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jqavins

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The funny pictures thread has picked up a lot of jokes (mostly "pictures" of just words) so I thought maybe there should be a more appropriate place or them.

Three old ladies snuck a bottle of scotch into a baseball game. In the bottom of the fifth, the bags were loaded.
 

jqavins

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An Englishman, a French woman, and a Nazi soldier are on a train during the war. The train goes into a dark tunnel, and three of them here a loud kiss followed by a louder slap.

The German thinks "That barbarous Englishman kissed the woman and she slapped me instead in the dark."

The woman thinks "Oh, that horrible German tried to kiss me but kissed the Englishman instead."

The Englishman thinks "This is great. I kiss the back of my hand and I get to slap a Nazi!"
 

mo2872

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Ever occurred to anyone that Hitler might not have been such a grumpy prick and invaded Poland if so many of his countrymen didn’t leave his high-fives hangin’ in mid air?

Speaking of Adolph, Hollywood are rumoured to be working on a storyline involving a time machine and a plan to prevent his parents from ever meeting… it’s going to be titled “Back To The Fuhrer”.
 

teepot

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There once was a man from Grants Pass [Or]
Whose ba!!s were made out of brass
When he rubbed them together
They played Stormy Weather
And sparks would shoot out of his a$$
 

KC3KNM

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There once was a man from Grants Pass [Or]
Whose ba!!s were made out of brass
When he rubbed them together
They played Stormy Weather
And sparks would shoot out of his a$$
He must really be rubbing them together to get some sparks out of brass... 😅
 

jqavins

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Assigned to write limericks for class,
I wished to avoid being crass.
"There once was a man"
I placed under a ban,
Along with that damn lad and lass.
 

jqavins

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Mon dieu du christ la tabernack un autres mauvais p'toon d'un anglophone mechant.
I was able to puzzle most of that out, but even Google Translate didn't get it all:
My god of christ the tabernack another bad p'toon of a wicked English speaker
"Tabernack" → "tabernackle" should have been easy enough. I guess "bad p'toon" corresponds roughly to SOB?
 

dr wogz

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I was able to puzzle most of that out, but even Google Translate didn't get it all:
"Tabernack" → "tabernackle" should have been easy enough. I guess "bad p'toon" corresponds roughly to SOB?
:D the joys of a foreign language... you can swear, and no one knows the difference! [or at least it doesn't sound 'offensive' when translated..] :D

Yeah, in French, a lot of the swear words are about the church.. When a Frenchman really gets going, it's like the Pope giving a sermon!

you got it pretty much right..



and to toss in the political aspect:
(it's quite unique to Quebec, and when you look at History, many places were once French: Louisiana, Maine, etc... Quebec is just trying to hold onto their culture & language.. And it's fitting, as some / many think this is long running joke that isn't funny..)

 

T.J.Bones

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There once was a man from Tiree
Whose rhymes would all end on line three.
He went out one day


Here tell of the man from Cardew
Whose rhymes would all end on line two.


Now tell of the man from Verdun
 

jqavins

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Sometimes, next to the sign that says "Exit", there's one that says "Entrance", and I can't stop staring at it.
 

jqavins

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Thank you, Antares JS. I'm not sure I would ever have got there.

Since we don't seem to be able to kick the limericks:
Iamb anapest anapest
Iamb anapest anapest
Iamb anapest
Iamb anapest
Iamb anapest anapest
 

MALBAR 70

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Two penguins are standing on an iceberg.
One of the penguins says to the other: It looks like you are wearing a tuxedo.
To which he replies: What makes you think I'm not?
 

jqavins

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An engineer and a mathematician are standing in the doorway of a room. Inside is a lovely nude woman beckoning them to her. They are told that each second they may halve the distance between themselves and the woman. "I can never reach her!" the mathematician cries. "I can get close enough" says the engineer.

(Meanwhile, elsewhere)

An engineer in placed in a room with a sink, a pot, and a stove, and asked to produce boiling water. He fills the pot at the sink, then places the pot on the stove, and turns the stove to high.

The mathematician is shown in, provided with a sink, a pot full of water, and a stove, and asked to provide boiling water. He takes the pot to the sink and dumps the water out, thereby reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.
 

