Why do restaurant waiters suddenly use "we" when they mean "you?"

[KC3KNM]

During this conversation, would you mention a very particular set of skills?

I don't know who you are. I don't know why you keep saying we. If you're looking for a larger tip, I can tell you I tip at a flat rate of 20%. But what I will do is very directly and politely ask you to stop.

 

[boomtube-mk2]

My place of employment is requiring that we place our preferred pronoun on our email signature. I told my manager I will do so eventually. My preferred will be "It."

There is only one "It".

 

[Gerald]

There is actual science on this. There are only three ways to make a personal connection that increases tips.

1. smile.
2. Get down at eye level early on
3. Be very attractive

not kidding it’s researched.

Also show lots of Cleavage !

 

[Cape Byron]

Also show lots of Cleavage !

I tried that, but they complained about the hair in their soup.

 

[Pat Gordzelik]

You could also say since "we" are splitting the tab, "you'll" be pitching in a third?

Being the agreeable sort, I think I would just reply “We’ll just have what your having”.

 

[Lord Rory Gin]

My place of employment is requiring that we place our preferred pronoun on our email signature. I told my manager I will do so eventually. My preferred will be "It."

My workplace is asking people to do the same (he, him, his) or otherwise to lessen the misunderstanding and to "respect" those who feel they need another pronoun. So I ignored their woke stupidity and changed mine to "Your Royal Highness, Your Majesty, Sir" as my preferred way of being addressed. I identify as the King. That didn't go over well. Apparently the woke have limits to accepting people who identify as something else other than reality. Low tolerance and acceptance from the left - woulda thunk it?

 

[KC3KNM]

My workplace is asking people to do the same (he, him, his) or otherwise to lessen the misunderstanding and to "respect" those who feel they need another pronoun. So I ignored their woke stupidity and changed mine to "Your Royal Highness, Your Majesty, Sir" as my preferred way of being addressed. I identify as the King. That didn't go over well. Apparently the woke have limits to accepting people who identify as something else other than reality. Low tolerance and acceptance from the left - woulda thunk it?

Having compassion and understanding for other people is difficult, I'll give you that. I'm really glad that neither you nor anyone close to you has had to deal with issues related to gender identity. Have you considered just refraining from responding at all instead of actively making fun of those around you? Just a guess, but that might bring some of that tolerance and compassion you're missing out on.

That said, it's interesting that when you bring up how silly someone's imagined sky god is and suddenly they're being persecuted and unfairly treated for their religious beliefs. Wild how people will argue there's a being up in the sky watching your every move, but go out of their way to fight anything that doesn't fit neatly into their own world view. To each their own, I suppose.

 

[tsmith1315]

So I ignored their woke stupidity and changed mine to "Your Royal Highness, Your Majesty, Sir" as my preferred way of being addressed

We've had an "I prefer to be called ______" line on patient forms for years, because of nicknames, etc. One middle-aged lady wrote in "Cameron Diaz".

 

[Marc_G]

Hi folks, while I enjoy a good conversation about gender pronouns as much as the next guy/gal/other, this thread isn't the place for it.

Let's get back to the (non-gender related) topic of waitstaff using "we" instead of "you" although I think we may have exhausted the topic which was admittedly trivial to begin with.

 

[Pem Tech]

Would it like a cocktail? And what is it having for an entree? Did it save room for dessert? Can I get it anything else?

Is there a point to it?

 

[jqavins]

It's nothing new. It's not entirely new out of the mouths of servers, but newly common. It's very common out of the mouths of doctors.
How are we today?
Well I feel like crap, Doc, so I sure hope that's not both of us.

What are we having today?
I'm having the rib-eye (medium rare) with baked sweet potato (butter only) and steamed broccoli. I don't know what you're having, and frankly I don't care. But keep your hands off the steak, I am not sharing.

There's no mystery as to its origin; it's a very simple matter of condescending and pretentious BS.

