Quantcast

Shop humor

The Rocketry Forum

Help Support The Rocketry Forum:

Rex R

LV2
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
6,101
Reaction score
144
was rummaging through my files looking for a type font(and found it) and ran across this collection of tool definitions that I harvested from another forum, enjoy.
Rex
Saw this on the Warship Models Underway forum....

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH:
Used to start the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of knuckle abrasions.

PLIERS:
Used to complete the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers completely round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC JACK:
A tool used for raising a car to change a flat tire that seldom fits under a car with a flat tire.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

WIRE CUTTERS:
Handy for cutting wires and zip ties. Can also be used to determine the
presence of electricity.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl, records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.

Son of a pregnant dog TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a pregnant dog' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 

Banzai88

Lvl 1,Wallet....Destroyed
TRF Supporter
Joined
Jul 15, 2015
Messages
2,561
Reaction score
726
I printed this and posted it in our back shop for my engineers!
 

dr wogz

Fly caster
Joined
Feb 5, 2009
Messages
6,121
Reaction score
1,297
Location
Land of Poutine!
Robertson Screw driver:
A tool devised to drive US home owners nuts over a "square holed screws" You either have one & no screws it'll fit. Or have screws, and need said tool to loosen / tighten said screw (and cannot be obtained locally when the need arises).. Commonly purchased on visits to "Canada" as a novelty item or curiosity..
 

Rex R

LV2
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
6,101
Reaction score
144
I actually have a couple of drivers for square head screws...for a product made in Canada. that falls into the same category as those blessed 'butterfly' head screws used in Holly carb.s(double pumper), just try and someone that sells those during the weekend.
Rex
 

ThirstyBarbarian

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,630
Reaction score
1,240
I don't own any of these tools. Don't need 'em. I find I can more efficiently cause even greater damage and injuries by improvising and using the incorrect, dull, broken, or worn-out tool for purposes for which it was never intended. More bang for the buck that way.
 

Bat-mite

Rocketeer in MD
Joined
Dec 5, 2013
Messages
10,986
Reaction score
1,740
Location
Maryland
I don't own any of these tools. Don't need 'em. I find I can more efficiently cause even greater damage and injuries by improvising and using the incorrect, dull, broken, or worn-out tool for purposes for which it was never intended. More bang for the buck that way.
Mark Watney style!
 

ThirstyBarbarian

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,630
Reaction score
1,240
Mark Watney style!
Exactly!

The difference is I'm not stranded on a hostile planet with no choice but to improvise. I just like to save money. Why spend money on a fancy ladder when I can more easily fall off the rolling office chair I already have? You're not going to become a millionaire by spending on over-priced tools. Most of the jobs described in the list above can be done with a rusty Leatherman from a garage sale --- plus, it's handy in the kitchen and can be used for DIY dentistry!
 

rharshberger

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2014
Messages
9,795
Reaction score
1,766
Location
Pasco, WA
Exactly!

The difference is I'm not stranded on a hostile planet with no choice but to improvise. I just like to save money. Why spend money on a fancy ladder when I can more easily fall off the rolling office chair I already have? You're not going to become a millionaire by spending on over-priced tools. Most of the jobs described in the list above can be done with a rusty Leatherman from a garage sale --- plus, it's handy in the kitchen and can be used for DIY dentistry!
And you darn sure wont become a millionaire spending money on hospital bills caused by a rolling office chair.....
 

ThirstyBarbarian

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,630
Reaction score
1,240
And you darn sure wont become a millionaire spending money on hospital bills caused by a rolling office chair.....
Well, yeah. Having an injury is expensive. All I'm saying is you don't have to spend a lot to get injured in the first place. Why would I buy a band saw to cut off my thumb when I can easily cut off my thumb with the saber saw I got at the flea market 20 years ago? Plus, the saber saw starts to smoke after 3 minutes of use, so there's a chance of fire. You don't get that with a brand new tool!
 

rharshberger

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2014
Messages
9,795
Reaction score
1,766
Location
Pasco, WA
Well, yeah. Having an injury is expensive. All I'm saying is you don't have to spend a lot to get injured in the first place. Why would I buy a band saw to cut off my thumb when I can easily cut off my thumb with the saber saw I got at the flea market 20 years ago? Plus, the saber saw starts to smoke after 3 minutes of use, so there's a chance of fire. You don't get that with a brand new tool!
Isn't that the truth cheap tools or expensive they all can do some serious damage!
 

TopRamen

SA-5
Joined
Aug 9, 2013
Messages
9,957
Reaction score
84
I'd seen them before, but they always crack me up and I think about them pretty much every time I pick up ANY TOOL.

