(best told in a group, and acted out)
a Brit, a Scotsman & a Canadian were captured by a tribe of cannibals..
"Captors.." the chief started, "you have fought well, and you honor your country. But your death will not be in vain. After a quick death you will be consumed so that your soul can live on thru us, and your skins will be used to build some magnificent canoes... I request you make some last words.."
Pointing to the Brit: Do you have anything to ask, to say?" the chief asks..
"May I have a knife?!
a knife is produced
"For king & Country!!" and the brit cuts his own throat
"And to you" as he points to the Canadian
"May I too have a knife?"
and a knife is produced
"For Queen & Country!!" and the Canadian cuts his own throat
"And to you" as he points to the Scotsman
"May I ask for a fork?"
and a fork is produced (and the tribe looks on, puzzled)
The Scotsman then proceeds to stab himself repeatedly & randomly with the fork while shouting "Screw your canoe!!"
So many good ones like that!
A Frog, a Brit, an American and a Mexican on a plane. Plane loses an engine, so they have to lighten up. They chuck out all the luggage, but the plane is still too heavy. So they pull up and chuck out all the seats, but the plane is still too heavy.
The Frenchman shouts out, "Vive la France!" and jumps out. But the plane is still too heavy.
The Englishman, not to be outdone, shouts, "God save the queen!" and jumps out, but the plane is still about 150 pounds too heavy.
The American shouts "Remember the Alamo!" ...
... and throws out the Mexican.
------
From the 70s...
A priest, a boyscout, President Nixon and Henry Kissinger are on a plane that's going down. They only have three parachutes, so one of them must go down with the plane.
Tricky Dick shouts, "I'm the President of the United States! I must be preserved!" They all agree, so Nixon takes a parachute and jumps out.
Kissinger shouts, "I am the smartest man in the world! I must be saved!" And without waiting for the other two to weigh in, he grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The priest, an older man, looks at the boy and says, "Son, I've lived a long and fulfilling life. I'm ready to meet my Maker. You still have your whole life in front of you. I want you to take the last parachute."
"It's okay, Father," the boyscout says. "We can both have a parachute."
Befuddled, the priest asks, "I don't understand, son. What do you mean?"
The scout says, "The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
