ThirstyBarbarian
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Henrietta could not escape the eerie sensation she was being watched.
Turn your head and cluck.
... The agent soon realized the 9mm chicken would prove ineffective.
Reminds me of a joke I played on my niece when she was talking about going to vet school... As you may or may not know, EVERYBODY and their DOG wants to go to vet school, so they are VERY picky about whom they let in... it's harder to get into vet school than medical school! And despite all that, NOBODY wants to be a "large animal" vet (for livestock, horses, cows, goats, sheep, etc...) Everybody wants to be a "small animal" (pet) vet, because they can get rich treating Fluffy and Fido...
Anyway, having been thwarted at that "dream", she elected to do a poultry science degree instead at Purdue... Anyway, when I found that out, I asked her... "So, you wanna be a chicken doctor?? Hmmm... " She answered, "sorta... not really, but yeah, in a way, sorta"... after having set the hook, I asked her nonchalantly, "SO, how do you tell how a chicken is feeling??" At this point I started my doctor routine, where he thumps your chest and feels your abdomen with two extended fingers... I mimed like I was holding a chicken in one hand, and doing the "two finger chest thump" with the other... "Does this hurt??" (thump thump) Then I made a little soft clucking noise like a chicken... "Does this hurt??" (thump thump on the other side of the "chicken"... another soft "cluck cluck"... "Does THIS hurt??" (and then made as if ramming the two fingers straight up the chicken's cloaca (butthole)... "BA-KAAAAKKkkkk!!! Ba-KAAAKKkkk!!!! Ba-kaaaak!!!!!"
We all had a good laugh...
later! OL JR
Speaking as one who recently received the mandatory screaming, I mean screening required of all men who reach the age of 50 and are employed by Methodist Healthcare:
I am not amused!!!!
I don't know how it is in the US, but here in the UK if you're over 50 you're required to give a "stool sample" every couple of years, which you do by scraping a couple of pieces of the brown stuff while it's on the way out, using a little disposable stick provided, then smear it onto a piece of card. I couldn't be bothered with that, so I just dumped the entire load into a supermarket carrier bag.Speaking as one who recently received the mandatory screaming, I mean screening required of all men who reach the age of 50 and are employed by Methodist Healthcare:
I am not amused!!!!
I used to have a t-shirt with that on it. That image is a rip-off of the 1957 original:
:lol:I don't know how it is in the US, but here in the UK if you're over 50 you're required to give a "stool sample" every couple of years, which you do by scraping a couple of pieces of the brown stuff while it's on the way out, using a little disposable stick provided, then smear it onto a piece of card. I couldn't be bothered with that, so I just dumped the entire load into a supermarket carrier bag.
If you have a pet dog, which does its business while you're out walking, you're supposed to scoop the stuff up, put it into a bag, then dispose of it - you're not allowed to leave it lying around.
So there I am, on the bus, taking my bag to present to the doctor, and sitting next to me is a nice young lady with a nice dog and a bag. We get to talking. Then it's my stop, I get up, pick up the bag, and leave.
You can probably see where this is going.
According to the test results, I have fleas and am expecting a puppy in five weeks' time.
I don't know how it is in the US, but here in the UK if you're over 50 you're required to give a "stool sample" every couple of years, which you do by scraping a couple of pieces of the brown stuff while it's on the way out, using a little disposable stick provided, then smear it onto a piece of card. I couldn't be bothered with that, so I just dumped the entire load into a supermarket carrier bag.
If you have a pet dog, which does its business while you're out walking, you're supposed to scoop the stuff up, put it into a bag, then dispose of it - you're not allowed to leave it lying around.
So there I am, on the bus, taking my bag to present to the doctor, and sitting next to me is a nice young lady with a nice dog and a bag. We get to talking. Then it's my stop, I get up, pick up the bag, and leave.
You can probably see where this is going.
According to the test results, I have fleas and am expecting a puppy in five weeks' time.
LOL
"Required" eh...
Don't know about you all, but I'm about sick and d@mn tired of being "REQUIRED" to do this sort of crap...
D@mn stupid insurance *requires* we go for "health screenings" every year... Betty gets our insurance through the school, and so she schedules us to go in when they're having some little travelling clinic monkey show come into one of the schools and do all this crap. I'm sick and tired of it. If you don't do it, your insurance goes up like 20%...
I'm about ready to say to h3ll with all of it... I don't even give a sh!t if I have insurance or not... just friggin sick to death of all of it. H3ll it's not worth the paper its written on anyway. Just a robber baron scam...
