Kids!

My kids crack me up, even when they're being disobedient. Sometimes I just can't stifle a laugh when I'm trying to correct them.

Case in point. Yesterday my son was being annoying at the dinner table after he had finished eating. So my wife told him to get down, go into the bathroom and wash his hands.

He gets down, starts walking very slowly to the bathroom while making weird noises with his mouth. He finally gets to the bathroom, then silence. Silence is never good.

So my wife says, "I don't hear water running." And immediately he says, "WHOOOOSHHHH!"

I just about spit my coffee.

That's funny, it's a good thing that raising kids has moments like that!

Once my son had a stick in his hands and was hitting things that he wasn't supposed to. I told him to stop hitting with the stick, or I would take it away. He paused, looked at me, looked at the stick, weighed his options, wound up for one big last WHACK, and then held the stick up to me and announced: "TAKE IT AWAY!"

Parents say things to their kids that, taken out of context, would be abhorrent or possibly a good reason for arrest and conviction. A colleague had to interrupt a fight between his kids who were playing with cap guns. "Brian, it's okay to shoot your sister, but DON'T HIT HER WITH THE GUN!"

prfesser said:

Brian, it's okay to shoot your sister, but DON'T HIT HER WITH THE GUN!

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Hmm, that reminds me of the old George Reeves Superman show. When the crook shot at him, he would stand proudly and let the bullets bounce off of his chest. Then the crook, obviously not too bright, would throw the gun at Superman! But if that's not dumb enough, Superman would duck!

Bat-mite said:

Hmm, that reminds me of the old George Reeves Superman show. When the crook shot at him, he would stand proudly and let the bullets bounce off of his chest. Then the crook, obviously not too bright, would throw the gun at Superman! But if that's not dumb enough, Superman would duck!

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It must have been a Hi Point gun.

Nah, Supes was just acknowledging the effort

My favorite happened at bedtime with our younger child, aged about 4:

Me: "OK, time for bed, put your jammies on."
C: "You mean my jim-jams?"
Me: Yes, put your jim-jams on."
C: You mean my jim-jam-jammies?"
Me: "Yes, put your jim-jam-jammies on and get to bed."
C: [with large, innocent eyes] "Dad, what are jim-jam-jammies?"

My girls are 2, 5 and 7. On more than one occasion I've caught myself hollering ridiculous things along the lines of "DON'T LICK THE FAN!"

Dipstick said:

My girls are 2, 5 and 7. On more than one occasion I've caught myself hollering ridiculous things along the lines of "DON'T LICK THE FAN!"

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Ah, my wife and I are constantly saying, "I can't believe I just had to say that!"

Dipstick said:

My girls are 2, 5 and 7. On more than one occasion I've caught myself hollering ridiculous things along the lines of "DON'T LICK THE FAN!"

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Bat-mite said:

Ah, my wife and I are constantly saying, "I can't believe I just had to say that!"

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A good friend once told me that before becoming a parent he never thought he'd have to tell his kids not to blow their nose on the ham. In the kid's defense, it was a super-thin-sliced ham that was described as "tissue ham", so there was an obvious joke to be made. It's a good thing I wasn't there or I may have made it myself.

My 10 year old, who appears will have more raw intelligence than I, laid an icecream cone on the counter before going off to bed.

I was more amused than the wife, but quieter than any of the boys, and that's wisdom.

When my boys were about 8 and 6: They had been picking at fighting with each other all day, and they were back at it again.

Me: "Oh, would you two go in the backyard and fight to the death."
Youngest: "Fine" (opens back door and storms out)
Oldest: (Looks at me with mix of fear and confusion)
Me: "I'll miss you"

Not from my child, but I still remember this little encounter.
On a trip to Hawaii, walking across the parking lot we encountered an arriving guest and their child.
Perhaps about 4 years old.
We overheard them talking and as we passed by the youngster was saying:
"I want to go on vacation!"
Mom replied: "We are on vacation."
Youngster again: "No! This is Hawaii! I want a real vacation!"

Bat-mite said:

Ah, my wife and I are constantly saying, "I can't believe I just had to say that!"

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I'm pretty sure I once said something like "NO, you can't play your sandwich in the VCR."