MALBAR 70

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A guy has been stranded on a deserted island for twenty years.
One day, as he is sitting on the beach, a beautiful woman in a wet suit comes walking out of the water.
She asks him how long he has been on the island, and he replies "twenty years"
She says,as she unzips a pocket on the wet suit and removes a bottle of fine scotch, "So it's been twenty years since you've ha d a drink?"
He says, yes it has, and accepts the bottle from her with great happiness and takes a drink.
Unzipping another pocket, she asks "So it's been twenty years since you've had a smoke?"
He says, Yes it has, and accepts the pack of Camels and a lighter from her with immense gratitude, and lights one up.
Grasping the main zipper on the wet suit and slowly unzipping it, the woman asks, "So it's been twenty years since you've played around?"
To which the guy exclaims, "NO WAY!!! You have golf clubs in there TOO!!!!"
 

Antares JS

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Some mathematicians and physicists were taking a train to get to a convention. The physicists all had tickets and were making fun of the mathematicians, who only had one ticket for all of them. When the conductor came, the mathematicians all piled into a restroom, and when the conductor knocked on the door, they slid their ticket under the door and the conductor went on his way. The physicists felt stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the physicists had one ticket for all of them and were again making fun of the mathematicians, who had no ticket at all. When the conductor was on the way, the mathematicians piled into one restroom while the physicists piled into another. One mathematician walked out of their restroom, knocked on the door of the physicist's restroom, and said "ticket, please."

(Note: This was told to me by a math teacher. Substitute whatever you want for the mathematicians and physicists.)
 

dr wogz

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ow many phycologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 1, but eh light bulb must want to change..


How many [insert your city / state] people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 1, to call [insert your local power supplier]


How many [insert your local idiots/ nitwits / slow persons] people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only 4, One to hold the bulb, and 3 to rotate the house..
 

Sandy H.

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:D the joys of a foreign language... you can swear, and no one knows the difference! [or at least it doesn't sound 'offensive' when translated..] :D

Yeah, in French, a lot of the swear words are about the church.. When a Frenchman really gets going, it's like the Pope giving a sermon!

you got it pretty much right..



and to toss in the political aspect:
(it's quite unique to Quebec, and when you look at History, many places were once French: Louisiana, Maine, etc... Quebec is just trying to hold onto their culture & language.. And it's fitting, as some / many think this is long running joke that isn't funny..)

Long story still too long, but whatever, its the Internet. . .

A few co-workers went to install a machine in Quebec in the mid-2000's. The local contractors doing a lot of the work would obviously speak Quebec-French to each other most often and since our guys only spoke English, often they had no idea what they guys were talking about. Everybody got along and when speaking to our guys, the lead contractor would speak English as would the other guys when talking to our guys, but when discussing how to pour the concrete, which bolt to torque first etc., it was all in their local language, obviously.

Having said that, both verbal and non-verbal communication occurs regardless of the language spoken. Our guys picked up on the fact that 'tabernack' (sounded like 'tab-nak' to our guys) often happened during aggressive conversations, often with pointing, occasional stomping and obvious arguments. Not 'fighting' arguments, but disagreements about workmanship etc.

Both groups went to lunch together each day and at one point one of our guys asked what 'tab-nak' meant. The local lead started explaining and after a bit just said its kind of like saying ****, but not necessarily like fighting words, just expressing exasperation. He tried to explain the derivation, but it was either lost on himself or our guy who asked, but at some point the concept of tabernacle did come forth. For us, there isn't anything necessarily wrong with a religious location, so one of our guys asked why it meant that? There was no good explanation communicated, so being a bunch of engineers and construction workers, people started making fun of different words.

Our guys determined that cul-de-sac (round thing at the end of the road in neighborhoods that Americans know about) was a French word and since 'Tab-er-knackle' (said by a Southerner, not in Quebecois) sounded like 'tab-nak' and was now a cuss word, that 'coot-sac' (again Southern pronunciation) would be the US guy's cuss word.

By the end of the trip, there were Americans saying 'tab-nak' and the guys in Montreal saying ' coot-sac' for half the day, laughing and hanging out together.

When our guys came home, it spread and still to this day (literally today, in my case when I made a mistake) you hear 'coot-sac' instead of a more familiar profanity. Nobody is offended, since its all made up at this point, but the new people at the company sure do look at you weird when you say it and other people follow-up with 'tab-nak'.

I told you it was a long story still too long. . .

Sandy.
 
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