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Bat-mite

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If you have one, share it. But keep it accessible to young folks. Thanks.

A Chinese man that had immigrated to the US in the 19th century, stood before his sons very upset. It seems that one of them had tipped the outhouse into the river. The man approached his oldest:

"Son #1, did you tip outside in river?"

"No, Honorable Father, I did not."

"Son #2, did you tip outside in river?"

"No, Honorable Father, I did not."

"Son #3, did you tip outside in river?"

"No, Honorable Father, I did not."

This did not suit the father at all. So he addressed them. "One of you is obviously lying. So let me tell you a story about this great country we now live in.

"You see, before this nation was born, the great President George Washington was just a boy, like you. One day, George cut down his father's cherry tree. When father asked George, George said, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I cut down the cherry tree.' The father was happy with George, and he went on to become number one president."

Looking at them sternly, he tried again.

"Son #1, did you tip outside in river?"

"No, Honorable Father, I did not."

"Son #2, did you tip outside in river?"

"No, Honorable Father, I did not."

"Son #3, did you tip outside in river?"

"Yes, Father. I cannot tell a lie. I tipped outhouse in river."

At that point, the father jumped on him and beat him about half-senseless.

The son screamed, "Father, Father ... I tell the truth, like George Washington. Why you beat me? Why you not pleased like George Washington father?"

"Because," said the father, "George Washington father was not sitting in cherry tree when George cut it down!"
 

TSMILLER

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This from Jerry Clower, it loses in the written form. Listening to him always brings me to tears.

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull. The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks he's a gettin' any of my cows, well, he's got another think comin'."
The second bull says, "There ain't but 30 cows here that are mine and that new bull sure ain't get any of my cows."
The young bull says, "There ain't but 10 cows here that even know me, but I sure ain't lettin' that new bull have any of 'em." A few hours later a tractor trailer arrives and the bulls listen as the air brakes let out a whoosh, then the trailer doors open and and the gate lowers what has to be the biggest, meanest, orneriest looking brahma bull they've ever seen. Great big hump on his back, huge horns, froth dripping from his jowls as he stamps and paws at the ground.
The old bull says, "Ya know, I've been thinkin, it's mighty selfish of me to keep all them cows for myself, I might just part with a few of 'em to be neighborly."
The second bull says, "Ya know, I'm thinkin the same thing, no need for me to keep all thirty of them cows to myself, gets to be a mite tiresome."
The young bull lets out a huge snort and starts stamping and pawin' at the ground, raisin' a huge ruckus.
The old bull says, "Woo boy, what's a matter with you? Don't you know that new bull will kill you?"
The young bull says, "I'm just makin' sure that he knows that I'm a bull..."
 

MJW

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A priest, a rabbi, and an imam all walk into a bar...

They all say ”ouch!”
 

mbauer

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A grandfather was walking his grandson to school one fine spring day. The birds were singing. A nearby lawn sprinkler was sparkling/shimmering in the early morning sun.

As they were walking along, the grandfather decided to tell his grandson about how far he had to walk when he went to school so many years ago.

"Grandson, when I went to school I had to walk 6-miles each way to get there in the morning and then again in the afternoon to get home. It didn't matter if it was raining, foggy or snowing. Ice storms were the worst. Sometimes it was nice back then just like now."

The little boy looks up at him and asks, " Grandpa did you have a Ford back then too?".
 

mbauer

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Oddball and Curveball were in a local pub enjoying some beers. Both needed a bathroom break at the same time. Heading out back they soon found a two hole outhouse. Curveball bent over to raise his seat, and a nickel fell out of his pocket down into the hole.

Curveball looks down in the hole, looks up, ganders at Oddball, and then reaches into his pockets and pulls out a hand full of money and throws down into the smelly hole.

Oddball looks over and asks, " Curveball why'd do that for?"

Curveball looks back and says, "You don't think I'm going down there just for a nickel do ya?"
 

Bat-mite

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The one with the bulls reminded me of this ...

There was an old rooster who had the run of the henhouse, but the farmer kept trying to put a young rooster in with him.

Well, the old rooster wasn't about to give up. He still had a few good years in him, and he didn't want to share his hens. So one day a young rooster walked into the henhouse, bragging and showing off.

"Hey, old man, there's new sheriff in town!" He preened and strutted like he were the king of the world.

