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kuririn

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Two stoners are flying a plane.
Suddenly the engine cuts out and they look for an airfield for an emergency landing.
Luckily, they see one and come in for an abrupt, sudden landing.
SCREEEEECH!
One stoner looks at the other and says "Hey, this is a really short airstrip yeah?"
The other stoner says "Yeah, and so W_I_I_I_I_D_E!
 

jqavins

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ow many phycologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 1, but eh light bulb must want to change..


How many [insert your city / state] people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 1, to call [insert your local power supplier]


How many [insert your local idiots/ nitwits / slow persons] people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 4, One to hold the bulb, and 3 to rotate the house.
Three for the musicians: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb.
Of course it's only one! She hold the bulb and the world revolves around her.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One screws in the bulb in while the other sings about "The Great Burnout".
---------------------
Seen on a bumper sticker: "I walked the entire width of the Appalachian Trail."
 
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OverTheTop

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There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate a green apple and died.
The juice it fermented
Inside the demented
And made cider inside her insides.
 

dr wogz

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1st grade teacher: "I want Silence!!"
Little Susan in the 3rd row: "I didn't know we had to bring some.. I don't remember it being on the list of supplies.."
 

jqavins

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I had one teacher who would loudly insist "There is quite in this room!" I thought "What are you, deaf?"
 

John Kemker

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Definition of a gentleman: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
 

jqavins

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Physical fitness: why would I want a "six pack" when I already have a keg?

Sports: I've tried and tried to bowl a 200. But I've figured out how to get a 200; I'm switching to golf!
 

kuririn

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The Lone Ranger gets bitten by a rattlesnake on his......
Ummm....
Why is the Starship Enterprise like a roll of .....
Errr.....
NEVER MIND!
 

jqavins

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And speaking of golf...

The rabbi goes to play a round of golf on Saturday. One of the angels sees him and tells God. "It's the sabbath, the holy day of rest, and this man, your servant, who sets the example for others, this rabbi plays golf! You should punish him."

At the next hole, just as the rabbi is swinging his driver, God points down. The ball takes a perfect arc, directly toward the green. It lands exactly in the cup, with no bouncing or rolling needed. The perfect hole in one.

The angel is perplexed. "Your servant breaks the sabbath, and this is his punishment? You give him a hole in one?"

And God answers the angel: "Who can he tell?"
 

dr wogz

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A woman dove me to drink....

And I never got the chance to thank her!





It only takes me 1 drink to get drunk..

But I never remember if its the 13th or the 14th...
 

TSMILLER

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An average looking man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him the woman asks the man, “How would you like to get out of here?” and the man is stunned.
He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.
They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city.
Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of passionately making love they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly.
The woman speaks up and says “I’m a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service.”
The man is stunned and saddened that she didn’t really like him.
He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly.
The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies “I’m a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back.”
 

Funkworks

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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.




The first one-liner I ever heard. I’m still amazed at how the “punch line” is a single word at the end of the intro.
 

NateB

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I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a store in Peterborough. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.

Monday evening I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO."

I asked to talk to a manager now as really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !

I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Scratch ticket from there again.
 

K'Tesh

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The OP mentioned pictures of jokes...

1624142241198.png
 

kuririn

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There was a schtick on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno a decade or two ago where viewers would send in funny advertisements from their local newspapers. An ad for a Korean restaurant said "Buy two plates, get a free man doo. (Man doo is a Korean potsticker or dumpling).
Leno said "I don't know what man doo is, but I sure don't want to eat one!"
Era before PC I guess.
 

Five

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I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a store in Peterborough. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.

Monday evening I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO."

I asked to talk to a manager now as really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR !

I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Scratch ticket from there again.
Out of all the jokes so far…
The best joke go to nateB
 

BABAR

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ow many phycologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 1, but eh light bulb must want to change..
I googled and got this

phycologist is a biological scientist specializing in the study of algae and phytoplankton, this is a sub-discipline of botany.


Not sure what algae has to do with light bulbs, but it’s all good,
 

John Kemker

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I googled and got this

phycologist is a biological scientist specializing in the study of algae and phytoplankton, this is a sub-discipline of botany.


Not sure what algae has to do with light bulbs, but it’s all good,
Some algae are known to glow in the dark?
 

BABAR

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You will have to trust me, it’s worth reading the first letter to get to the second.

The Letters
STATE OF MICHIGAN
December 17, 1997
CERTIFIED
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files show that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
616-356-0269
1/6/98
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Bldg., 6th Floor
350 Ottawa, N.W.
Grand Rapids, MI 49503-2341
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan — I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials “debris”. I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
My first concern is — aren’t the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition — contact the dam beavers — but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter — being unable to read English) — be sure you read them their dam Miranda first.
As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers — be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State — I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy — or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
cc: PETA
 

Funkworks

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I googled and got this

phycologist is a biological scientist specializing in the study of algae and phytoplankton, this is a sub-discipline of botany.


Not sure what algae has to do with light bulbs, but it’s all good,
My guess is a typo and autocorrect changed what was meant to be "psychologist" into "phycologist". The joke works with "psychologist" (a play on "change").

No one knows what a phycologist is except ... phycologists I suppose.
 

BABAR

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I told this joke at at evening group meeting with men and women present. The joke was not as funny as the response. True story

if a man says something in the woods and nobody hears him, is he still wrong?



every man in the room just looked at me with a “Whuh?”expression on their faces.

on the other hands, every single woman answered immediately and without the slightest hesitation, “Yes.” And each of the woman also looked at me with the expression, “Why would you even ask such a dumb question?”
 

mbeels

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What's a Grecian urn?

About 30 dollars a week.
 

BABAR

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70 year old man Goes to the doctor. Tells the doctor that after his second round of golf every day his knees are sore

Doctor says, “you’re still playing two rounds of golf a day at age 70. You must have good genes, how old was your father when he passed away?

Man response, “who said he’s dead? He turns 90 next month. He only plays one round of golf day. “

”Wow!” says the doctor, “90 years old and a round of golf a day! how long how old was your grandfather when he died?”

Patient replies, “Who said he’s dead?”

Doctor replies, “Your grandfather is still alive?“

paitent: “Yes he turns 108 next month….and he’s getting married.”

Doctor: “Why would a 108 year old man want to get married?”

Patient: “Who said he wanted to? “
 
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