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Man finds car 20 years after forgetting where he parked it
Elderly Frankfurt driver reunited with vehicle after reporting it missing to police in 1997

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/off...after-forgetting-where-he-parked-it-1.3295670

We have all been there. You park your car and go about your business. Three hours later you cannot for the life of you remember where you left it. Was it on level 4B? Or was it 3D?

The difference between you and one German man, is that it usually only takes you a few minutes to find it. This week, an elderly German man was re-united with his car twenty years after he forgot where he parked.

He reported his car missing to the police in Frankfurt in 1997 and city authorities have just found it. The car was not stolen, but in fact parked in a garage in an old industrial building.

The car was discovered because the building was due to be demolished. The police set out to find the owner of the vehicle as it was in the way.

When the 76-year-old owner was found, he was driven by police and accompanied by his daughter to be reunited with the car, according to German regional paper Augsberger Allgemein.

The car was in disrepair, and could not be driven home.
 
Jokes for science geeks

Two engineering students meet each other on campus between lectures. One of them arrives on a shiny new bike. The other student asks him, "When did you get that bike?" He replies, "Well the other day I was walking to my next lecture, when a beautiful woman came rushing up to me on her bike, threw it down, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'" His fellow student nodded, replying, "Ah yes, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a particularly slow group of golfers. Becoming quite angry and frustrated, they call the course manager over.
The doctor asks, "What the hell is with these guys? They're the slowest golfers I've ever seen!"
The manager replies, "Oh, they're a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. As thanks, we let them play for free anytime."
The three golfers fall silent for a moment.
The priest says, "That's very sad. I will say an extra blessing for them at mass tonight."
The doctor adds, "I have a good buddy who's an ophthalmologist. I'll ask if he can do anything for them."
The engineer asks, "Why can't they play at night?"

A programmer's wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer came home a short time later with twelve loaves of bread.

One very easy way to observe the doppler effect is to go next to a highway at night. The lights of the cars moving toward you are white, while the lights of the cars moving away from you are red.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct equals 25 Dec.

Q: 0 is false and 1 is true, right?
A: 1.

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while, they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out, "We got him!"

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.

A logician's wife is having a baby. After it is born, the doctor hands the infant to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, "Is it a girl or a boy?" The logician replies, "Yes."

A programmer is at the airport with his wife, and she needs to go to the bathroom so she tells him to stay there and look at the luggage. When she comes back the programmer is counting the bags while scratching his head.
Wife: What's wrong?
Programmer: I don't get it. I was there, nobody took a bag, but I have missed one. We had 5 bags, but now we have only 4.
Wife: How's that?
Programmer: Look: zero, one, two, three, four!

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on. The bartender looks at the line going out the door, pours two beers and walks away.

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

There's a new band called "1023 MB." They don't have any gigs though.

A Higgs Boson walks into a bar. The bartender says "You know, there were some guys looking for you."

Pavlov was sitting at a pub one night enjoying a pint. The phone rang and he jumped up shouting, "Whoops, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.

A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says, "We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, "But without me, you can't have mass."

The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. The engineer sees it as twice a large as it needs to be.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H two O." The second says, "I'll have some H two O, too." The second one drinks and dies.

A cop pulls Heisenberg over for speeding and asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."

A cop pulls Schrodinger over and searches his car, asking "Did you know there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger replies, "Well, now I do!"

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium.

Two atoms are discussing whether or not to go into a bar.
The first atom says, "I don't know about this place. Last time I went in there, I lost an electron."
The second atom says, "Don't worry, I'll keep my ion you."

A neutrino enters a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The neutrino replies "Nope, just passing through."

How do you tell a microbiologist from a biochemist?
One washes his hands before he pees, the other after.

"Why did the hadron run around the ring?"
"To get smashed with a friend."

A photon checks into a hotel. A bellhop asks, "Can I get your luggage?" The photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light." The bellhop replies, "Ahhhh!!! A talking photon!"

A quark boy walks into a bar, sees a beautiful quark girl, and walks up to her. He asks "Top or Bottom?" She blushes, responds with "I prefer it Strange!" He kisses her hand saying "Charmed." Later, it was Up and Down all night.

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
"The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

An Electrical Engineer, A Mechanical Engineer and an Industrial Engineer were sitting around arguing about who designed the human body. (Electrical Engineer) It must have been an electrical engineer, just look at all of the nerves running from the brain controlling all parts of the body. (Mechanical Engineer) It must have been a mechanical engineer, look at all of the joints and muscles that work for decades, without maintanince or wearing out under normal circumstances. (Industrial Engineer) It must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Egg production at a poultry farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum".

An evil psychiatrist kidnaps an engineer, a chemist, and a mathematician to see how their minds work. He locks them in separate cells with a year supply of canned beans and leaves. When he comes back in a year to check on his prisoners, he finds:
The chemist had collected rainwater to corrode the cans of beans so he could eat them. The engineer had taken apart his bed and made a crude can opener out of the parts. The mathematician was slouched on the floor, long since dead.
Written in blood beside the corpse read the following:
Theorem - If I don't eat the beans I will die.
Proof - Assume the opposite and seek a contradiction.

