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jqavins

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied.

So I bought her a pet mosquito.
Hmm, new product name? Nah, probably a bad idea.
 

ep29030

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There are 10 types of people in this world:
Those that know binary.
And those that don't.




There are two types of people in this world:
Those who can draw conclusions from incomplete data.
There are three groups of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.
 

boatgeek

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Why did the engineers cross the road?

They looked in the file and that's what they did last year.


Engineer 1: Where'd you get this awesome motorcycle?
Engineer 2: It was the weirdest thing. This gorgeous woman rode up on the bike, took of all of her clothes, and said, "Take what you want!"
Engineer 1: Solid choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.
 

jqavins

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I was out for a walk in a field, and a man in a low flying balloon came overhead. The man called out and asked where he was. "You're in the basket under a balloon," I said, "about 15 feet above the ground."

"You must be an engineer" the man said.

"Why yes, I am" I answered. "How did you know?"

"You've given me an answer that is precise and accurate and yet completely useless. I turned to you for help, and yet here I am no better off than befofe."

"That's true, I confess. You must be a manager."

"I am," said the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," I said, "you're up in the air, you don't know where you are or where you're going. You're in exactly the same pace you were a moment ago, only now somehow it's supposed to be my fault."
 

kuririn

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A mosquito bit a computer.
Now it's suffering from malware-ia.
 

kuririn

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How can you make sure you always remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once.
 

Funkworks

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I mostly missed Norm MacDonald when he was a rising star, so I've been binging his videos lately. Here's one I like:
 

boomtube-mk2

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It's a cold rainy day and a motorcyclist is riding down a street in a California coastal town when he spots a homeless man huddled in a store's alcove.
Pulling over the cyclist offers the man his coat then gives him a ride to a nearby homeless shelter and then gives him his last $20.

Later that day the motorcyclist is watching the sunset on a Hwy 1 scenic overlook when an Angel descends from the heavens and says; "I am an Angel of the Lord. What you did for that homeless man was an act of perfect selflessness and for that deed the Lord God has sent me to deliver unto you a single wish which in His infinite power he will deliver unto you"

Thinking a moment the motorcyclist responds; "I would like a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii so that I and all my friends can drive there when we wish".
The Angel looks to Heaven and after a moment turns to the cyclist and answers; "Such a bridge would be a vast undertaking. It would deplete the Earth of many resources. It would change course of the tides and currents of the ocean and disrupt the life cycle of many of the ocean's inhabitants." "Think deeper and less selfishly for your wish" the Angel says.

This time the motorcyclist takes his time and after a lengthy wait turns to the Angel and says; "I want men to be able to understand women".
Once again the Angel looks to the Heavens, he nods his head once, twice, then a third time at which point he looks askance at the biker and asks" Do you want two lanes on the bridge or will one be enough?"
 
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Bat-mite

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Did you hear they are going to start using lawyers instead of rats in lab experiments? There are three reasons:
  1. There are more of them.
  2. It prevents the lab techs from getting attached to the rats in their care.
  3. There are just some things a rat won't do.
 

kuririn

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Entering the restroom: American
Exiting the restroom: American
In the restroom: European.
 

kuririn

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A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
He says, "Bartender, give me a shot of whiskey".
Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
:rolleyes:
 

SecondRow

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Two jokes about my profession:

Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first one’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second one’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they hit their target.

If an insurance company was like driving a car: the CEO is in the driver's seat with his hands on the wheel; the President of Sales has his foot on the gas, the head of Underwriting has his foot on the brake, and the chief actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
 

prfesser

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Did you hear they are going to start using lawyers instead of rats in lab experiments? There are three reasons:
  1. There are more of them.
  2. It prevents the lab techs from getting attached to the rats in their care.
  3. There are just some things a rat won't do.
The problem, though, is extrapolating the results to human beings...
 

prfesser

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Professor: Someone who talks in other people's sleep.
 

Rob Campbell

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What do you call a boy with no arms and legs on your front porch? - Matt

What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in your mail box? - Bill
Do
What do you call a boy with no arms and legs hanging on your wall? - Art

What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in your garden? - Herb

What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other? - Eileen
 

kuririn

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What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in your bathroom? - John
What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in your car trunk? - Jack
What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in your pan........
Never mind.
 

Rob Campbell

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What do you call an Asian girl with one leg longer than the other? - Irene!
 
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