"Prefect" is the one I find weird. It's the new "OK" for some imperfect reason. Anything marginally good, or even a mere acknowledgement, suddenly is "perfect" (if not "perrrfect"). I've actually had this exchange with a server:
How is everything?
It's alright.
Perfect.
No, just alright.
At least she had the decency to look ever so slightly embarrassed.

 

[Marc_G]

Wow, I've never had a doctor use the "we" like this. If mine did, I might start looking for a new doctor.

 

[jqavins]

I've only experienced it myself a few times, but it's been part of the doctor stereotype for decades.

 

[ThirstyBarbarian]

Is there a point to it?

Don’t point at it! It doesn’t like that!

 

[samb]

I don't think this is a new phenomenon. It's a shortcut. Rather than address everyone at the table individually and risk offending the one with the money/tip it's the default greeting. Once they've broken the ice and determined who's who they can proceed with some other forms. Want I don't like is being addressed as "Hon", "Dear", or "Sir".

 

[ThirstyBarbarian]

It's nothing new. It's not entirely new out of the mouths of servers, but newly common. It's very common out of the mouths of doctors.
How are we today?
Well I feel like crap, Doc, so I sure hope that's not both of us.

What are we having today?
I'm having the rib-eye (medium rare) with baked sweet potato (butter only) and steamed broccoli. I don't know what you're having, and frankly I don't care. But keep your hands off the steak, I am not sharing.

There's no mystery as to its origin; it's very simple a matter of condescending and pretentious BS.

"Prefect" is the one I find weird. It's the new "OK" for some imperfect reason. Anything marginally good, or even a mere acknowledgement, suddenly is "perfect" (if not "perrrfect"). I've actually had this exchange with a server:
How is everything?
It's alright.
Perfect.
No, just alright.
At least she had the decency to look ever so slightly embarrassed.

How are we feeling today?
I have a rash on my ass.
Perrrrrrrfect!

 

[tsmith1315]

it's very simple a matter of condescending and pretentious BS

Exactly.

Using the majestic plural to address customers insinuates they are essentially spoiled children who expect to be treated like royalty.

 

[Marc_G]

Exactly.

Using the majestic plural to address customers insinuates they are essentially spoiled children who expect to be treated like royalty.

And it's not even correct use of the "Royal we." The monarch would say "We will be having steak for dinner" meaning the monarch would eat a steak. The person asking the monarch what they wanted to eat would never ask "what are We having for dinner?" OFF WITH THEIR HEAD would be the outcry...

 

[rharshberger]

Want I don't like is being addressed as "Hon", "Dear", or "Sir".

You must not be from the South then, its not uncommon to be addressed that way by servers. Growing up there and knowing the culture/people and being addressed by those three words has zero effect on me. Then again you live in TX right? So you've probably heard worse.

 

[jqavins]

I think "what would WE like, what will WE be having" etc. is an appropriate question from the waitress to someone that just said WE would like to order now.

If the person who says that is alone at the table, perhaps. If there is a party of two or more, and one speaks for the group, then the one and only correct response to "We [first person plural] would like to order now" is "What would you [second person plural] like?" Except in regions where the accepted second person plural is "y'all" (meh) or "all y'all" (yuck!).

*Or*, you can just let it slide...

Yes, one could, and probably should. Yet I occasionally enjoy confronting people about their BS, and I even see some value in it.

I would assume that the waiter/waitress is saying it for the team. The whole restaurant staff. "We" want you to be satisfied and happy.

Nope, not buying it. I'd buy that in "What can we get you?" There, "we" would refer to a group to which the server belongs. The server in no way belongs to the seated group. The whole restaurant staff is a team entirely distinct from the group of customers. Perhaps it's an attempt to merge the groups into a single team, one that is creating an all around dining experience that unifies the preparation, presentation, and consumption of the meal as a single, joint, creative process. In other words, as I described it above, pretentious BS.

50 years ago my college buddy, asked to identify his ethnicity, didn’t like the choices (“Caucasian”?), so he wrote in “Gaelic”. He caught a bit of grief.

