Bad Jokes

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I'm glad this isn't the World's Worst Joke's...I know a bunch of "Shut up" and "Dead Baby" jokes...no way to edit.

The most mild is:

Mama, mama! Why's daddy running so fast?

Shut up and keep shooting!
 
2 pigs are..ahem...."making bacon" in the front yard when little Cindy asked her father, "Daddy, what are those pigs doing?" Her father didn't miss a beat replying, "The one in the front is sick and the one in the back is pushing her to the hospital."
 
Guy is changing into his work clothes in the locker room at his job, and co-worker notices he is wearing ladies panties. The co-worker asks him how long he's been wearing panties, and he says ever since his wife found a pair in his glovebox.
 
Two penguins are standing on a iceburg.
One of the penguins turns to the other and says; "It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo."
To which the other penguin replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"
 
A Russian, American, and North Korean astronaut were sitting in a bar talking. The Russian astronaut says, "We were the first ones in space."

The American astronaut says, "We were the first ones on the moon."

The North Korean astronaut says, "That's nothing. We're going to be the first ones on the sun."

The other astronauts exclaim, "You can't go to the sun, it's too hot!"

The North Korean astronaut replies, "You think we're stupid? We're going at night!"
 
A 4th grade class was touring a dairy farm and as the students walked past one of the cows, the cow raised its tail and splattered the students with manure! As the students screamed, the farmer laughing and said "cow ah bung ya?"
 
Couldn't decide whether this goes in the "funny pic" thread or here... but here it is. Credit xkcd/Randall Munroe.

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Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a baseball cap. The guy in the baseball cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."


The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."


The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.


The guy in the cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.


"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"


"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"
 
A guy walks into a pet shop and tells the owner that he is looking for a special and exceptional pet for his wife for Christmas. The pet shop owner thinks for a minute and then tells the man he has exactly what he is looking for. The shop owner takes the guy to the back room and sitting on a perch is a very drab looking parrot. The guy tells the shop owner that the parrot is not quite what he wants. The pet shop owner explains that "Chester" the parrot is quite talented and that he sings Christmas carols. The caveat is that he needs a match held under either one of his feet to sing. The guy asks for proof to which the shop owner obliges and strikes a match. He holds the lit match under Chester's right foot and the parrot starts to sing a most delightful rendition of White Christmas. The shop owner then moves the match to the parrots left foot and Chester starts to sing a lively version Jingle Bells. Out of curiosity the guy asks the shop owner what happens if he holds the match between the parrots legs. The shop owner says he's never tried that and moves the match between the birds legs. Just as he does this the parrot clears his throat and begins to sing "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
 
Sam takes his buddy who has never even held a golf club to the course to teach him some basics. The friend says what's the goal in this game. Sam says "See that flag about 400 yards over there with the sand traps around it? Use this club and hit the ball as close to the flag as you can." The friend hauls off and blasts the ball straight and true to a few inches from the hole. Sam is shocked and amazed at this as they walk up to the hole. Now what? asks the friend. Well, you now have to knock the ball into the hole. His buddy says "Why didn't you tell me that to begin with?"
 
Here are two that I made up:

A jailed prostitute is coming up for parole. She tells the parole board that she will do them favors if they let her go. But she is informed that you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

A farmer took up archery, and every day he shot arrows at a target in his yard, right next to the bull pen. He was terrible, and every time he missed, the bull would sigh. One day a neighbor asked him if he was any good at archery, to which he said, "I must be, because I always make a bull sigh!"
 
A group of townsfolk are being shown round a farm for the first time, and one of them asks why a particular cow has no horns.

"Well", says the farmer, "there are several reasons a cow may not have horns. Some cows need to get older before their horns show up. Some, we cut the horns off - those horns can do a lot of damage! And some cows never grow horns at all. But the reason that cow doesn't have any horns is that it's a horse."

Another of the townsfolks brags "This isn't that big a place. My cousin has a proper estate. I can get in my car and it takes me a whole day to drive around it." The farmer replies "Yes, I used to have a car like that."
 
When things in life get rough and seem impossible, I always think of the final words of General Custer--"Where did all these @%&*#$ing Indians come from!!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are in a valley when 150 Commanches on horseback come over the hill, screaming for blood.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "Tonto, We're in Trouble!"

Tonto casually turns back to the the Lone Ranger and says, "What you mean 'We', paleface?"
 
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Rockets with Uncle Rob!!! This man is king of bad jokes. LOL.[video]https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=youtube+uncle+rob&&view=detail&mid=9D43D3 E99BBF12388ACC9D43D3E99BBF12388ACC&&FORM=VDRVRV[/video]
 
After an exceptionally rough landing, a voice comes on the PA. "Folks, I'd just like to apologize for the rough landing, but it wasn't the pilots fault, the planes fault nor the airlines fault .It was the asphalt."
 
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time?

"One day my prints will come!"

What do you sing at a snow man's birthday party?

"Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

And lastly (mercifully):

What did the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?

"Audi!"
 
While baking a cake one day, an idiot mother was asked by her little boy if he could lick the bowl. The mother said, "No, flush it like everyone else does."
 
A farmer sees a county truck pull up by his field. Two workers get out and one starts digging post holes, and then the second one fills it in. The farmer watches this for awhile, but finally goes over to ask what they are doing. Well, I'm Joe the foreman and I dig the holes. This is Bob my co-worker and he fills in the holes. Normally we have a third guy, Bubba, who works with us and puts the post in the holes I dig. Bubba called in sick today, but that doesn't mean Bob and myself can't do our jobs.
 
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