Zeus-cat
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This story starts 30 years ago. A lot of what I am telling here is based on things that I have pieced together from things that my mother and brother told me over the years. I know that this isnt 100% accurate, but I think it is a reasonable telling of the situation.
I am telling you this story in hopes that someone will see how an obsession over money can rip a family apart.
My father was an optometrist, but this was back in the day when most eye doctors ran small shops on their own. He did OK, but we werent wealthy by any means. My father was a good doctor, but not the best businessman. I think this is in large part because he took his Catholicism seriously and ended up helping people who could not pay or only paid a fraction of their bills. I can look back at this and feel a sense of pride that he was so generous to the less fortunate, but it did cause our family serious problems.
When I was 13 years old he was diagnosed with lymphoma. He had no health insurance and not enough savings to deal with this situation. We lived about 70 miles from the Mayo Clinic and he went there regularly for treatments. Unfortunately, the disease was diagnosed fairly late and had spread extensively by the time it was diagnosed. Chemo treatments today wreak havoc on patients and I am sure they were far worse 30 years ago. So as the treatments progressed my father found it more and more difficult to work and earn an income.
To help with the cost of the treatments as well as living expenses my parents asked my grandfather for help. He had been a successful businessman and had enough money to help us.
Now I need to tell you a little about my fathers parents and my fathers brothers. My father was the oldest of four brothers. As I said earlier he became an optometrist and settled in a small town in Minnesota about an hour away from his parents. Two of his brothers became medical doctors and the other brother was an Air Force pilot. The brother in the Air Force moved around the country a lot and we didnt see him much. Another brother moved to California and he rarely came back to Minnesota. The other brother settled in Minnesota like my father, but further away from his parents.
As a result of living the closest to his parents, my father was the one who saw them the most often. During the summer we drove up to my grandparents cabin at the lake. Now cabin is a bit of a stretch as I learned later that it was actually an old chicken coop converted to a small cabin. I am not sure I really buy the converted chicken coop story, but even as a little kid I thought that it was a very odd looking cabin. It was clearly not built as a cabin and was converted to one after the fact.
The point being that this cabin was functional, but not luxurious by any means. This was a trait that clearly came from my grandfather. He was not a man to spend money frivolously. He had a boat at the lake and we used to use it for water skiing. I was a little the entire time I went up to the lake so the 40 horsepower motor on the old speedboat worked well for me. However, as kids moved into their late teens that motor just wasnt up to the task of pulling someone that large. I remember more than a few discussions other members of the extended family had with my grandfather about getting a new boat with a bigger motor, but that never came to pass. As I said he just didnt spend money on things he thought werent needed.
As time went by I realized that my father was not going to recover. Just as 8th grade ended for me my father passed away. He may have had a small life insurance policy, but there really wasnt much money for my mother, my brother and me when he died.
We continued to visit my grandparents; at least my mom and I did. My brother was in college as he is six years older than me. It was during one of these visits that things got really strange. My mother and my grandfather got in some sort of argument. The next thing I knew was my mother came and got me and we just left their house.
Much later I learned what the argument was about. My grandfather was very upset that his oldest son had died. He was also upset that my mother had not taken my father to France and to the healing waters at Lourdes. I guess my grandfather put more trust in things like this than doctors. My father was so ill the last few months of his life that he could not have survived a trip like that and my mother knew that. My grandfather at least partly blamed my mother for his death. During that last visit he had demanded his money back. He wanted the $26,312.97 that he had given my parents. He essentially wanted a refund as his investment hadnt panned out.
Obviously, my mother did not have the money. That is a lot of money today, but 30 years ago it was a huge sum for a widow with no job. When she said she couldnt pay he threw her out. That was the last time I ever saw or heard from my grandparents. Even worse was that my grandfather forbade my grandmother and his three sons from having anything to do with us. If they even so much as talked to us they were out of his will. Sadly, none of them stood up to him and we were out of the family.
My mother struggled, but with Social Security Survivors benefits and part time jobs she held on to the house and paid the bills. She could have really used the financial and emotional support of the family, but she never heard from any of them.
About six or seven years went by and my grandfather died. Everything passed to my grandmother and then she died a few years later. Much to our surprise my brother and I received a portion of the estate, but here is where it takes yet another bizarre turn. The estate was split four ways for the four sons; with my brother and I splitting my fathers share. However, our share was reduced by $26,312.97 which was divided amongst the three surviving brothers. We also didnt get a share of the lake property which was now worth a lot of money.
My brother thinks that two of my uncles had a big hand in this division of assets. Of course, my grandfather had written the original will and the asset distribution plan, but the fact that it was still in place years after his death was too strange for him. My grandmother was not vindictive like my grandfather, so it seems unlikely she would have kept this clause without someone pressuring her to keep it. My brother and I each received about $20,000, but it hardly made up for the years of isolation from the family.