A physicist goes into a bar every week. He always orders a drink and offers one to the empty stool next to him. One day the bartender asks the physicist, "Why do you do that?" The physicist replies, "Well, quantum mechanics teaches us that there is a chance that the matter above this stool will spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman who will accept my offer of a drink and fall in love with me." The bartender says, "We have beautiful women come in here all the time. Why don't you offer one of them a drink and maybe she'll fall in love with you." The physicist replies, "Yeah, right! What are the odds of THAT happening?"

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests:

* Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
* Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
* Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
* Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.
* Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
* Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
* Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
* Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
* Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
* Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
* Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.
* Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
* Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
* The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
* van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
* Wien radiated a colourful personality.
* Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
* de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
* Hollerith liked the hole idea.
* Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
* Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
* Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
* Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
* Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
* Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
* Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
* Oppenheimer got bombed.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, “This is pointless,” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, “Don’t you see? You’ll never actually reach her!” To which the engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing Hide and Seek. It's Einstein's turn to seek, so he covers his eyes and starts to count.
Pascal runs off and hides, but Newton simply draws a 1 meter square on the ground and then stands inside it.
Einstein finishes counting and opens his eyes. He immediately sees Newton and calls out "I found you, Newton. You're it!"
Newton smiles and says, "No you didn't — you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think the third one would have ducked.

A sphere walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve spheres here." The disgruntled sphere rolls outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dehn surgery upon himself. He wobbles into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize him but thinks he looks familiar (or at least locally similar) and asks, "Aren't you that sphere that just came in here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

sin(x) walks into a bar and asks for drink. The barman declines: "We don't cater for functions."

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…"

A friend who's in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it's proof by induction.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says, "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you've got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you're – on average - very comfortable.

The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. "What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!" "Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. "NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he says. "NaCl over NaOH?" shouts his officer. "What do you mean?" "The base is under a salt!" came the reply.

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures."

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender approaches him and askes, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?" Descartes replies "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
 
I think I'm going to post this in the public restrooms in the building I work in. It's bad enough with the squat toilets... The cigarette smoke makes it much worse than American gas station restrooms of the 1970's.

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Finally!!! A big tobacco ad I trust...

[video=youtube;O8I39Yb2a_I]https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=45&v=O8I39Yb2a_I[/video]
 
Okay, those had me in tears, especially the last one.
Thanks!

I once ordered shirts that were customisable - the website had grey text on two lines saying “[YOUR TEXT HERE]”

I only wanted text on one line so I filled in the form and ordered them..

Guess what turned up? Tshirt with my line of text followed by:

[YOUR TEXT HERE]

Needless to say, I called, complained and they reprinted them free...



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 
I always respond with:

“They were only faked because they didn’t want the world to find out about the secret Nazi moon bases on the dark side of the moon...”

Uh, there is no dark side of the moon any more than there is a dark side of any planetary body that is not tidally locked to its sun.

There is the "Far Side" of the moon, since it is tidally locked such that the same side always faces the Earth. But the "far side" gets as much sunlight per lunar cycle as the "Earth facing side".

In other words, Pink Floyd got it wrong, Gary Larsen got it right. :)

Yeah, I know. "Pfft - you believe that Pink Floyd and Gary Larsen exist?"

Also, I'm sure you really know that. Just that the term is so stuck that lots of people who do know better say it without thinking about it. And sadly far too many people don't know that. Heck there are even "Moon causes ocean tides on Earth" deniers.

"Pfft - you believe in tides?"

"Pfft - you believe in oceans?"

"Pfft - you believe the Earth exists?"
 
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Uh, there is no dark side of the moon any more than there is a dark side of any planetary body that is not tidally locked to its sun.

There is the "Far Side" of the moon, since it is tidally locked such that the same side always faces the Earth. But the "far side" gets as much sunlight per lunar cycle as the "Earth facing side".

In other words, Pink Floyd got it wrong, Gary Larsen got it right. :)

Yeah, I know. "Pfft - you believe that Pink Floyd and Gary Larsen exist?"

Also, I'm sure you really know that. Just that the term is so stuck that lots of people who do know better say it without thinking about it. And sadly far too many people don't know that. Heck there are even "Moon causes ocean tides on Earth" deniers.

"Pfft - you believe in tides?"

"Pfft - you believe in oceans?"

"Pfft - you believe the Earth exists?"

morp air breath.jpg
 
Uh, there is no dark side of the moon any more than there is a dark side of any planetary body that is not tidally locked to its sun.

There is the "Far Side" of the moon, since it is tidally locked such that the same side always faces the Earth. But the "far side" gets as much sunlight per lunar cycle as the "Earth facing side".

In other words, Pink Floyd got it wrong, Gary Larsen got it right. :)

Yeah, I know. "Pfft - you believe that Pink Floyd and Gary Larsen exist?"

Also, I'm sure you really know that. Just that the term is so stuck that lots of people who do know better say it without thinking about it. And sadly far too many people don't know that. Heck there are even "Moon causes ocean tides on Earth" deniers.

"Pfft - you believe in tides?"

"Pfft - you believe in oceans?"

"Pfft - you believe the Earth exists?"

We will stop saying "dark side of the moon" just as soon as we stop saying "sunrise" and "sunset," and "dial the phone."
 
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