I needed to start the day with a laugh, so thanks!!!
 

adrian

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2009
Messages
2,394
Reaction score
27
Along similar lines:

Artificial intelligence: a device which does what it is supposed to do, because it knows what you're going to do to it if it doesn't. This is why computers cause problems for users but fail to show the same symptom when the engineer arrives to fix them.

I like cross-head screws. You can turn them with a flat-head screwdriver, and if the screwdriver is a little too small and damages the screw head rather than turning it, you get a second chance with a slightly larger screwdriver. Torx screws are even better, you get three chances. Apple are evil, they've invented a five-point screw which is immune to flat-head screwdrivers and probably immune to five-point screwdrivers as well. The best way to open a device with these screws is with a chisel.
 

Screaminhelo

Shade Tree Rocket Surgeon
Joined
Jan 31, 2013
Messages
934
Reaction score
4
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
As a function of its divining properties, a hammer is also useful for verifying where you have placed your fingers.
 

ChrisAttebery

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 16, 2014
Messages
2,453
Reaction score
60
I've found that those trapezoidal razor knife blades work well for removing Apple's screws. Push the point in hard and turn.


Apple are evil, they've invented a five-point screw which is immune to flat-head screwdrivers and probably immune to five-point screwdrivers as well. The best way to open a device with these screws is with a chisel.
 

ThirstyBarbarian

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,630
Reaction score
1,240
I've found that those trapezoidal razor knife blades work well for removing Apple's screws. Push the point in hard and turn.
This is exactly what I'm talking about! Why buy an expensive specialty screwdriver when you can just as easily sever an artery using a razor knife as a screwdriver?
 

ChrisAttebery

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 16, 2014
Messages
2,453
Reaction score
60
Exactly! LOL!

This reminds me that when I raced RC boats there was a span of about 15 years where I always had at least one X-acto knife cut on my hands. I don't have as many these days and they mostly come from touching the edges of milling cutters or parts fresh off the CNC mill. Every once in awhile I get a real good cut from a bracket or something. So I guess all those parts also serve as scalpels. :facepalm:


This is exactly what I'm talking about! Why buy an expensive specialty screwdriver when you can just as easily sever an artery using a razor knife as a screwdriver?
 

BuiltFromTrash

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 7, 2014
Messages
305
Reaction score
2
I can say that I have experienced a few of these sayings. That last one tho...
So funny!
 

fyrwrxz

latest photo
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Messages
6,580
Reaction score
56
True story: Working in an auto parts store, an older gentleman comes in wearing bib overalls and says he bought his daughter "one 'o' them furrin' cars" and he needed some tools to work on it. I escort him over to the tool displays and load him up with no resistance. Jokingly, I reached over and grabbed a 'metric crescent wrench'. Not skipping a beat he says he'll take that too! So I'm ringing him up and get to the 'metric crescent wrench' and pause for effect...no reaction! Sure hope it fits on that "furrin" car!
 

cobra1336

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2009
Messages
967
Reaction score
20
Grinding wheel - used for shaping and smoothing metal. Requires great eye concentration while transferring heat to your fingers but no matter how fast you react, you realize it's to late. Medical remedy is to grab the cold beer next to the grinder. The next time you use the grinder you remember to place the cold beer next to it but you forgot why, then it happens again.
 

Maxitout

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 25, 2011
Messages
398
Reaction score
14
A long time ago, I was an auto mechanic. I would go on the Snap-On truck and ask for a pair of metric pliers. He didn't know what to think. I also asked our part guy to bring us some metric hose clamps-I tried to explain to him that we were working on more foreign cars, and the 3/4" clamp would not do, I asked for some 19mm clamps for the metric hoses..... :)

Phil L.
 

cobra1336

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2009
Messages
967
Reaction score
20
Car lift - equipment used to lift vehicles. Often secured to the ground. Used to prove that an object in motion remains in motion is a false theory when your head smacks into it, it doesn't move and your head stops moving but your feet don't.
 

cobra1336

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2009
Messages
967
Reaction score
20
Creeper - used to allow you to lay on your back to service a vehicle. Generally can't be found in the garage untill you step on it and there you are, flat on your back, IT WORKED!
 

dhbarr

Amateur Professional
Joined
Jan 30, 2016
Messages
7,008
Reaction score
1,458
Adhesive: a tool for finding your parts by feel.

Paint: a grit detection system.

Dry time: either a) instant or b) eternity less one thumbprint
 

Worsaer

Amateur Propulsionist
TRF Lifetime Supporter
Joined
Jan 11, 2012
Messages
1,769
Reaction score
82
Location
Central Virginia
Easy Out: You hope you never need it because it's usually neither one nor the other.
 
Top