver of Love" on Cupid. Remember, with 27 satellites, there is always a full moon around Uranus.
END TRANSMISSION
. It mostly does that when the solar panels aren’t insured.
