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kuririn

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What do you call a really small woman? Dot.
What do you call a woman wearing denim? Jean
What do you call a woman who can fly? Rose.
What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
 

kuririn

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A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 dollars"

"2 dollars!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and fries" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 dollars"

"Goodness me!" said the man. "How can you charge so little?" ... "Are you the owner?"

"Nope, but I'm a friend of the owner" replied the barkeep.

"Well where's the owner?" asked the man

"Oh, he's upstairs with my wife!" replied the barkeep

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asked the man

"The same thing I'm doing to his business" replied the barkeep.
 
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kuririn

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A man walks into a bar.
He is short, with thick glasses, a calculator in his pocket and carrying a notepad.
At the end of the bar there is a jar filled to the top with hundred dollar bills, and a second jar filled with lemons.
The man says "what are the two jars there for?"
The bartender says "We have a contest. Put a hundred dollars in the first jar and pick a lemon. I'll cut it open and squeeze all the juice out. Then if you can squeeze out even a single drop of juice out of the spent lemon you win the jar of money.
The guy puts a hundred dollar bill in the jar, picks out a lemon and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender is a big, burly guy. He cuts the lemon open and mightily squeezes all the juice out of both halves. He then hands them over to the guy.
The guy starts tapping on his calculator and writing stuff in his notepad. After several minutes he starts squeezing the lemon and gets not one, but seven drops of juice out.
The bartender says "Gee, nobody's ever beat me before. What do you do for a living?"
The guy says "IRS auditor".
 

NateB

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 

kuririn

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I just made this up after seeing the above post.
What do you call a cross dresser who perches on a wooden ledge?
A shelf queen.

What do you call a cross dresser who changes his sexual preference every 24 hours?
Queen for a day.

What does a tailor do for a cross dresser?
Fit for a Queen.
 
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prfesser

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These are "If it ain't true, it oughta be" things, from flight attendants (first one from Southwest) during the KYAG lecture:

"We have investigated thoroughly and have found that Gucci, Chanel, and Prada handbags will in fact fit under the seat in front of you. And if yours was real you wouldn't be flying Southwest anyway."

"Place the cup over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. If you are traveling with a child, affix your mask first, before helping your child. If you are traveling with two or more children, decide who you like the most."

(**KYAG: Kiss your @ss goodbye...)
 

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster
He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller: "Is he any good for mating?"
"Oh, no problem there, he taken on every single chicken I had. He even tries to take on ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"
"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"
"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."
 

ewomack

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Mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender shouts "hey! we don't serve your kind here'" The mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy."
 

kuririn

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Mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender shouts "hey! we don't serve your kind here'" The mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy."
Yes he exudes spore-adic humor.
 

jqavins

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I take every punny reply to someone else's post as a challenge. This is a tough one. There's just not mush room to work in.
 

kuririn

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I toyed with the idea of a retort to Joe's post, but I didn't want to bisque it.
 

boomtube-mk2

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Mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender shouts "hey! we don't serve your kind here'" The mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy."
The mushroom had no place to sit as the bar only had toadstools.
 

kuririn

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Cremini! This is the last straw! Don't you guys have any standards? Guess I'll just have to button up.
🤣
 

boatgeek

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Cremini! This is the last straw! Don't you guys have any standards? Guess I'll just have to button up.
🤣
Look who's rolling in like a destroying angel... You definitely have the magic touch!
 

Funkworks

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I've been stalking these puns and trying to flesh something up but I can't shiitake it anymore. This is the moss I can do.
 

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Bob and Carl were watching an old John Wayne movie. Carl was not too bright, and Bob thought he might just use that to his advantage.

He said to Carl, "You know what? I think I know how this movie will end. I'll bet you a hundred dollars that the bad guy will take off on his horse and head for the mountains, but John Wayne will draw his six-gun, take aim, and shoot the robber right off his horse from a half-mile away."

Carl said, "No way! You're on," and made the bet.

Sure enough, at the end of the movie, the robber headed for the hills, but John Wayne drew his revolver and plugged the guy off his horse a half-mile away.

Carl shrugged and said, "Wow, you got me that time," and forked over the $100.

After Carl went home, Bob started feeling very guilty. He called Carl on the phone, and said, "Carl. That bet wasn't fair. I've seen that movie before, and I already knew how it was going to end. I'll give you back your money."

Carl said, "No, keep it. I've already seen that movie, too."

"Then why did you take the bet?"

"Because I figured even John Wayne couldn't make that shot twice!"
 

Igotnothing

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These are "If it ain't true, it oughta be" things, from flight attendants (first one from Southwest) during the KYAG lecture:

"We have investigated thoroughly and have found that Gucci, Chanel, and Prada handbags will in fact fit under the seat in front of you. And if yours was real you wouldn't be flying Southwest anyway."

"Place the cup over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. If you are traveling with a child, affix your mask first, before helping your child. If you are traveling with two or more children, decide who you like the most."

(**KYAG: Kiss your @ss goodbye...)
You have a 95% chance of surviving an airplane crash. Not as good as COVID, but it does suggest that you shouldn't off yourself if your plane is going down.
 

kuririn

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A snake slithers into a bar.
He orders a drink.
Bartender says "We don't serve your kind".
"Why not?" says the snake.
Bartender replies "Because you can't hold your liquor!". 🎃
 
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kuririn

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A ghost walks into a bar.
He says "Bartender, give me a Blue Lime Ghost!"*
Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here".

* Lime vodka. blue curacao and Sprite.
🎃
 

prfesser

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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one...but the bulb has to want to change.
 

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally beautiful, extremely sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered his proposition for a moment and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
 

boomtube-mk2

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Due to a clerical error a civil engineer is sent to Hell.
Not liking the conditions the engineer sets about to improve things.
Next thing you know Hell has air-conditioning, ice water and indoor plumbing, that's not a red-hot rock with flames coming out of the hole.
Heaven, noting the improvements, sends the Archangel Gabriel down to see what's what.
Discovering the engineer and realizing the error he confronts Lucifer demanding the release of the engineer's soul.
Lucifer politely declines at which point Gabriel tells the Prince of lies that if the engineer isn't immediately released into his custody that Heaven would bring a lawsuit against the denizens of Hell.
Lucifer bursts out laughing and says to Gabriel; "And where are you going to get a lawyer?".
 
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