That’s an option. My response is ”Human”.

Ethnicity or race? For race, caucasian and human are legitimate responses. For ethnicity, Gaelic is legitimate. Asking for ethnicity and expecting a response about race is stupid. For that matter, asking about race at all is stupid in most circumstances, so calling it "ethnicity" because you know asking about race is stupid but you're doing it anyway is stupendously stupid.

And it's not even correct use of the "Royal we." The monarch would say "We will be having steak for dinner" meaning the monarch would eat a steak. The person asking the monarch what they wanted to eat would never ask "what are We having for dinner?"

And, y'know, being asked "What will be His Majesty's pleasure tonight?" by the server wouldn't be so bad.

 

[tsmith1315]

OFF WITH THEIR HEAD would be the outcry...

Aha! The perrrfect response!

I wonder what sort of effect it would have on the service ..

 

[ThirstyBarbarian]

I think when the server asks, “What will we be having tonight?” They are pretty much admitting they are gonna have a bite before they bring it out.

 

[ThirstyBarbarian]

It is better than, “What will we be spitting in this evening?”

 

[neil_w]

Yes, one could, and probably should. Yet I occasionally enjoy confronting people about their BS, and I even see some value in it.

Value for whom? Will the recipient of your valuable life lesson be receptive and grateful for it (hint: the answer is rarely "yes"), or is it just to make *you* feel better?

Ask yourself the following two questions:
1) Did the other party's actions harm me in any way?
2) Were the other party's actions taken out of malice? (if your answer to this is "yes", double check your work. Are you *sure*?)

There are legitimate instances where one or both answers might be "yes", and in some of those instances it might definitely be appropriate to inform the other party and/or take some sort of corrective action. Or, there are occasions where very polite and friendly correction can be done without putting the other party on the spot.

However, if the answer to both of these is "no" (as is certainly the case in the situation being discussed in this thread) then you are usually best off just smiling and moving on with your day. Restaurant servers have a hard enough job without being lectured by patrons for whatever reason. And they are essentially forced to listen and say "thank you", regardless of whether they mean it, because at that moment you have power over them, in the form of your tip (and also maybe the possibility that you'll report them to the manager). [edit: I overlooked that Marc_G said he would raise this after giving the tip. That is better, but I would still let it slide].

Server use of "we" is an minor verbal mannerism that is delivered with no ill will. Fun to casually gripe about on a forum, dumb to get worked up over.

 

[Marc_G]

And just for the record, I'm working on the assumption that the servers have little say in this. I think it is pushed down from management.

 

[NateB]

And just for the record, I'm working on the assumption that the servers have little say in this. I think it is pushed down from management.

We were never told exactly what to say to customers. They had a general format we were supposed to follow, like greeting, introducing yourself, offering wine sample (Olive Garden), mentioning anything featured, etc... However, it was pretty open. The sales and service managers were happy if you were selling "add ons" and didn't care as much how you did it, as long as you were making them and the restaurant money without getting complaints.

In many aspects, being a server is just being commissioned sales for the restaurant. You need to quickly read your customers provide the service they want. I'm on the introverted side and found it better (more profitable) to just be nice, anticipate needs during the meal and provide them with little fanfare. It wasn't a hard job.

 

[smstachwick]

Regarding the OP, I’d guess it’s borne about through the struggle to come up with a widely accepted method of addressing a group, and perhaps that struggle is becoming more visible. I can think of several that work better but “we” works fine.

Regarding the direction that the thread has taken, I’ll try to keep this as non-provocative as possible. If the discussion of non-standard usage of gendered pronouns gets confusing or annoying, try to think of it as roughly equivalent to calling somebody by the correct name. Forgetting or making a mistake with a name is one thing, and most people will either be gentle in correcting or just roll with it, especially if it’s one of those that’s difficult to get right. My last name is “Stachwick”, so I’ve had that happen more times than I can count. Maybe we should have a contest to see who gets the correct pronunciation first. I’d put my AeroTech hardware up as a prize, I’m *that* confident that nobody who doesn’t know me personally will get it.

