The Squirrel

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Well-Known Member
May 25, 2004
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I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect . I was on Brice Street- a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or
avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes.

His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he
screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed
only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing..

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities.

He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.. my brain was just simply overloaded.

I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he
is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak. Picture a new
scene. You are a cop.

You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get
my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were
flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves.

And some Band-Aids.

Author unknown.

LMHO....... man im sitting here lafin like a moron.... lol, but thanx for the diversion from my geometry final!!!!! back 2 work.. haha... *sigh*..

Thats almost as good as the blimp of death one and the "of dragons and cows" thread!

That is without a doubt, the funniest story I have read in quite some time! I hope you are OK (might want to get checked for rabies :eek: ) as well as the 2 police officers. I'm sure you'll never look at squirrels the same way again...

Thank you for sharing :)
Originally posted by lalligood
That is without a doubt, the funniest story I have read in quite some time! I hope you are OK (might want to get checked for rabies :eek: ) as well as the 2 police officers. I'm sure you'll never look at squirrels the same way again...

Thank you for sharing :)

I wish I could say the story was about me but its not. It is one of the funniest thing ive ever read in my life.

Wouldnt it have been easier to just slam on the brakes and stop and go and roll on the ground or something?

That story is extremely funny though! :D:D:D

yeah you have be on the outlook for those combat trained ninja mutant squirrels......cousins to Gerb's combat trained ninja gerbils I believe........
LOL that was so funny, shoulda just hit the squirl and ran it over
More Monty Python! I love it!

Hes got BIG, SHARP, POINTY TEETH!!!! (imitates teeth)

very eccentric performance...

Go on Bors, chop his head off!

One rabbit stew, comin right up!

(bunny, or squirrel, if you preffer, jumps up and bites Bors' head off)


(knights of round table huddle behind rock)


(squeak squeak squak) (rabbit bites 3 more heads of)

RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY! (Sir Robin wets himself :D )

How many did we loose? Gawain... Hector... (someone whos name I forget)... Thats five.

Three, my lord.


Would it help if we were to run away some more?

Shut up, and go and change your armor!:eek:

My lord, we have The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

YES! The sacred relic brother Maynard carries with him! (Maynard just happens to be passing by...)

Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!

(music plays)

How does it... Er... how does it work?

Consult the Book of Armaments!

And the Lord did Grin... And he blessed this, thy holy hand grenade... "With this, being out of my sight, may you blow your enimies to tiny bits!" And the people did feast... Orangutans, breakfast cereals, fruit bats... (Brother Maynard tells person reading to skip a few pages) "You shall pull the holy pin, and then you shall count too three. Not four. Nor two. Five is right-out. Three is the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three."


(pulls pin) 1...2...5... THREE MY LORD, THREE! "THREE!" (throws grenade) (rabbit blows up)

:D Sorry for going a little long there....:eek: But THAT is truly how to dispense of troublesome rodents!:D