EARTH LANDING TOTALLY FAKED, CLAIM MARTIAN CONSPIRACY THEORISTS
Scientists on Mars faced fresh allegations last night that video footage of the famous 1985 Earth landing in which astronauts from the red planet landed their flying saucer next to a service station in the US desert, stuck a probe up the rectum of the petrol pump attendant for important scientific reasons and flew off again was, in fact, filmed entirely in a studio somewhere near Canal 67.
Dude, the detail is all wrong, said a sceptic not wishing to be named. Just look at the Coke tin on the ground next to the diesel pump in the third shot. If you zoom in twenty times the can clearly says New Coke. We didnt start shipping that **** to the apemen until April 1985, but the landing took place in March. Explain that if you can.
Xeil Blarmstronx, the first Martian to step monopod on the Earth, refused to comment having remained famously tight-lipped about the mission since uttering the immortal words Thats one small slime trail for a Martian, one giant slime trail for Martiankind on finally slithering off the landing ramp.
Landing-deniers are questioning the veracity of the rectal probe experiment as well. See that *ss? said the spokesman, using his tongue to press pause on the DVD remote control. From a distance it looks pretty human, dont it? But get close up, and what s that poking out of the middle of the crack in the dungarees? Yep, a pair of antennae. I reckon thats just one of our spaceforce sergeants in a humanoid flesh suit.
Zubb Ralxin, the second Martian after Blarmstonx to feel and taste the air of an alien planet, was quick to dismiss the rumours of fakery. The Coke can just had a bit of sand on it, not the word New, he said. And as for the extraordinary shape and size of the human backside well, all I can say is I was there. I saw it with my own knees.
Scientists acknowledge that the only way to quash doubts about their ability to make it to Earth and back is to return home from the next voyage with a live specimen from the green and blue world. But we wouldnt want to inconvenience a human, said a Martian cosmonaut. So well make sure whoever we pick up has no family or work commitments, and for that reason our latest spacecraft have special scanners to detect middle-aged males leaving bars near trailer parks late at night. And, apart from experiencing the odd flashback of their time with us, they wont remember a thing.
