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Well-Known Member
Sep 6, 2004
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For all you Trekies out there read on:
I really find the "Transporter" section interesting

Star Trek Inaccuracies

There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself

into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the

future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,

selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to

describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any

openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your

unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your a$$

shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores

instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not

easy to close other people's orifices.

It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then

reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker

to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper

to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop.

I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates.

They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture.

People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects

protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch


If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the

house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,

stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my

house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to

arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my

walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the

good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I

would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break,

give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd

never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they

got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My

neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only

after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.

There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time

wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can

create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The

characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from

work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the

door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to

convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil

massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go

around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of

me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's

exactly why I'd need a massage.

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with

creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot

of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough

to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and

you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for

who-knows-what. This could only add to performance B anxiety. You would

never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a

galactic-sized mistake.

Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being

that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.

Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek

model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I

don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically,

the future won't be that convenient.

I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness

without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service

at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat

in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It

happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an

alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star

Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien

possession' defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the

occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my

bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a

time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might

be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there

looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a

phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot

through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't

disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some

sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired

by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be


And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human.

I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I

am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal

with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an

electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot

of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so

you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.

I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at

someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program

myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear

in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I

could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people

talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine

during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day


I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush

of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the

look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has

something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone

wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at

the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket

and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you

have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially

around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal

space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a

phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the

Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult

dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of

personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On

the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!

Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: ****!

Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account?

Our interest rates are very reasonable.

Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for

new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could

run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself

out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you

would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means

extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing

as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That

would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan

Death Grip look like an accident.

'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other

citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting

caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually

undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You

wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the

sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in

corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise,

but . . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by

HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with

the text.
ROTFLMAO...Good stuff! Thanks for sharin'!


I love Trek and I love Scott Adams' stuff, too, so when you combine them, it's double the fun for me :D I've read all the books in the Dilbert series. You'd be surprised at the stuff in Dilbert cartoons that actually happen in some form or another in a workplace.
Originally posted by rebar_rocketry
You'd be surprised at the stuff in Dilbert cartoons that actually happen in some form or another in a workplace.

That would be because he (Scott Adams) used to be a cube-farm denizen himself. He used to work at Pacific Telesis, which became Pacific Bell, which became SBC, which became SBC/Yahoo! which is now trying to merge with AT&T. Very fertile ground for corporate cube-farm stories. The character Dilbert is actually a composite of many of Scott's co-workers at PacBell.

Originally posted by rebar_rocketry
You'd be surprised at the stuff in Dilbert cartoons that actually happen in some form or another in a workplace.

I've also read Scott Adams say that some stuff he's sent by cube rodents -though it may be true- is so outrageous that he can't use it in the Dilbert strips!
graylensman, who're you calling a cube rodent?!?

Actually, if you work at a company as big as mine, there is stuff that goes on all the time that 'outsiders' just flat would not believe.
Originally posted by powderburner
graylensman, who're you calling a cube rodent?!?

You and me both, brother!

Actually, my current employer has a low Dilbert factor, at least as far as my duties go. Previous employer though, weekly it seemed Adams had nailed some corporate event.
I would never come out of the holo deck either! I could whip up ALL the rockets that have EVER been produced! Probably could launch them in there too! :D

Sad to hear Enterprise will be cancelled after this year! :( :mad:

I'm a fairly big fan - my license plate is "NX-01" !

Originally posted by huxley

Sad to hear Enterprise will be cancelled after this year! :( :mad:

I'm a fairly big fan...


Me, too.
Here's what I posted on RMR about it when someone talked about it going into syndication:

That's the only reason it got a 4th season, for the syndication deals that
would come. They sold the episodes this season for a bargain just to get
them made and on the air for syndication. I can't remember the specifics of
why a 4th season of a show makes it more valuable for syndication, but it
The show had a lot of potential that was just never going to be realized
with the folks in charge. They should take notes from the production of the
new Battlestar Galactica, IMHO. Also it was buried on a network that not a
lot of people watch. Selling the show into syndication to begin with (like
ST:TNG) would have probably built a larger following.

I followed it as much as I could. It could have been a great show.
I think Enterprises 4th season (this year) is the best of previous years by far. I *love* how they're meshing all the other series into this one:


- the klingon "forehead mystery" will air soon (explains why the klingons in Kirks era do not have the ridges on their forehead)

- The transition of Vulcuns to the way we see them in Kirks era.

- We'll get to see how the federation was formed (3 parter, started last Friday.) We also get to see the Andorian home world.

Plus I like how we get to see things, Kirk took for granted, that are just being developed - transporter, holodecks...

Best series of all Star Treks! :D

Just read a production report about the 'ol alternate evil universe! I guess Archer kills Captain Forrest to take over the Enterprise!

"That opening sequence will segue into a revised title sequence with images of exploration replaced by images of violence, and "Faith of the Heart" replaced with a militaristic "drums of war" march"
What happens when Trip and T'pol finally get together (come on, you KNOW it's gonna happen!) on a "G"-rated show?

I thought last season was kinda weak, I just didn't get into the Xindi/Zindi/whatever story line. You would think they could have found a few episodes that were a bit more exciting?

This season looks a little better so far. I think I will actually miss this show if they go ahead and shut it down.
There was actually some talk earlier about having William Shatner guest star in an episode as Kirk's grandfather or something. Hopefully they'll pull it off before they shut it down.
Bet his asking price has gone up with all the emmys and golden globes he's getting, though :p :p
I agree, I was getting tired of the Xindi. Altho, they had some good episodes that year.

I stopped watching Voyager because we kept seeing (those one people who the female engineer defected too?) Voyager traveled like half way across the Delta quadrant, yet those people are still attcking Voyager!

My fav Enterprise episode was "Co-genator". I didn't like the co-genter part, but the Visians were cool! Fav line:

"If you don't mind by-passing the development stage, I'd be happy to modify your sensors"!

Now THIS is why we're out in space! ;)
Of all the "New" ST shows out, Voyager, I felt, was the best. Enterprise was close. Both for the same reasons. TOS was all about going out, exploring, meeting new people, finding new things, kicking butt, taking names, and becoming friendly only after we've proven ourselves.

TNG started out okay, but devolved into a touchy-feely peacekeeping force, and DS9 was nothing less than the UN in space. Both very PC.

My 2 cents.

What happens when Trip and T'pol finally get together

Season 3, episode: E2 (squared) they had a kid too!

Shortest title Star Trek episode, beating out Q2 by a half script (2 as in E2 is a super script, the 2 in Q2 is a full script!)
Originally posted by powderburner
I think that is where they belong.

When can we start shipping them out?

Under my plan, immediately. But that's only if I'm elected.
There is a death grip. I first learned of it when I worked part time at the local college for the police academy. It's basically just like the vulcan thing and accomplishes the same thing, knocks pple out. Thing is it also has a habit of killing a certain percentage which is why I think they almost never use it. I was floored when I found out that was real! I don't know for certain but I suspect the cops is where roddenberry got the idea because I believe he was an officer for a time.