So the old rooster said, "I tell you what. Rather than compete for the hens, let's have a contest, and whoever wins get the hens. I was thinking a race around the barn. All I ask is that you give me a slight head start. What do you say?"

Well, the young rooster was sure there was no way he could lose a race to an old rooster like that, even with a head start. So he said, "You're on!"

The old rooster took off out the door, and the young rooster followed right on his heals. They started going around the barn, and passed in front of the farm house.

The farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch when they saw the old rooster come tearing around the barn, closely followed by the young rooster. The farmer raised his shotgun and blasted the young rooster into a pile of feathers and guts.

The farmer looked at his wife and said, "Would you believe that was the third gay rooster I bought this week?"
 

Bat-mite

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My two favorite pastor jokes ...

I am going to make you look up some Bible verses for this one.

A pastor often did regular visitations to the members of his congregation. One Sunday afternoon, he went to a man's house. He noticed the lovely flowers that the man had planted along the walkway to the house.

As he approached, he saw a light on in a bedroom window. But as soon as he knocked on the door, the light went out, and the man never came to the door. After waiting a few minutes, he wrote "Revelation 3:20" on his business card, stuck it in the door, and left.

The next Sunday, one of the deacons came to the pastor and said, "We got the oddest thing in the offering plate. Someone put in one of your business cards with two scripture references on it."

The pastor looked at the card. Beneath his "Revelation 3:20," someone had written, "Genesis 3:10." The pastor laughed and laughed!


And #2:

A pastor went to visit an elderly congregant who had been under the weather. She was well enough to receive a visitor, so when he knocked on the door, she was pleased to have him in.

As they sat on the sofa and talked, he noticed that there was a bowl of peanuts on the table. Every once in awhile, he would grab a handful and eat them.

After some time had passed, he realized he had eaten all the peanuts! He was very embarrassed and said, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I've eaten your entire bowl of peanuts! I seem to have a thing for peanuts -- once I start eating them, I just can't stop."

She smiled kindly and said, "I know just what you mean! I'm the same way about chocolate. In fact, I just finished licking the chocolate off of those peanuts right before you knocked!"
 

Bat-mite

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A certain farm was getting attention because they had a pig with a wooden leg. So the local newspaper sent a reporter to get the story.

The reporter asked the farmer, "How did the pig lose his leg?"

The farmer said, "Well, you know, that's a good pig! One day when I was out riding the plow, my three-year-old boy got away from the house and started toddling through the field. I didn't see him, but the pig did. Right before I could run over him, the pig rushed at the boy and pushed out of the way of the plow!"

Reporter: Ah, so that's how he lost his leg.

Farmer: No, I'm just telling you he's a good pig! Another time, a chicken kicked over a lamp in the barn and caught the hay on fire. Would you believe that pig ran into the burning barn and got all my animals out safely?

Reporter: Then, I assume that's how he lost his leg?

Farmer: No, it's just important you understand that he's a good pig! Why I remember the time I was pitchin' hay, and I didn't know my daughter was playing around in the haystack. I would have pitched her through if that pig hadn't thrown himself between me and my girl!

Reporter: Is that how he lost his leg?

Farmer: No, I'm just telling you he's a good pig.

Reporter: Okay, enough with the stories. I get that he's a good pig. Now will you please tell me how he lost his leg?

Farmer: Well, it should be obvious. When a pig is that good, you can't eat him all at once.
 

prfesser

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Traffic in Washington DC is deadlocked, nothing moving. Jim is walking down between the cars, answering questions. Bob rolls down his window and asks what's going on.

"Terrorists have taken the capitol building. They're demanding $100 million within twelve hours, or they'll douse the building with gasoline and burn everyone in it to death. So I'm taking donations and pledges."

Bob says "Okay, what's the average donation right now?"

"Oh, around two gallons."
 

Bat-mite

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Traffic in Washington DC is deadlocked, nothing moving. Jim is walking down between the cars, answering questions. Bob rolls down his window and asks what's going on.

"Terrorists have taken the capitol building. They're demanding $100 million within twelve hours, or they'll douse the building with gasoline and burn everyone in it to death. So I'm taking donations and pledges."

Bob says "Okay, what's the average donation right now?"

"Oh, around two gallons."
You might like this one ...

A mugger pointed a gun at a guy's head and said, "Give me all your money or I'll blow your brains out!"

The victim replied, "Go ahead and shoot, because you can live without brains in this world, but you can't live without money."
 

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