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Bat-mite

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  1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  3. I AM in shape. Round's a shape...
  4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today. We have no idea where she is.
  10. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
  11. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  12. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  13. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my wife is attractive, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
  14. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know, a cow was murdered to make that jacket," she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too!"
 

Cl(VII)

Chris Bender, Lab Rat
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Number 14 is fantastic. Maybe that says something about me...best not to unpack that.
 
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Those are great!

No clue why, but they kind of remind me of the old 50 Fun Things to do in Walmart list:

1.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4.Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10.Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11.Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12.Play with the automatic doors.
13.Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14.While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15.Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17.Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18.Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20.Put M&M's on layaway.
21.Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23.Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26.TP as much of the store as possible.
27.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28.Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29.When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30.When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31.Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32.Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33.Take bets on the battle described above.
34.Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36.Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39.Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40.Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42.Two words: "Marco Polo."
43.Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44."Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45.In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46.When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48.When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50.Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
 

Mushtang

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Number 14 is fantastic. Maybe that says something about me...best not to unpack that.
Classic Jake Johannsen. A few from Steven Wright in there too. Brought me back to days of listening to comedy albums on my walkman while riding the bus to school.
 

Bat-mite

Rocketeer in MD
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Those are great!

No clue why, but they kind of remind me of the old 50 Fun Things to do in Walmart list:

7.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Excellent! But, what is this thing called "typewriter?"
 

qquake2k

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  1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
  2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
  3. I AM in shape. Round's a shape...
  4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today. We have no idea where she is.
  10. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
  11. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  12. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
  13. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my wife is attractive, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
  14. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know, a cow was murdered to make that jacket," she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too!"
#10 is my favorite. I also like #4. LOL
 
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