Jokes

The Rocketry Forum

Help Support The Rocketry Forum:

John Kemker

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Aug 25, 2019
Messages
1,974
Reaction score
869
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the mailman."

"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly blob I see every morning outside your house?"

"That's right," says the first guy.

"Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to have sex with that?"
 

jqavins

Helpful Smartass
TRF Supporter
Joined
Sep 29, 2011
Messages
5,891
Reaction score
2,959
Location
Howard, NY
Not sure what algae has to do with light bulbs, but it’s all good,
Algae have an inferiority complex, because they feel that they deserve more attention than they get relative to other plants. They have, therefore, developed the ability to cause people to commit typos that gain them attention. Dr. Wogz fell victim, and our subsequent discussion proves the efficacy of their strategy.

if a man says something in the woods and nobody hears him, is he still wrong?
I've heard that one. IMHO, it works better as "if there's no woman there to hear..." More of the men in the room might get it that way.
 

BABAR

Builds Rockets for NASA
TRF Lifetime Supporter
TRF Supporter
Joined
Aug 27, 2011
Messages
8,888
Reaction score
3,578
So this guy who works at an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who is looking very worried.

And she says to him "I've just been by the Dolphin Tanks, and they're feeling very amourous... They're doing all sorts of things to each other. And the trouble is; in less than an hour we've got three busloads of second graders coming. We can't have them watching those naughty dolphins behaving as if they're in a porno flick.

Now there's only one thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins, and it's the meat of baby seagulls.

So I want you to go down to the Sea Shore, grab some baby seagulls, put them in this bag, and hurry on back.

But be carefull... A lion escaped from the zoo this morning, and although he was heavily sedated, he still just might be dangerous.

Now get going, and hurry on back!"

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the sea shore, fills the bag with baby sea gulls, and he's walking back through the forest when he sees the lion! And it is lying across the path directly in front of him.

It's too late to run away. And the feline does seem very placid.

So, summoning up all his courage, he steps across the lion!

Nothing happens.

And so with much relief the guy begins to resume his journey when all of a sudden a Policeman jumps out of the forest, grabs the guy by the arm, and says to him "YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!!"

The guy can't believe it.

He says, "Tell me officer, What's the charge?"

And the Policeman says...

Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises!
 

kuririn

BARGeezer
TRF Lifetime Supporter
TRF Supporter
Joined
Oct 3, 2016
Messages
6,615
Reaction score
4,729
Location
Hawaii
What's the difference between a pygmy hunting party and a .........
Never mind.
 

kuririn

BARGeezer
TRF Lifetime Supporter
TRF Supporter
Joined
Oct 3, 2016
Messages
6,615
Reaction score
4,729
Location
Hawaii
This is from a G rated jokes webpage on a faith based website.
Cuz most of the jokes I know are not G rated. 😁

A man asked his wife what she would like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she said.

So he pulled out all the stops to make her dream come true. He whisked her off to Disneyland, made her go on all the scariest roller coasters, and force-fed her cotton candy and ice cream.

Then he took her to McDonald's for a special kids' meal before rounding the day off with a trip to the cinema to see a two-hour cartoon carnival.

That night she slumped into bed, feeling exhausted and queasy.

"So what was it like being eight again?" asked the husband.

"Actually," she said, "I meant my dress size?"
 

jqavins

Helpful Smartass
TRF Supporter
Joined
Sep 29, 2011
Messages
5,891
Reaction score
2,959
Location
Howard, NY
There are 10 types of people in this world:
Those that know binary.
And those that don't.
I once had a coworker who put that on his whiteboard, but did it wrong. I picked up a red marker and corrected it. He decided to leave it that way, being funnier that way.
There are 11 10 types of people in this world:​
Those that understand binary, and those that don't.​
(He does understand binary, but was writing carelessly.)

A man asked his wife what she would like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she said.
That's no G rated! Oh, wait, it is. Never mind.
 
Last edited:

Greg Furtman

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Nov 10, 2018
Messages
1,680
Reaction score
987
Location
Webster, Wisconsin
The Word

There was young man who wanted to do something positive with his life, making life better for others and something spiritual. So he looked around and decided to join a nearby Monastery as a Brother.

Most Monasteries have a specific role, vision. This particular Monastery copied by hand the old sacred texts with all the fancy calligraphy and illumination. The new Monk became very good at this in a short period and soon he was one of the best.

