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Alan15578

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I know someone (my wife, I think) knew knew someone (I don't remember who) who started inviting and making blonde jokes after she decided to go blonde herself. "I love this hair color, even though my IQ just went down 10 points."
Seasonal joke - A few years ago someone remarked how stupid turkeys are. I replied quietly, you know they are bred for big breasts, not big brains.

Please delete this post. I deny ever ever writing this in a public forum.
 

fyrwrxz

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Blonde gets tired of all the jokes, goes into town and has a total make over. She trades in her Pacer for a convertible Mercedes SL and feeling totally liberated goes for a country drive. She encounters a shepard moving his sheep over to the next pasture across the road. She stops and callouts out to him. "Hey! If I guess how many sheep, can I have one?" He replies "Sure, but it's gotta be exact!" She replies instantly "432". The shepard says she can take her pick. She chooses one and puts in the passenger seat. The shepard then says "Now it's my turn. If I can tell you one secret you have, you havevto give it back. Deal?" She nods and he proceeds. "You are really a blonde and that's just a dye job." Shocked, she again nods. The shepard then asked "So, can I have my dog back?"
 

fyrwrxz

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If you laid all the lawyers in Washington D. C. end to end, at least it would be a start.
 

Fishhead

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Years ago there was a p***ing match on RMR that involved a well known rocketeer and another guy who was an attorney. The attorney took exception to a joke that was told and actually threatened a lawsuit, so the other guy told every lawyer joke he knew over the course of the next few days. Great thread. I need to look it up again.
 

prfesser

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Just saw this one on Imgur.com.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. Einstein is "it" so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a square on the ground, one meter by one meter, and stands in the middle of it. Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes, sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it now!"

Newton smiles. "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

[I'll close the door behind me... 🤣]
 

TSMILLER

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Quite a long one for you.

THE TRIP TO HOME DEPOT

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off. Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillis swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The chillis from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The chillis fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible but then made me laugh,.....BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing, when you laugh, it's hard to keep things' clamped down'. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my Gosh', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning so bad, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound and disgustedly said, 'did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Creeps claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
 
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This is from Tom Dreesen decades ago. Probably the Tonight Show.
Probably not PC now.

I was an army brat, I grew up on base.
There were a lot of black kids in my neighborhood, and for some reason they thought I was Chinese.
They thought my name was Seifoo.
Because every time I walked out the front door and they saw me they would yell out "Sei......Foo!"
 

ContrailRockets

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So there’s this nurse that was pretty ditzy. She had a BMW that she’d had for a while, and decided that she really needed to update to something snazzier. So she buys a brand new jag.
She’s driving down the road, top down, all proud of how hot she felt and looked.
All of a sudden, the car conks out. She opens the hood, and realizes she has no clue what to do with this high tech engine. So, she calls for assistance
A while later this shiny yellow repair vehicle pulls up. The driver gets out and says… pretty sweet car… he asks her what’s wrong and she tells him what happened.
He says… no problem, I’ll have it fixed in no time. Ten minutes later he has the car running smoothly.
She asks him what was wrong with it.
He answered…. Just crap in the carburetor. She looks at him in horror and asks…”How many times a week do I have to do this ???”
 

cobra1336

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This is from Tom Dreesen decades ago. Probably the Tonight Show.
Probably not PC now.

I was an army brat, I grew up on base.
There were a lot of black kids in my neighborhood, and for some reason they thought I was Chinese.
They thought my name was Seifoo.
Because every time I walked out the front door and they saw me they would yell out "Sei......Foo!"
Tom Freedom played in our celebrity golf tournament with Joe Peshi and John Elway. He would tell jokes on the 18th green between groups. Funny guy.
 

Bat-mite

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Rodney Dangerfield, after five minutes of talking about his unfaithful wife:

"And my son ... even my son gives me no respect. He won't do a thing I tell him. I said, 'You know, you're gonna have kids of your own, someday,' and he said, 'So are you!' "
 

les

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Three people were our for a walk when they came upon some tracks.
The First one said "Look, Rabbit tracks"
The Second said "No, the tracks are too big - those are Deer tracks"
The Third said "Wrong. Still too small - they must be Bear tracks"
They were still arguing 5 minutes later when they got hit by the train
 
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Talking about three people out on a walk.

Three friends were walking along the beach when they came across an old dirty lamp half buried in the sand. One guy picks it up and starts to rub it off. Poof! a magic genie appears and says "You each have one wish I can grant". He turns to the first friend and says "What is your wish?"
The first guy says "I wish I was a successful billionaire with a Fortune 500 company and a luxurious penthouse in New York City".
Poof! He is instantaneously transported into a luxurious suite in New York, with an Armani suit and a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
The genie turns to the second guy and says "And what is your wish?"
The second friend says "Oh, I wish I was the most popular movie action star in the world making tons of money with a mansion in Beverly Hills and gorgeous women surrounding me."
Poof! He is instantaneously transported to LA and is living in a beautiful estate with a huge swimming pool and beautiful women hanging on his every word.
The genie turns to the third guy and says "And what do you want for the final wish?"
The guy thinks and says "You know what? I'm feeling kinda lonely now. I wish my two friends were back here with me."
 