Maybe I'm getting old and crotchety, but that's how I feel about it. Guess I'll REALLY have a bad attitude when I'm over 50...
Later! OL JR
It was supposed to be a joke.LOL
"Required" eh...
Don't know about you all, but I'm about sick and d@mn tired of being "REQUIRED" to do this sort of crap...
Not a funny picture, but a funny obituary written in advance (of course) by the recently deceased:
https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/timesleader/obituary.aspx?n=kevin-j-mcgroarty&pid=171858898
WEST PITTSTON — McGroarty Achieves Room Temperature!
Kevin J. McGroarty, 53, of West Pittston, died Tuesday, July 22, 2014, after battling a long fight with mediocracy.
Born 1960 in the Nesbitt Hospital, he was the bouncing baby boy of the late Lt. Col. Edward M. McGroarty and Helen Jane (Hudson) McGroarty, whom the New York Times should have noted as extraordinary parents.
He was baptized at St. Cecilia Church, Exeter, which later burned to the ground, attended Butler Street Elementary, which was later torn down, and middle school at 6th Street in Wyoming, now an apartment building.
He enjoyed elaborate practical jokes, over-tipping in restaurants, sushi and Marx Brother's movies. He led a crusade to promote area midget wrestling, and in his youth was noted for his many unsanctioned daredevil stunts.
He was preceded in death by brother, Airborne Ranger Lt. Michael F. McGroarty, and many beloved pets, Chainsaw, an English Mastiff in Spring 2009, Baron, an Irish Setter in August 1982, Peter Max, a turtle, Summer 1968; along with numerous house flies and bees, but they were only acquaintances.
McGroarty leaves behind no children (that he knows of), but if he did their names would be son, "Almighty Thor" McGroarty; and daughter, "Butter Cup Patchouli."
McGroarty was a veteran of the advertising industry since 1983. McGroarty was a pioneer in Apple computing, purchasing one of the first in the Wyoming Valley in 1985. He would like to remind his friends: "Please, don't email me, I'm dead."
McGroraty was a founding partner of Pyramid Advertising, and finally principal owner of award-winning Rhino Media until 2006. He was also an adjunct instructor at Luzerne County Community College, from 2005-2009.
He will be laid to rest at Mount Olivet Cemetery, section 7N. He asks to please make note of his new address. McGroarty's headstone reads: "I'll Be Right Back," one of his favorite sayings. He leaves this world with few regrets, one being told in grade school, his adult life would see the Hershey candy bar rise in cost to over a dollar. He maintained given the resources and initiative, he would rally the good citizens of the Commonwealth to a revolution that would force that price to its original 35-cent market value, a dream he was not able to fulfill, by his own admission the reason: "I was distracted by many beautiful women."
In lieu of flowers, friends are asked to please give generously to the Pennsylvania State Police Troop "P" Camp Cadet Fund.
A Mass of Christian Burial will be held at 10 a.m. Monday in St. Cecilia Church of St. Barbara Parish, 1700 Wyoming Ave., Exeter, following a brief rant of how the government screwed up all of the Bugs Bunny cartoons trying to censor violence. This will be presented by his attorney, Bret Zankel, Esq. Friends may call from 9 to 10 a.m. Monday in the church.
McGroarty leaves behind a thought for all to ponder, given years of gathering wisdom from different religions and deep study of the Greek philosophers: "It costs nothing to be nice" and "Never stick a steak knife in an electrical outlet."
Arrangements by the Metcalfe-Shaver-Kopcza Funeral Home Inc., 504 Wyoming Ave., Wyoming.
Published in Times Leader from July 25 to July 26, 2014
There's a great cartoon for this somewhere. Panel 5 was more valid back before the end of the cold war:
Panel 1: A soldier sitting in a water-filled foxhole in the rain says forlornly, "This place sucks..."
Panel 2: Marines are storming a beach under heavy fire. One shouts to the other, "I love how this place sucks!"
Panel 3: A sailor peers through a porthole at the Marines storming the beach and says, "Looks like that place sucks!"
Panel 4: Two SEALs are up to their noses in an insect-infested swamp. One says to the other, "This place doesn't suck enough!"
Panel 5: An airman sits in an overstuffed hotel easy chair. A fan blows through his hair. He's holding an iced drink in one hand and a television remote in the other. He says, "What? No cable? This place sucks!"
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