One day he noticed that he was making a copy of a copy. He started to wonder if the previous Monk who had made this copy did it accurately. This bothered him and after a while he went to the old Abbott.

“Abbott, I noticed some time ago that sometimes we are copying older copies. What if the copier made a mistake? I would just be repeating it.”

“My Son, this has not occurred to me. But we have the originals down in the catacombs and I will look at them.”

So the old Abbott headed down into the catacombs. Many hours passed and the young Monk began to worry about the old Abbott. So he went down into the catacombs.

He searched room by room until he finally found the Abbott. The Abbott was sitting in the floor with his back against the wall and with blood running down his head. On the wall there was a bloodmark where the Abbott had been hitting his head.

“Abbott, what is wrong? Are you OK?”

With tears streaming down his cheeks, the Abbott said “ The Word is CELEBRATE!
 

kuririn

BARGeezer
TRF Lifetime Supporter
TRF Supporter
Joined
Oct 3, 2016
Messages
6,615
Reaction score
4,729
Location
Hawaii

Cape Byron

The BAR formerly known as Skippy-2
TRF Supporter
Joined
Aug 4, 2019
Messages
1,894
Reaction score
2,056
Location
Northern Rivers, Australia
An article today in the New York Times details how moray eels can climb a ramp out of the water to eat pieces of squid in lab tests.
Ha! When we were kids we used to sing: "When you swim by the sand and an eel bites your hand, that's a Moray..."
 

kuririn

BARGeezer
TRF Lifetime Supporter
TRF Supporter
Joined
Oct 3, 2016
Messages
6,615
Reaction score
4,729
Location
Hawaii
If you spearfish at night
And you get a big fright
That's a moray.

Check out around the 10:17 mark.
Also a cooking segment at the end.
 

jqavins

Helpful Smartass
TRF Supporter
Joined
Sep 29, 2011
Messages
5,891
Reaction score
2,959
Location
Howard, NY
When you break the girl's heart 'cause you're false from the start,
You're an a--hole.
(You're an a--hole)

When park 'cross the line 'cause you're car is so fine,
You're an a--hole.
(You're an a--hole)

Jerks abound, everywhere they're found, all the world around
And they'll cry "Mama mia!"
Pardon me, but you see, back in old New Jersey*
You're and A--hole!

* Because it rhymes
 
Last edited:

KennB

I-95 Envoy
TRF Supporter
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
2,492
Reaction score
290
Location
Amesbury, MA
Doctors say hay fever can be positive or negative. Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose. - Anonymous


A toothless termite walks into a tavern and asks, "Where's the bar tender?".
 

kuririn

BARGeezer
TRF Lifetime Supporter
TRF Supporter
Joined
Oct 3, 2016
Messages
6,615
Reaction score
4,729
Location
Hawaii
A young man and a girl are out on their first date. He decides it should be fun and casual, so he takes her to a carnival. They are walking past the long line of attractions and he asks her " What would you like to do first?"
She says "I want to get weighed".
So they go to the weight machine booth and she gets a card with her weight and a fortune.
After walking around a few more minutes he asks her again "What would you like to do next?"
She replies " I WANT TO GET WEIGHED!" ( A little more forcefully this time).
The guy thinks that's a little strange that she wants to be weighed again but he complies and she gets another card with her weight and a fortune.
After walking around a few more minutes he again asks her what she wants to do. And again she says
I want to get weighed!
(much more forcefully this time).
Well, needless to say the guy is thinking that he's with a wacko now. He makes up an excuse and calls it an early evening and takes her home.
The girl walks through the front door and her mom is in the parlor.
The mom says "Hi honey, you're home early. How was your date?"
To which she replies " Oh, not that great mom. In fact it was pretty wousy".
😁


This is what she meant:

1624469800325.png

;)
 

vcp

Well-Known Member
TRF Supporter
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Messages
1,241
Reaction score
299
Location
Meridian, ID
Oh, boy.

Now I have to explain the absolute Greatest Moment in Wacked Out Real Science.


Couple years ago, some people I worked with finally completed a long-delayed
project to build a very large vacuum chamber for testing plasma thrusters and
other advanced spacecraft propulsion systems. Not the biggest in the business,
but maybe top ten nationwide. Big enough to walk around inside, at any rate,
which is the important point.