After my grandmothers death we started getting correspondence from my one of my aunts. My brother was in the Army and I was in the Air Force and we were both doing well. My brother and mother wanted nothing to do with these people and I was indifferent at best. I certainly was not going to go out of my way to see them.
The years went by and my mother died. We kept hearing from my aunt even though my brother and I rarely responded. Finally, my brother decided it was time to bury the hatchet. We all met at the lake one summer. The old chicken coop was long gone and a beautiful house now stood in its place. A second house stood on the back end of the lot where the old garage/boat storage shed had been. These people had done well.
The visit was nice, but after that one time my brother and I never went back. The memories of not getting any help form these people when it was desperately needed just left a bad taste in our mouths. They didnt help my mother when she needed it most.
My fathers death turned my grandfather from the loving grandparent I had always known to some sort of tyrant? Was this the real man or was my fathers death just so devastating that my grandfather suffered from some mental breakdown? My brother and I were the grandchildren he knew the best and yet after that last visit by me and my mother we never saw or heard from him again. As a thirteen year old child I not only lost my father, but both of my grandparents.
Looking back on all of this I only feel sad for both of my grandparents. My grandfather must have become a tyrant whose grief caused him to only care about the money. He turned his back on his family and his obligations. He was the type of man who would never seek help for a mental problem and many people suffered for that. My grandmother never stood up to him and I feel sad for her for her lack of strength. I feel the same way about my uncles and their wives. They abandoned us when we needed them. They did it for money. I havent sent them a card or talked to any of them in years. They simply arent worth the effort.
Maybe none of the people in that family learned anything from what happened, but I did. A number of years ago my sister-in-law found herself abandoned by her husband and trying to take care of two small boys. When my wife first told me about it I immediately suggested we send her sister money each month until she got back on her feet. My wife wanted to suggest it, but wasnt sure how to ask me. I told her that this was her sister; she was family, and we were going to help her if she needed money. I wasnt going to ignore a family member in a time of need. Fortunately, her sister turned her life around. She got her degree, a good job and has remarried. I know our help played a very, very small part in all that, but we helped her and that's what was important.
Sorry for the long post, but if you got this far I hope you at least enjoyed the story. I've told it before, but never in such detail. If you take nothing else away from this you should help people in time of need.
I am telling you this story in hopes that someone will see how an obsession over money can rip a family apart.
My father was an optometrist, but this was back in the day when most eye doctors ran small shops on their own. He did OK, but we werent wealthy by any means. My father was a good doctor, but not the best businessman. I think this is in large part because he took his Catholicism seriously and ended up helping people who could not pay or only paid a fraction of their bills. I can look back at this and feel a sense of pride that he was so generous to the less fortunate, but it did cause our family serious problems.
When I was 13 years old he was diagnosed with lymphoma. He had no health insurance and not enough savings to deal with this situation. We lived about 70 miles from the Mayo Clinic and he went there regularly for treatments. Unfortunately, the disease was diagnosed fairly late and had spread extensively by the time it was diagnosed. Chemo treatments today wreak havoc on patients and I am sure they were far worse 30 years ago. So as the treatments progressed my father found it more and more difficult to work and earn an income.
To help with the cost of the treatments as well as living expenses my parents asked my grandfather for help. He had been a successful businessman and had enough money to help us.
Now I need to tell you a little about my fathers parents and my fathers brothers. My father was the oldest of four brothers. As I said earlier he became an optometrist and settled in a small town in Minnesota about an hour away from his parents. Two of his brothers became medical doctors and the other brother was an Air Force pilot. The brother in the Air Force moved around the country a lot and we didnt see him much. Another brother moved to California and he rarely came back to Minnesota. The other brother settled in Minnesota like my father, but further away from his parents.
As a result of living the closest to his parents, my father was the one who saw them the most often. During the summer we drove up to my grandparents cabin at the lake. Now cabin is a bit of a stretch as I learned later that it was actually an old chicken coop converted to a small cabin. I am not sure I really buy the converted chicken coop story, but even as a little kid I thought that it was a very odd looking cabin. It was clearly not built as a cabin and was converted to one after the fact.
The point being that this cabin was functional, but not luxurious by any means. This was a trait that clearly came from my grandfather. He was not a man to spend money frivolously. He had a boat at the lake and we used to use it for water skiing. I was a little the entire time I went up to the lake so the 40 horsepower motor on the old speedboat worked well for me. However, as kids moved into their late teens that motor just wasnt up to the task of pulling someone that large. I remember more than a few discussions other members of the extended family had with my grandfather about getting a new boat with a bigger motor, but that never came to pass. As I said he just didnt spend money on things he thought werent needed.