My first name is Shane. It is just as common for people to mis-remember it as Sean. No biggie, it happens.

On the other hand, deliberately and/or repeatedly using the wrong name, or replying to a gentle correction with mocking, can be interpreted as intensely disrespectful and rude. In the most benign forms that appear as repetitive forgetfulness, it implies that the offender can’t be bothered to learn even the simplest, most basic things about the person being addressed.



For situations like that, the younger generations are better able to recognize common problems, and are more inclined to help each other put hostile outsiders in their place. This contrasts more with the older generations who see dealing with harassment as an individual effort, a burden to carry alone.

What goes for one’s proper nouns also goes for one’s pronouns. Making the effort to get them right is the easiest way to show respect, while going out of your way to get them wrong is a quick way to be identified as hostile.

 

[boatgeek]

My last name is “Stachwick”, so I’ve had that happen more times than I can count. Maybe we should have a contest to see who gets the correct pronunciation first. I’d put my AeroTech hardware up as a prize, I’m *that* confident that nobody who doesn’t know me personally will get it.

Stack-vick?

 

[neil_w]

Regarding the OP, I’d guess it’s borne about through the struggle to come up with a widely accepted method of addressing a group, and perhaps some of the increasingly visible struggles of getting it right does play a part. I can think of several that work better but “we” works fine.

Regarding the direction that the thread has taken, I’ll try to keep this as non-provocative as possible. If the discussion of non-standard usage of gendered pronouns gets confusing or annoying, try to think of it as roughly equivalent to calling somebody by the correct name. Forgetting or making a mistake with a name is one thing, and most people will either be gentle in correcting or just roll with it, especially if it’s one of those that’s difficult to get right. My last name is “Stachwick”, so I’ve had that happen more times than I can count. Maybe we should have a contest to see who gets the correct pronunciation first. I’d put my AeroTech hardware up as a prize, I’m *that* confident that nobody who doesn’t know me personally will get it.

My first name is Shane. It is just as common for people to mis-remember it as Sean. No biggie, it happens.

On the other hand, deliberately and/or repeatedly using the wrong name, or replying to a gentle correction with mocking, can be interpreted as intensely disrespectful and rude. In the most benign forms that appear as repetitive forgetfulness, it implies that the offender can’t be bothered to learn even the simplest, most basic things about the person being addressed.

View attachment 513951

For situations like that, the younger generations are better able to recognize common problems, and are more inclined to help each other put hostile outsiders in their place. This contrasts more with the older generations who see dealing with harassment as an individual effort, a burden to carry alone.

What goes for one’s proper nouns also goes for one’s pronouns. Making the effort to get them right is the easiest way to show respect, while going out of your way to get them wrong is a quick way to be identified as hostile.

I could not possibly agree with all of the above any more strongly. Three thumbs up.

 

[jqavins]

Value for whom? Will the recipient of your valuable life lesson be receptive and grateful for it (hint: the answer is rarely "yes"), or is it just to make *you* feel better?

First:

Don't blame @ZEDL1; that was me. (Some odd mistake in the 'QUOTE=...' tag.)

Second, keep in mind that I was responding to your response to this:

Ok, next time it happens I'm asking the server, after finishing the tipping process so they won't wonder if their tip depends on their answer.

So we're not talking about threatening or harassing the server here.

1) Did the server's use of trendy, pretentious BS language harm me in any way? Very little. Contributing one of the day's many minor annoyances is only very slightly more than zero.

2) Was the server's use of this language done out of malice? Certainly not.

Value for whom? For all. Calling people's attention, politely and non-threateningly, to the nonsense that they don't even realize they're saying is of value to society, because it can (with a little luck) help to lower (a little) the total BS load born by all.

Will simply asking, after the appropriately and normally sized gratuity has been given, harm the server in any way? I believe the answer is no, though I admit it is possible that it will contribute one of the day's minor annoyances to him/her (which, though not at all my intent, could reasonably be called just).