Bat-mite

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Talking about three people out on a walk.

Three friends were walking along the beach when they came across an old dirty lamp half buried in the sand. One guy picks it up and starts to rub it off. Poof! a magic genie appears and says "You each have one wish I can grant". He turns to the first friend and says "What is your wish?"
The first guy says "I wish I was a successful billionaire with a Fortune 500 company and a luxurious penthouse in New York City".
Poof! He is instantaneously transported into a luxurious suite in New York, with an Armani suit and a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
The genie turns to the second guy and says "And what is your wish?"
The second friend says "Oh, I wish I was the most popular movie action star in the world making tons of money with a mansion in Beverly Hills and gorgeous women surrounding me."
Poof! He is instantaneously transported to LA and is living in a beautiful estate with a huge swimming pool and beautiful women hanging on his every word.
The genie turns to the third guy and says "And what do you want for the final wish?"
The guy thinks and says "You know what? I'm feeling kinda lonely now. I wish my two friends were back here with me."
Heard one similar, but with two guys. We'll call them Phil and Bob.

Phil wishes that every woman in the world would be attracted only to him. Then Bob wishes that Phil were gay.
 

Bat-mite

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A better genie one ...

Guy walks into a bar carrying a small box, which he places on the bar. Bartender asks him what's in it. The man opens the box, and there sits a one-foot tall man at a tiny grand piano. The little man starts playing a beautiful Beethoven sonata.

The bartender says, "Wow, where did you get that?"

The guy answers, "I found an old lamp at the dump, took it home, polished it, and out came a genie. He said I could have one wish, and this is what I got."

The bartender says, "Wow, can I try it?"

"Sure," says the guy. So the bartender rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and the bartender says, "I want a million bucks!"

Suddenly the bar is full of ducks! They are so thick that you can't see through them. The bartender shouts, "What's the matter with that genie? Is he hard of hearing? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

And the guy said, "I guess he must be. You don't really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, do you?"
 
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A better genie one ...

Guy walks into a bar carrying a small box, which he places on the bar. Bartender asks him what's in it. The man opens the box, and there sits a one-foot tall man at a tiny grand piano. The little man starts playing a beautiful Beethoven sonata.

The bartender says, "Wow, where did you get that?"

The guy answers, "I found an old lamp at the dump, took it home, polished it, and out came a genie. He said I could have one wish, and this is what I got."

The bartender says, "Wow, can I try it?"

"Sure," says the guy. So the bartender rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and the bartender says, "I want a million bucks!"

Suddenly the bar is full of ducks! They are so thick that you can't see through them. The bartender shouts, "What's the matter with that genie? Is he hard of hearing? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

And the guy said, "I guess he must be. You don't really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, do you?"
Ha! Beat you to it!
See post # 121.
 

Blast it Tom!

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Ha! Beat you to it!
See post # 121.
Then you probably heard the one where the woman whose husband had cheated on her and absconded with the marriage assets found the bottle. The genie said she could have 3 wishes, but whatever she wished for, her husband would get double, which fried her hide... for a second. Then she made her first two wishes, which left her independently wealthy, and her philandering hubby doubly so. For the third wish, she asked that the genie scare her half to death!
 

Cape Byron

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Well, the Covid scare has died down a bit and the pubs have reopened, so I went to the local to share a drink with the boys.

Two rather large women on Harleys rocked up, grabbed a drink and sat outside. I heard them talking so I thought, being a nice Aussie bloke, I'd go and chat with them.

"So I heard your accents. What part of Scotland are you two ladies from?"

One stood up and replied, "Wales, you idiot!".

So I said, "Sorry. What part of Scotland are you two whales from?"

That was on Monday, and I can almost open one eye now.
 
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Wife jokes:

Dreesen-

My wife and I were in a car fighting. We were driving past a farm on the way to meet my folks. I said "Look out the window at the goats, pigs and cows. Any of them remind you of your relatives?"
She says "Yeah, my in laws."

Dangerfield-

My wife and I both like to light up a cigarette after sex.
I'm been on the same pack since 1975.
You think that's bad, my wife is up to three packs a day.
 

Bat-mite

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A man was driving his wife down the highway, when she pointed out to him that he was speeding. "I can drive as fast as I want to on this road. It may be a 40 mph limit, but this car can easily handle 60!"

A little later a policeman pulled him over. He walked up to the window and asked, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

The man answered, "Well, no officer, I was just keeping up with traffic."

His wife said, "Now, that's not the truth! You just told me this car can handle 60 on this road."

He glared at her and said, "Would you keep your mouth shut for once?!"

The policeman then asked, "Do you know what the speed limit is on this road?"

The man answered, "Well, no, I guess I don't. Is it 60?"

The wife said, "Now, you just told me the speed limit is 40."

He screamed at his wife, "You shut your trap or I'm going to tape it shut!"

The police officer asked the woman, "Ma'am, is he always this abusive to you?"

"No," she said, "only when he's drunk."
 

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