Post a pic that makes you LOL

Funny, my dad says this is what he deals with in business every day:
[video=youtube;BKorP55Aqvg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg&feature=youtu.be[/video]

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Getmore said:

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Click to expand...

Apparently they're switch hitters on "lite/light" brews?

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. "That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..."

:surprised:

That is about the funniest thing I have seen all week... :rofl:

......

I posted a funny ad in this ad thread: https://www.rocketryforum.com/showthread.php?64708-AD-s-SOLUTION&p=694844#post694844

Applie?

Hey, I found it on the interwho, of course it is not spelt right...

Oh, I thought you made it. Actually, I thought you made all of them.

Not persnactly a picture...

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.


He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.


The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.


A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.


“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”


The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!


The man was astonished. He said to the woman,


“What in Heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”


The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:


“Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”































An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.


When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.


The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.


Finally, the lawyer asked,


“Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”


The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly,


“Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

And a few more... Somebody sent this list to me... Sorry to the police officers and lawyers out there... In no way do I mean any offense by these jokes...




Things you shouldn't say to a police officer:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


-----


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.


After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.


The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."


-----


One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail..... there's no way in the world that I can pass that test."


-----


A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.


"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.


"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.


As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.


"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"


"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"




-----


A man walked into a lawyer's office. "How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer.


"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.


"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.


"Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"


-----


A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'


He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'


So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?


The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?


-----


The young police recruit was asked.. "What would you do if you were sent to arrest your mother?" His reply.... "Call for backup."




-----


In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. She says "I do." She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"


-----


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:


Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.


Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.


Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.


Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.


Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.


Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the situation:


Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.


It was valid.


Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.


The driver owned the car.


Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.


Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.


Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.


Trunk is opened; no body.


Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.


Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying dirtbag told you I was speeding, too!


-----


A series of things said in court:


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year


-----


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


-----


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


-----


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


-----


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


-----


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


-----


A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.


MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


-----


A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"


-----


A Policeman pulls over a motorist for running a stop sign. The motorists says, "What's the problem officer, I slowed down for that stop sign?"


The officer replies, "I know you slowed down, but you are supposed to stop."


"But officer, I slowed down, what's the difference?"


"The difference is, you're supposed to stop.", says the officer.


"But I slowed down!" replied the motorist.


The officer says, "Let me explain it to you this way. I'm going to drag your scrawny butt out of your car, then I'm going to take this stick I carry on my belt and I'm going to start beating you with it. After five minutes I'm going to ask you, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"






-----


Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.


The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"


Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"


"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.


"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.


Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"


Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"


The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"


"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.


"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.


Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."


The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?"


Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"




-----


I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"


He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.


The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.


I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.




-----


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."




-----


A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."


The drunk replies, "You."


-----


A training session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".


-----


A new inmate at the prison was lying on his bunk at lights out.


After a while, he heard someone say "Number 24", there erupted laughter from all over the prison. A little bit later, someone shouted "Number 12", and again, laughter roared thru the prison, even the guards laughed.


This went on for quite some time, and the new inmate could stand it no longer, he inquired of his elderly cell-mate, "Why is everyone laughing at people quoting numbers?"


The old-timer replied, "Well, young fella, we have all been in here so long, and heard each other's jokes so many times, we assigned them numbers, saves a lot of time."


The new guy thought for a moment, and then shouted out "Number 19", nothing.


the crickets even stopped chirping.


He asked the old man, "What happened? Everyone laughed at them when the other guys told them, why didn't they laugh at mine?"


The old-timer looked at him and said, "Well, young fella, some can tell em, and some can't."




-----


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.


The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"


The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."


"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."


The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.


"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."


And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"


-----


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.


"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.


"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."


The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"


"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."


"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.


"Thought he was having his picture taken."

And a few more....


-----


HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY


Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.


Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.


Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.


Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.


Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.


Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.


Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.


Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.


Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.


Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.


Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.






-----


Police Comment Transcriptions


The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country...


#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."


#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that's the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."


#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"


#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"


#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."


#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."


#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"


#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."


#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."


And ... THE BEST ONE!


#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."


-----




-----


A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.


On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.


"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"


"Yes", answers the executioner.


"Can I have that green banana?"


The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.


When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.


"Can I go then?", the man asks.


"I suppose so", says the executioner, "That's never happened before."


The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.


The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.


The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.


"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.


The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.


Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.


The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.


Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.


The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.


"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.


"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"


The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.


"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.


"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."






-----


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.




ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s***tin' me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you sh**tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Worsaer said:

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See why spelling is important??

Later! OL JR

Worsaer said:

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I'll give the kid points for trying.

Worsaer said:

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Valedictorian:
US Public School System
Class of 2014

luke strawwalker said:

See why spelling is important??

Later! OL JR

Click to expand...

Life is a lot thougher if you don't spell correctly.

Winston said:

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For Christ's sake... Reminds me of Ol' Donna...
[video=youtube_share;CI8UPHMzZm8]https://youtu.be/CI8UPHMzZm8[/video]