Bad Jokes

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging out in the workout room?

Jim

Don't ever believe carrots are good for your eyes, I stuck one in my eye the other day and it hurt like hell.

What do you call a cow with no legs?



Ground Beef

You ever hear of the cowardly dragon that didn't believe in the Sabbath?

It preyed only on weak knights.

Maryland is talking about creating the strangest zoo on the planet...

They need the help of Virginia...

building a wall around DC.

MALBAR 70 said:

What do you call a cow with no legs?



Ground Beef

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What do you call a cow with three legs?



Lean Beef.
________________

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Guy walks up to a register and and asks "Do you have any helicopter-flavored potato chips?"

Cashier replies "No, just plain".

qquake2k said:

A man with no arms or legs in a hot tub?

Stu

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Someone with leprosy works better with this one.

Quadriplegic shoved inside a condom.

Richard

(ha ha, bet you thought I was going to say Di*k, didn't you.)

Why did the moron put a condom over his head?
He didn't want to get hearing AIDS.

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.

What's the difference between an American pilot and a North Korean pilot?
The American pilot breaks ground and flies into the wind.

MALBAR 70 said:

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?

Ilean

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What do you call a KOREAN woman with one arm and one leg?

Irene

Not sure if this crosses a boundary or not, but...... What do you call a dog with short legs and steel testicles?





Sparky

you all just sick

Someone told me not to bother trying to write with a broken pencil because it was pointless.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs stuck on the end of a power drill?

Chuck.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs sitting in a bog?


Pete

tried fighting the fog...I mist

"I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now" Jim said forthrightly.

"I only have diamonds, clubs and spades," Tom said heartlessly.

"I signed it twice," John remarked.

"I must kill Moby Dick!" Ahab wailed.

I used to work in QC at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory, but I hated it. My job was to give him two test tickles.

Did you hear about the African king who outlawed killing any wild animals? After a short time, the animals were overrunning the kingdom and killing the inhabitants, so they rose up and deposed the king. It's the first time a reign has been called off due to the game.

When things in life get rough and seem impossible, I always think of the final words of General Custer--"Where did all these @%&*#$ing Indians come from!!"

Guy calls 911 and says my friend is dead. 911 operator asks him if he is sure he's dead. Guy says just a minute, and the operator hears two gunshots. Guy gets back on the phone and says yes, he's dead.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.


How do you get an elephant in the fridge?

Open the door. Insert elephant. Close the door.


How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?

Open the door. Remove elephant. Insert giraffe. Close the door.


The Lion King holds a meeting for all the animals but one of them isn't there. Which one?

The giraffe. You left him in the fridge.


There is a river you must cross that is used by crocodiles. How do you get across.

Jump in the water and swim across. The crocs are at the Lion Kings meeting.

A Priest, Rabbi and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. Bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says why the long face?

A guy is setting at the bar, and hears a little voice say "nice hair". He looks around, but he is the only one there. A little later he hears "nice tie" , but this time he traces the voices to be coming from the peanut tray. He calls the bartender over and says the peanuts are saying nice things to him. Bartender says of course they are, they're complimentary nuts.

I'll probably get nailed for this bit... but...

A hammer and a saw walk into a bar... The barkeep looks up and says, you know the drill... (then makes them a screwdriver).

You know why blondes shoes say "TGIF" in them? Toes Go In First

Quiet men don't marry redheads, they just end up that way.

Attention! Attention! This is not a drill!

It's a hammer. This is a drill.

Lugnut56 said:

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says oh wow! It's Sarah Jessica Parker!

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FTFY