You know why divorce is so expensive?
Because it’s worth it!
Because it’s worth it!
Dad Jokes...
- Thread starter K'Tesh
- Start date
Do you know the difference between a hippo and zippo?
One is heavy, the other a little lighter.
One is heavy, the other a little lighter.
Ok, 2 dad jokes, stolen from a BBC article
Why was Santa banned from sooty chimneys?
Because he left carbon footprints
Why is the government having trouble with their nativity scene?
Because they can't find 3 wise men
Why was Santa banned from sooty chimneys?
Because he left carbon footprints
Why is the government having trouble with their nativity scene?
Because they can't find 3 wise men
I have piles and piles of ironing to do.
I don't know which is worse.
I don't know which is worse.
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NateB
Well-Known Member
My body is not a temple, it's a Midwestern dive bar.
Restaurant manager seating me at a table.
"Today your waitresses name is Julie"
My reply. "What did you call her yesterday?"
"Today your waitresses name is Julie"
My reply. "What did you call her yesterday?"
I didn't laugh... that what my family says to me!
MY mom can't carry a tune in a bucket. She tells me that as a little tyke she would start to sing and I would put my hand on her lips and say "Momma, please don't!"
But I, on the other hand, have been a soloist and even sung the tenor part of the Hallelujah Chorus. I was asked to help the choir at Christmas, so I wasn't a regular member. When we "nailed it" in practice the first time, it was undoubtedly the most wonderful musical experience I've ever had. They just don't like it when I sing, guys aren't supposed to sing that well, I suppose...
Welk, back to bad dad jokes, Lawrence!
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Is that really bad news though if you're in your 90's anyway? I mean, imagine being 90, getting confirmation that heaven exists, there is an infinitely large, completely clear of obstacles, completely windless, always sunny rocket field there, and you're going to a launch there on Saturday. I'd be excited.
It's interesting that when I was copying that joke I was having the same thought as you...
jbsommerfeldt
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I went golfing with a buddy yesterday. My 2n tee the ball landed right next to a water hazard. I went to take a mulligan and pick it up. When to my surprise a a frog jumped on my ball. The frog said if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant your every pleasure. I picked up the frog and put in my pocket. My buddy says “aren’t you going to kiss it”. I replied “ no, at my age I would rather have a talking frog”.
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house …Walked home... And left it there all night.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house …Walked home... And left it there all night.
One of the teens just asked me what DNA stands for.
I said, 'National Dyslexics Association'.
Apparently I'm not that funny.
I said, 'National Dyslexics Association'.
Apparently I'm not that funny.
tsmith1315
Well-Known Member
Yeah, there's still cool stuff happening here to see.
Sooner Boomer
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You know, those memory pills made out of jellyfish really work! Every time I hear one of their commercials, I remember I left the room without muting the TV.
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
A four-chin teller.