Important, because in order to go operational it needed the approval of the
local Safety Nazis. You know the type. They have a checklist, nay, a whole
handbook of checklists, one of which involves Confined Spaces. Big enough
to walk around in? Check. Airtight? Check. Can be filled with asphyxiant
gas? Well, the MSDS for "Vacuum" apparently lists it as an "asphyxiant", so
check. It's a Confined Space, and so the Confined Space checklist must be
implemented.

Issue the first: How do they make certain nobody can accidentally walk in while
the chamber is full of that deadly asphyxiant, "vacuum"? No, the fifty *tons*
of force holding the door closed, is not an acceptable answer.

Issue the second: When the chamber is vented back to full atmospheric pressure,
where does the vacuum go? If the chamber were accidentally vented by opening
the door (see above, and note exact Safety Nazi quote, "OK, say if you were
Superman and you opened the door"), where would the vacuum go?

Issue the third: What assurance is there, that when the chamber is vented back
to full atmosphere, there is an adequate percentage of oxygen in the chamber?
Hint: It is a big, big, big mistake here to acknowledge here that the laws of
statistical gas dynamics allow for one chance in 10^10^17 (no typo) that the
chamber will spontaneously refill with a sufficiently oxygen-poor atmosphere
to preclude respiration.

Issue the forth, and so help me God I am not making this up, again an exact
Safety Nazi quote, "How can you be sure there won't be vacuum pockets left
in the chamber, that someone could accidentally stick their head into?"

And, coupled with issue #2, there could be deadly vacuum pockets floating
around the lab! Aieeee!!!! Run for your lives!

It only took three weeks to find someone with the common sense and the real
authority to overrule the Safety Nazis on this one, and the SNs still take
offense if anyone brings it up in their presence.


Vacuum pockets.
 

Antares JS

Professional Amateur
Joined
Mar 5, 2020
Messages
1,215
Reaction score
1,456
Location
Eastern Shore, VA
Oh, boy.

Now I have to explain the absolute Greatest Moment in Wacked Out Real Science.


Couple years ago, some people I worked with finally completed a long-delayed
project to build a very large vacuum chamber for testing plasma thrusters and
other advanced spacecraft propulsion systems. Not the biggest in the business,
but maybe top ten nationwide. Big enough to walk around inside, at any rate,
which is the important point.

Important, because in order to go operational it needed the approval of the
local Safety Nazis. You know the type. They have a checklist, nay, a whole
handbook of checklists, one of which involves Confined Spaces. Big enough
to walk around in? Check. Airtight? Check. Can be filled with asphyxiant
gas? Well, the MSDS for "Vacuum" apparently lists it as an "asphyxiant", so
check. It's a Confined Space, and so the Confined Space checklist must be
implemented.

Issue the first: How do they make certain nobody can accidentally walk in while
the chamber is full of that deadly asphyxiant, "vacuum"? No, the fifty *tons*
of force holding the door closed, is not an acceptable answer.

Issue the second: When the chamber is vented back to full atmospheric pressure,
where does the vacuum go? If the chamber were accidentally vented by opening
the door (see above, and note exact Safety Nazi quote, "OK, say if you were
Superman and you opened the door"), where would the vacuum go?

Issue the third: What assurance is there, that when the chamber is vented back
to full atmosphere, there is an adequate percentage of oxygen in the chamber?
Hint: It is a big, big, big mistake here to acknowledge here that the laws of
statistical gas dynamics allow for one chance in 10^10^17 (no typo) that the
chamber will spontaneously refill with a sufficiently oxygen-poor atmosphere
to preclude respiration.

Issue the forth, and so help me God I am not making this up, again an exact
Safety Nazi quote, "How can you be sure there won't be vacuum pockets left
in the chamber, that someone could accidentally stick their head into?"

And, coupled with issue #2, there could be deadly vacuum pockets floating
around the lab! Aieeee!!!! Run for your lives!

It only took three weeks to find someone with the common sense and the real
authority to overrule the Safety Nazis on this one, and the SNs still take
offense if anyone brings it up in their presence.


Vacuum pockets.
None of the six reaction icons really capture my dismay at reading this story. Did this person understand that vacuum is simply the absence of any air? I've dealt with plenty of safety guys in my line of work who sometimes made things inconvenient, but never had an experience where I thought the guy was a complete idiot.
 
Top