As time went by I realized that my father was not going to recover. Just as 8th grade ended for me my father passed away. He may have had a small life insurance policy, but there really wasnt much money for my mother, my brother and me when he died.
We continued to visit my grandparents; at least my mom and I did. My brother was in college as he is six years older than me. It was during one of these visits that things got really strange. My mother and my grandfather got in some sort of argument. The next thing I knew was my mother came and got me and we just left their house.
Much later I learned what the argument was about. My grandfather was very upset that his oldest son had died. He was also upset that my mother had not taken my father to France and to the healing waters at Lourdes. I guess my grandfather put more trust in things like this than doctors. My father was so ill the last few months of his life that he could not have survived a trip like that and my mother knew that. My grandfather at least partly blamed my mother for his death. During that last visit he had demanded his money back. He wanted the $26,312.97 that he had given my parents. He essentially wanted a refund as his investment hadnt panned out.
Obviously, my mother did not have the money. That is a lot of money today, but 30 years ago it was a huge sum for a widow with no job. When she said she couldnt pay he threw her out. That was the last time I ever saw or heard from my grandparents. Even worse was that my grandfather forbade my grandmother and his three sons from having anything to do with us. If they even so much as talked to us they were out of his will. Sadly, none of them stood up to him and we were out of the family.
My mother struggled, but with Social Security Survivors benefits and part time jobs she held on to the house and paid the bills. She could have really used the financial and emotional support of the family, but she never heard from any of them.
About six or seven years went by and my grandfather died. Everything passed to my grandmother and then she died a few years later. Much to our surprise my brother and I received a portion of the estate, but here is where it takes yet another bizarre turn. The estate was split four ways for the four sons; with my brother and I splitting my fathers share. However, our share was reduced by $26,312.97 which was divided amongst the three surviving brothers. We also didnt get a share of the lake property which was now worth a lot of money.
My brother thinks that two of my uncles had a big hand in this division of assets. Of course, my grandfather had written the original will and the asset distribution plan, but the fact that it was still in place years after his death was too strange for him. My grandmother was not vindictive like my grandfather, so it seems unlikely she would have kept this clause without someone pressuring her to keep it. My brother and I each received about $20,000, but it hardly made up for the years of isolation from the family.
After my grandmothers death we started getting correspondence from my one of my aunts. My brother was in the Army and I was in the Air Force and we were both doing well. My brother and mother wanted nothing to do with these people and I was indifferent at best. I certainly was not going to go out of my way to see them.
The years went by and my mother died. We kept hearing from my aunt even though my brother and I rarely responded. Finally, my brother decided it was time to bury the hatchet. We all met at the lake one summer. The old chicken coop was long gone and a beautiful house now stood in its place. A second house stood on the back end of the lot where the old garage/boat storage shed had been. These people had done well.
The visit was nice, but after that one time my brother and I never went back. The memories of not getting any help form these people when it was desperately needed just left a bad taste in our mouths. They didnt help my mother when she needed it most.
My fathers death turned my grandfather from the loving grandparent I had always known to some sort of tyrant? Was this the real man or was my fathers death just so devastating that my grandfather suffered from some mental breakdown? My brother and I were the grandchildren he knew the best and yet after that last visit by me and my mother we never saw or heard from him again. As a thirteen year old child I not only lost my father, but both of my grandparents.
Looking back on all of this I only feel sad for both of my grandparents. My grandfather must have become a tyrant whose grief caused him to only care about the money. He turned his back on his family and his obligations. He was the type of man who would never seek help for a mental problem and many people suffered for that. My grandmother never stood up to him and I feel sad for her for her lack of strength. I feel the same way about my uncles and their wives. They abandoned us when we needed them. They did it for money. I havent sent them a card or talked to any of them in years. They simply arent worth the effort.
Maybe none of the people in that family learned anything from what happened, but I did. A number of years ago my sister-in-law found herself abandoned by her husband and trying to take care of two small boys. When my wife first told me about it I immediately suggested we send her sister money each month until she got back on her feet. My wife wanted to suggest it, but wasnt sure how to ask me. I told her that this was her sister; she was family, and we were going to help her if she needed money. I wasnt going to ignore a family member in a time of need. Fortunately, her sister turned her life around. She got her degree, a good job and has remarried. I know our help played a very, very small part in all that, but we helped her and that's what was important.
Sorry for the long post, but if you got this far I hope you at least enjoyed the story. I've told it before, but never in such detail. If you take nothing else away from this you should help people in time of need.
